He’s blaming me

[soconfused2]

I am struggling to get things straight in my head. I think my husband is being emotionally abusive. It really dawned on me when I was asking for more support from him in relation to something and he told me (detail removed by moderator). I just realised that I am never going to live up to his standards. It’s always my fault, I’m never good enough…I have to be perfect. But then he has mood swings, gives me the silent treatment, isn’t kind or supportive and apparently I just have to accept all that because if I complain/ask for support etc then I just get told (detail removed by moderator).

Anyway, the reason I am posting is because he has started to say that I’m abusive because I don’t treat him with respect. I have racked my brain and I just can’t see it. There is lots I have done wrong, including shouting at him when I have been given the silent treatment for weeks. But I spend so much of my life trying to make him happy that I feel sick and on edge all the time that I just can’t see that I’m the abuser.

I don’t think I am abusive. But I guess no one does. Just looking for some reassurance I suppose that people will believe me.

[Lisa]

Hi Soconfused2

I understand that you need some reassurance, you will always be believed here on the forum. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you, he is not supportive, and this is not your fault at all. He is also controlling as he expects you to act a certain way and doesn’t allow you to share how you are feeling.

You are not abusive, it is common for perpetrators to twist things like this. Please keep reaching out for support, we are all here for you.

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Everything you described is exactly what my abuser did to me. Everything. He would be incredibly emotionally abusive and then accuse me of being the one who is abusing him. He’s even lied and told other people that I’ve abused him. He is abusing you. You are not an abuser and having a reaction to his abuse doesn’t make you abusive. I believe he probably doesn’t even really believe you are abusive but by telling you that you are it’s a way for him to make you feel guilty & you responsible for his actions.

[Watersprite]

Hello and welcome this is a deliberate act of abuse on his behalf to make you doubt yourself. It is confusing and gaslighting and psychological abuse. I’m so sorry what you are going through. Lundy Bancroft s book which does he do that is helpful. Read up on gaslighting if you can and reach out for support – women’s aid, your GP a trusted friend? You are not an abuser I believe you x*x

[Plodding]

This is most definitely abusive . I’m experiencing all of these things and particularly feeling the confusion . I found contacting my local women’s aid service very helpful.certainly read the book that has been mentioned u can get it on line x

[Stargazing1]

In a different post I posted I was ashamed of myself and I withdrew for a while . I can relate quite a lot to your post. I have had alot of my own personal stuff to deal with besides all the stuff that happens in the home with him . I have reached out and got some external help from very useful resources. I’m glad I didn’t stay away for long. This forum is so useful . If you get the chance like the other posts state try to get in touch with womens aid and local domestic abuse that’s what they are there for and they are so helpful. Take care.

[Stargazing1]

I think victims always get blamed by the abuser . My heart breaks to hear so many people suffer and believe they are wrong when they are not . I was always led to believe bullies are insecure I’m sure this is very much a part of an abusers trate too .

[soconfused2]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. It means a lot. I feel like I do know its not right, but I keep doubting myself so it really helps to hear what you all have to say.

[Crocus]

I can relate to so much on here. I haven’t posted for ages. Have been thinking we can work things out but no matter how much blame I take for issueswe have had, its never enough for him. He always seems to want to be totally blame free. Even if he could just accept a small amount of responsibility and say ” I was wrong to do hat/ say that, I’m sorry” but he always has to justify everything he did by blaming me- I only called you a bad name because I was so frustrated that you weren’t cleaning up or you were being so defensive that I just got frustrated. Etc. Or he blames the kids if they are upset about the way he spoke to them, he says that they should look at their own behaviour in the situation or that they are just too sensitive and not normal. I do think that me and kids are all more sensitive than average but still don’t think that excuses everything.

[Author]

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