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So it’s been some weeks now since I told him I am leaving and getting divorced. Things have got a bit held up due to a sudden tragedy in the family which has meant other priorities have taken over ..he was being all supportive and nice offering any help etc etc but I’ve refused his help as I am aware of the FOG I could get trapped into .. so now he has said very matter of factly, that he wants to discuss plans for his will etc as he is not prepared to live in mental.torture for rest of his days. He seems very serious about it. And begs for my support in his decision.
Even though I am very determined in my decision to leave I cannot bare this… I am in such shock, distraught in fact … I am at absolutely the lowest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. If I call police /help I will live with knowin it’s against his wishes and if I take no action I have to live with knowing I had some part to play in his death by not acting …absolutely devastated and so lost as to what to do
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Hi Lozzy, suicide is a very common tactic that abusers very often use. Mine did. He had no intention of committing suicide. It was just horrible tactic to garner your sympathy and hook you back in. My advice is to ring 999 and get an ambulance for him. I can tell you as soon as the ambulance men turn up to section him for mental health he will completely change his tune. He is not your responsibility. It’s a despicable thing to do. I would also tell his family, friends and anyone else you can think of.
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That’s such an awful weight he’s trying to make you carry. If he does do anything you can almost guarantee that he’ll make sure someone is made aware that he’s going to, or has started to so they can stop him and give him attention.
My ex used to threaten suicide often. He once sat here taking pills in front of me. (Little did he realise I’d looked them up and knew they weren’t dangerous). He always made sure to disappear off after taking a few, so that I would worry, and so that he could stop taking them. I wish I’d called an ambulance at the time, I really and truly do. To embarrass him, to get him removed to safety, to get him assessed, to show him that I wasn’t going to beg or plead, but that I at least had human emotions and wouldn’t stand by if he was serious. To show him the act was pointless and would not achieve what he wanted it to.
He tried the matter of fact statement, and the after the fact, poor me I failed at dying stance, and the angry you made me want to die stuff. They will say anything, in a way they think will get to you. Anything.
He abused you against your wishes, he’s continuing to do so. If he does something you can be sure he’ll let someone know so that he can be ‘saved’ and play the martyr.
Don’t allow him to do it to you. If you must talk to him about it, make it clear that you are not comfortable taking no action, and it is your choice if you wish to do so. It is not up to him to decide your moral standpoint for you, or to force you into behaving contrary to how you feel.
You are your own woman, and you will do what is best for your own mental health, no matter what he says you should or shouldn’t do.
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Thanks for the advice ladies . Even though I do know this is just another horrible way of getting to me it very much frightens me. At least he confirmed his intentions via texts too so I can show this to the police … He probably is bluffing as he says he’s gonna do it after he has sorted out his affairs first but really that seems a bit of a lame excuse for delay, he’s only affairs are debts to family … And he didn’t seem too bothered when constantly asking for money .. all of a sudden he wants to make things right with people … Sadly he has that many different sides to him it is very difficult to know which is the real him
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Lozzy, perhaps tell his family you mentioned your concerns based on what he has said, matter of factly , short and sweet and let then take over. I think we can’t be expected to be part of the solution any more. As the others say, it is a tactic often used by abusers, and whether as a ploy, or in some case as the final ultimate abusive act , you need to not to get dragged back in to being responsible for his actions or welfare. If you get a clear direct message, as already posted, just pass this on to the police.they can then start to get him the help he needs or he will be brought up sharp and clear as the manipulator he is. I think, if we are part of the problem , or visa Vera, we can’t get drawn in to being part of the solution.he needs to look to others, not you now for support here
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I understand very well how awful it feels when he threatens suicide. Mine loved his tactic as it always worked for him. I would get so worried, I would forget why I tried to end the relationship and as soon as I see that he is in fact alive nothing else matters, and we get back to square one.
Once I was also led to believe through a third party that he in fact committed suicide and i had a horrible few hours crying my eyes out until I got a confirmation that the email did not mean he died.
While there are cases that suicide does happen, there are so many as a tool of control because they know it works. As others advised, I think it is a good solution either call ambulance/police or his family members if you feel scared he did / about to do something to himself. You want to leave because he was abusive and what he does is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Not a child. -
Mine has used this tactic if he thinks I’m about to leave, ironically 20 mins before he told me to ‘pack my s**t and leave’. He actually said He would ring my mum (who is very disabled and poorly) and tell her he was going to slit his throat…
Nasty nasty tactic. I did threaten to end it all myself, when he was screaming at me once, I know it’s despicable, but I was so serious at the time and desperate for him to stop shouting at me and hitting doors/walls. I would never do it again, it’s wrong, but in that moment ending my life seemed the only way to stop everything happening. He will not let me forget it. He always says how I’ve threatened to kill myself and I’m no different to him. We are apparently the same as each other.
I will use the tactic the others have said if he does end up trying anything- I’ll be ringing 999 xx
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Well….he’s been an absolute idiot is all I can say… He worried a close friend so much so they messaged me asking if I or family could go check on him…(detail removed by moderator). I get this message from his friend so worried about him and will call the police etc etc … So I just lost it!!! Sent m* family around who have called his bluff…
… I feel a sense of relief… Like finally, my family and even some of his good friends, are getting just a snippet of the manipulation I have dealt with for many years. No more. Seriously. I am done with him!
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This is such a dreadful place to be Lozzy, it’s probably just another empty threat, but be safe, dont let your guard down, dont let him in. If he sends you threatening texts again call the Police or an ambulance and let them deal with him. All evidence if you need it later on as well. These men are cowards, it actually takes balls to carry out an act like this, balls they often don’t possess.
I suspect this is nothing more than a psychological attack on you and an attempt to lure you into feeling sorry for him or responsible for him. If he was serious, he doesn’t need to talk to you regarding his affairs, he could deal with this alone.
Don’t ignore it but dont respond directly to him, as above, cut contact, tell his friends and family, call the relevant services if needed in an emergency. Pretty sure this will pass.
I remember getting really stressed after he threatened suicde once, so I decided to call him after a few hours to see if he was ok, turned out he’d got into doing something else and it was as if it had never happened at all, he sounded absolutely fine again. Made me think I’ve just been up and down weighing up what to do if anything over the last few hours while he’s gone back to normal. He did threaten a few times previously as well, but after that occassion I no longer took him seriously, it was like a switch, I let go of the fear he might do it, and it was as if he realised it held no power and so was pointless, even embarrassing; he didn’t do it again after that. I dont know if that is what happened or not, if this was coincidental, but it does make me wonder if there is something in it. It was def a huge relief for me to let go of the fear anyway x
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May also be helpful to bear in mind, if you are really concerned, you can ask the police to carry out a welfare check on him.
They will just do it, and report back to you.
Alternatively you can phone his G.P. and say you are concerned. This should go on his medical record.
Abusers sometimes do this with us, to frighten and intimidate us.
However, this is the other way round entirely, whether he feels really bad or not, whether he is bluffing or not, as others have said, his intention is power and control over you.
Phoning the police or G.P in my view (and it is your choice) – can drag the thing out into the open.
If he is bluffing the police will call him on it, they can’t stand time-wasters.
If he is not bluffing and genuinely feels really bad, it is his responsibility to access help, and you will have done what you can to help. And whatever happens to him, your conscience is clear.
all best
ftc
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I think you are right Fizzylem, it was a psychological attack. I just can’t believe he has stopped so so low. I think his mental health and sense of reality is all over the place. So he doesn’t see how ridiculous he is getting now.
(Detail removed by moderator).
I am doing best now to go no contact .. only things I need to communicate on are arranging viewings for the house and care of our dog. Giving him nothing emotional what so ever, he really is just an emotional leach – he did it to me, and from speaking to his friends can see he’s now doing it to them too x
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Hi FTC
Yes he had a welfare check by police quite recently (well phone call from them luckily I answered so they didn’t come and trash our front door!) So I have no qualms about calling police if need to and it did go down as a domestic dispute (it was actually his work that reported him missing )
Also his GP is absolutely rubbish or just fed up of him, or both. They are totally at their wit’s end with what to do with him. He’s been on meds on and off his whole adult life for his mental health. Last time I told them.he was suicidal.they just put him on new meds and referred him for CBt (waiting lost of 8weeks) … So maybe even they don’t really believe he is suicidal
Oh well not my responsibility , I truly give up … And he has no power over me now x
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Well done Lozzy, it is so difficult. You deserve to be happy.
So easy for me to say that, but I wish you better times.
After so many years out, there are hurdles still at this end, but I tell myself nothing like it was whilst I was married to ex…
onwards and upwards, other ladies and me saying well done
ftc
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Pleased for you Lozzy, that’s brilliant. Reminds me of the film The Labyrinth when Sarah realises the prince (David Bowie) has no power over her.
“Through dangers unknown and hardships unnumbered, i have fought my way here… For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great….you have no power over me.”
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Wow I love that EBony Raven … I haven’t seen the Labyrinth! Might be my Saturday night sorted 🙂
Update on how things are… Yes he was so so devastated and suicidal just the other day , so much so, that he is going on a date tonight! (Or at least that is what he is telling me !)
I am leaving him to it , the poor woman but it’s none of my business!
In meanwhile I’ve been making plans for the future, spending time with family and friends and finally carrying out some much needed self care.
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Hi Lozzy, these men are so predictable. Mine did exactly the same thing. Got some poor single mum with x kids and tried to rub my nose in his new ‘relationship’. He put it all over Facebook. That’s how I found out. It was quite humiliating at the time but it was designed for maximum hurt. We were still married, living together and he thought this would make me jealous. It’s called triangulation. What a shock he got when I went straight to a divorce lawyer. We had been married for decades and such was his dysfunctional thought process that he thought I’d run straight back to his arms. After this he badly assaulted me as he could no longer cope with losing control and his plan to make me jealous spectacularly back fired. So, you see. He’s just another pathetic abuser. It didn’t stop it hurting my feelings but now I look back it was simply another form of abuse. You’re so much better off without him but please be very very careful. It might not seem like it but he’s desperate and losing control. Stay safe x
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