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Got a phone call from police today that the CPS have decided to charge him. But as we are back together again I am really scared of his reaction. He has been doing better and is trying really hard to change his behaviour, and I am so worried this will turn him back to anger. I don’t know if anyone has any experience going through this with their partner?
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Hello UnicornSparkleHead
There will be ladies here who have, I wasn’t with mine during (detail removed by moderator). All that was after for me.
It must b a very difficult and stressful time for you, especially because his harm towards you.
It’s horrible to think you are there still worrying about his anger and living under continual threat of anger. Living on eggshells night and day is no life.
Don’t know how much you’ve read on here about abuse getting worse, and how seriously worse?
I read something shocking earlier today about a woman was married 26 years, never scared of him, although he was quite controlling and always jealous so she stopped doing her club activities, she finally divorced him and called back to collect some documents, he shot the both dead, he’d never hurt her before. This was in the states where obvs guns are easily available and it shocking how we think we know them.
Please make sure you are safe, and I know it can be hard to believe, but you are always at risk with an abuser in your home.
Have you tried calling the helpline to see what sort of advice they might have for your situation?
Do keep posting and we’ll be here for you to help all we can.
Warmest wishes ts
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Having been through (detail removed by moderator) I can tell you now is the best chance you will probably have to break free from him. (Detail removed by moderator). Speak to victim support. Get in touch with your local women’s aid. Reach out and take every offer of help. If you don’t he will punish you badly and you just won’t see it coming. He will deny everything. Try to make you withdraw your statement and when you refuse he will make your life hell. If you do withdraw your statement the Police may still prosecute. Either way he’s going to blame you for his predicament and unfortunately it’s you who will suffer. Also if there are children involved there can be huge implications for you staying with a violent man. Think very carefully about your next move. He’s been trying to change his behaviour because he’s been caught out. This won’t last long. It’s a very dangerous time for you x
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I agree with KIP, he is on his best behaviour BECAUSE he is in trouble at the moment, and I bet you anything he will try and sweet talk you to be “on his side”, not make or retract a statement, etc.
His mask will very quickly slip and you will be back to square one with him.
Please be very careful, in my experience CPS do not usually charge so if they do it shows they have real reasons to do this due to strong evidence, the fact that they must think he is a real danger, etc.
I agree with KIP that this is your chance to get away from him, please consider this, your life could be so much better!
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Hi UnicornSparkleHead
I just wanted to offer you some support as I can hear you are feeling daunted by what lies ahead with both his reaction to being charged and what to expect next with the police.
It is a typical perpetrator behaviour to become really nice and say all the right things after a patch of violence, this is part of the cycle of abuse and to keep you in the relationship until he feels safe to show his true colours again.
If the police have not given you details of your local domestic abuse charity I would encourage you to look them up here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and contact them for some ongoing support.
Also just a gentle reminder that we do not permit any discussion of court cases on the forum.
Take Care and keep posting
Lisa
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I’m going through that now. He’s (detail removed by moderator). How do i stop loving him? This hurts so badly i don’t want to be here. I know its him, i know its wrong but i just want him back. God if i start typing i’m not going to stop. Am sat here with cider an youtube. Emotions really high an i have no one. No one that understands. I’m sorry 🙁
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I got back with my ex whilst he was on bail for assaulting me. I was initially under the impression we would both be in trouble for braking bail but nothing came of that. Shortly after we got back together, he strangled me and shoved me. I called the police and sadly the officer who came out just seemed annoyed at me.. he even asked what I’d done to provoke him so I never made a statement… however my parter (now ex) was clearly worried the next day that i was going to make a statement or that it would be taken out of my hands (one officer had said it may be likely). He called and emailed and begged me to forgive him, told me he’d confes to his parents about the assaults, and cried to me about the chance he could lose his job. Unfortunately non of his arrests came to anthing but looking back on things now, I don’t think he was sorry at all or that he’d changed. He was just playing me so that I dropped the previous changes and so that I didn’t make more. I don’t know if abusers can change. My ex didn’t!!
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I was in a similar situation. i dropped my statement and then put it back again, and yet gave him another chance. and cps decided to charge him. He was on his best behavior almost. He did not get violent but it was enormous psychological abuse, guilt tripping etc. I felt the Justice system turned against me cos now I have no peace with him. All our conversations was about one thing – the court and oh how his life, possible career is ruined. blah blah blah. And it always felt to me that the only reason he is nice cos he wants me on his side in court.
In the end I used these charges to leave him and go no contact and got my restraining order.
But I had an amazing police officers who believed in me when I stopped believing in myself. I am so grateful to them.
I really feel for you and for every woman who is in this situation. Going through court, police when you still want to love him, even though you know you should leave, is incredibly hard. To leave for good is very hard. But if he hurt you once to the point that CPS think they have case, he is a dangerous person and he will do it again. And I am sure, once court is over, he will be blaming you and it might get worse. And listening to those blames for me was even harder than any physical assault would have been. Especially when during any argument I was fearing it might get physical so I was scared to express myself even more than before.
You got back to him, but that does not mean you can’t leave again. I personally think that with a help of police it is easier to leave. You might not want to. I really wanted to believe his promises and that “he can change” . but no, he can’t.
Stay strong. And stay safe. Hugs xx -
Thank you for your help ladies, it means a lot. It is very very hard, because I can see him battling with wanting to change and then on the other hand turning into the monster who blames me for everything again, saying that I only showed one side of the relationship to the authorities. It’s such a difficult thing to go through, and I have lost all my friends and support as they are all pitying him (detail removed by moderator)
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I know it is really hard if close people are not on your side. A close friend of mine was on his side through court and in the end she caused me an equal amount of anxiety as him. And abusers are such good actors with their puppy eyes making other people pity them as if he is the victim here. Is there any friend at all who supports you?
I once read a chapter from a book and it was about how to spot whether he is really changing while he is claiming he is changing. One of the key things, he cannot blame you for everything again, he cannot blame you for his problems with police. He cannot make you feel guilty for his own actions. If he does that, he will never change and it is not up to you to make him change. You said it yourself he is turning into a monster again. It is incredibly hard for an abuser to change.
I personally felt after the court was over that it saved me and gave me the strength to leave. I felt it gave me the closure and justice. So the fact that CPS decided to charge him actually might be a good thing. -
I am so tired. Exhausted. He keeps telling me he can’t trust me because I told people about the abuse after all this time. Now he tells me I can’t take jobs because he doesn’t trust me ‘after I broke his trust and confided in people’. I’m unable to work, getting in debt, and so scared all the time. I’m too scared to cut him off completely because I’m afraid he will start pressing charges and/or ruin my career as we work in the same industry. I just feel so tired and lost. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It is impossible.
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It’s crazy making behaviour. No wonder you’re exhausted. So he’s blaming you for telling people about the abuse? By saying this he is actually admitting he abused you. Yet he turns the blame on your for telling? They are pathological liars. My ex threatens all sort. Empty threats designed to control us. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Keep recording his controlling illegal behaviour. It’s only going to get worse. Well done for holding him accountable. You need to keep striving to break free. There’s lots of help out there for you x
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You are absolutely entitled to speak to people about what happens in your life. It’s your life you’re talking about, not his.
My ex used to tell me all the things he’d done to me as though it was my fault. He wrote to family members stating exactly what he’d done blaming me for it. Yes, you are doing amazingly well.
Have you heard of going Grey Rock? Basically it means you stop engaging with him. If you need to speak to him, speak only of the weather or the traffic situation… Anything you divulge about your feelings or what he has done, he will use against you. It took me decades to understand this!
Don’t try and fight it. He’s spent his life honing his skill and is far better than anyone who hasn’t. It is what they do.
What you have done is so important, not just for yourself, but for anyone else who gets involved with him. It took me too long to report my ex. I guess that even had I reported him sooner I may not have been believed although it may have been easier for other people to come forward. Can’t put back the clock. And I loved him.
Also, what has happened is that he is now out of your hands, and if he is serious about getting help, it will be made available and it won’t all come back to you.
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When it comes being harmed, there are no secrets only disclosures t tell people what happened. No matter how he harmedthats where any personal loyalty ends. He should know that these are not secrets and you will tell, but any kind of action from you, even saying this is likely to just ’cause’ further reactions. You do not ’cause’, he causes harms to you.
It is a dangerous road to be on, and one that can’t you can’t win in any sense other than being free of him. It’s so hard that this is the person you love. As you now see who this person really is, not the person you thought would be loving and caring, but the cause of all your suffering.
Keep posting your fears and worries, it will help get you through andnhelp you to think about your choices.
Warmest wishes ts
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Your life in your terms is as private as you want it to be. It takes enormous courage to speak out about things that happen behind closed doors. The police told me that it’s really important. It’s how things change. They’re not charging my ex, but at least they know what happened. Your trust in yourself will return. It’s not your behaviour that’s at fault. It’s his.x
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I Think that the first sign of changing is taking ownership. I believe everyone can change. It is not impossible. But one has to want to. Like we are here because we want things to be better and we know how hard it is. For him to want to change the first thing would be to acknowledge how you feel and what you need and take ownership for what he does. Till he shows that I wouldn’t trust him. And that’s a process that he has to want to do himself and by himself. Xx
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