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    • #133973

      it was (detail removed by Moderator) and my little brother slapped me because i was upset.
      he came home from uni to visit (detail removed by Moderator) and he called me a mug for living with my ex husband and in laws and he said other girls arent mugs like me. i got so annoyed, i am sick of him making comments. i told him to shutup and stop being disrespectful, he always acts like he can boss me around. i said dont ralk to me for ur rest of ur time here i donr wanna speak to u. did i overreact?
      he has been a s**t sibling to me. he ignored me when i went back to my ex hubby and ignored me for months. he only began talking to me again recently after i completely left my ex but in a way hes just as rude and annoying.

      i am not enjoying anything. im not normal anymore, i went over to my friends hoyuse and felt quite scared of her husband (it was the first time i was in the company of a male non family member since my abusove relationship). he got quite passive aggresive and made some joke saying i get scared of everything. he gave us drugs because i asked for it i wanted to just escape and forget my ex. i dont drink alcohol so i took drugs and thats against my religion too i felt really bad.
      i felt like there was something else in it, i was having a bad trip i think i took quite alot. my friend started calling me pretty i then told her i was hallucinating my ex hubby. i was so confysed in that moment i felt like i fancied my friend and im straight. IT WAS CREEPY because i see her like a sister. i was so freaked out by my own thoughts i obvs dont like my friend but i felt so vulnerable and scared at times i was thinking my friend her husband got me drugged up to kill me. i wasnt in my senses.
      now im really scared i dont like my friend do i? im worried i told her i liked her when i was high she made some weird joke and kept on staring at me. i feel really uncomfortable because im straight and i love my ex.i dont like her but im worried i may have said somethign when i was high.if i told her i liked her she would have told me right?

      i feel now i am finding it hard not to get along with anyone. i feel like i should be alone in my room and just not disturb anyone. i dont enjoy anything i dont wanna see friends cus what do i say i go on abou the same s**t ‘im losing my job my husbands abusive i lost my baby’ same s**t all the friend i saw recently is a good supportive friend.

      when i was high i started crying about my ex hubby and i said i wish he was here with me i could feel his presence and she said im here with u and im your best friend and i felt loved in that moment when she said that.
      i know i dont like my friend but is it common to hate men and be scared of them once u leave abuse?
      my friends hubby isnt bad at all but i dont know why i just dont wanna ever be near him again.

      the night after the drugs i had a dream that my ex hubby came out of prison and i was begging him dor another chanve and he said he couldnt forgibve me and started saying he already has another girl lined up. i was calling him by the cute nickname i used to call him (i made up for him) and crying begging him. is that why i feel so sad today? like yeh i know he will move on and tjats fine but why am i dreaming of him and seeing his face? i feel my ex will easily find someone hes so handsome and when hes nice u feel like the luckiest girl in the world. i have nothing amazing about me my confidence is so low because of him.he said i will be a bitter woman and he was right i cant even maintain relationshops/friendships i have fights with everyone.

      the MH services are letting me down these waiting lists are too long i havent even had any treatemnet i have been waiting for months and now need to wait two mote weeks for them to decide what treatment they should refer me to (which will take a month and i will have to get assesed again – i did this through IAPT.. accesing MH support is more diffciult now)
      i have been given antidepressants its my first day on them and im scared what they might do to me i heard the next few weeks will be hellish. i feel like life is a downward spiral i feel like a failure.

      i have only one friend who im greatful for, i am just a complete burden to her and vecause of those feelings i had when i was high im worried now because i dont like her but the drugs made me confused and i feel scared going out now.

      i want strength 🙁 not sure how to make myself happy some days i feel like i can compleyely win and be happy and other days i just feel like i will always be sad and every moment of breathing will be torture.

    • #133980

      Brokenheartedgirl, 1st off please don’t use drugs ever again as an emotional crutch, I’ve used nearly everything in the past to be able to switch off and not feel anymore cos feeling was too hard but as your learning it’s putting you in worse situations, focus on the friend that is there for you, anyone involving you in drugs (whether you asked them or not) is not a someone that’s going to be of help in your life, and your ex doesn’t need your forgiveness he is in prison for a good reason, people don’t get put inside for the sake of it, and he may be good looking so? he’s an abuser and a danger to women, anyone who is unfortunate to meet him should be pitied and warned, you have a lot of healing to do, the words of abusers are the words they want us to believe (they aren’t facts) your feelings about men, your fear your anger, your confusion are completely normal after abuse, please find healthier coping mechanisms as drugs will send you down a slippery slope that will be detrimental to your recovery, maybe phone women’s aid or a local d.v charity near you to see if you can speak to someone but please take care 💛👼💛

      • #133981

        I really don’t think you should be around people who are taking drugs, I got a little confused with part of the post but even though people are there it doesn’t mean they are right for you, I know your grateful for her but her husband shouldn’t be giving you or her drugs this is detrimental to you just maybe stay away from situations where drugs are involved and if your friend is a genuine good friend maybe just avoid being around her husband in case you feel vulnerable again 💜❤️💜

    • #133985

      Your brother slapping you is a criminal offence and he has absolutely no right to do that. If you can afford private counselling then please get started. Coming from an abusive home leaves us very vulnerable to abusive men. None of this is your fault. Your friend doesn’t sound like a friend at all. Alcohol and drugs are a temporary fix for a long term problem and you need good tailored counselling. Recovery is a rollercoaster ride. There’s going to be many emotions from depression to anxiety to euphoria and they’re going to be extreme in the beginning. Read Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. It takes you through the stages of recovery. You are a good person. Take baby at a time. Break everything down to tiny pieces. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time x be kind to yourself x

    • #133998

      It’s true an abusive upbringing leaves us open to abusers, users , predators, narcissists all kinds of dark minded creeps, I can speak personally for that both late parents were physically, verbally, emotionally abusive, 1 a bit sexually?, sibling was verbally, emotionally, gaslighting and sociopathic seeming (looking back)and left my self esteem low to non existent then open to abusers, predators narcissists and different forms of abuse ‘again’ but I do worry about the situation you were in with the drugs as your really susceptible right now, you do need a lot of support, you’ve had some horrendous experiences some people will never have to go through, focus on yourself right now, no one else, maybe phone women’s aid to see if you can get a counsellor quicker, stay focused on whatever it was that was making you feel better and as for your friend, you may love her and the feelings got messed up in the drug high, it’s ok to love your friends 👍🏻 stay strong lovely, message if your feeling low again, one of us will answer, take care 🤗🧡👌🏻

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