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My ex emotionally abused me on and off for (detail removed by moderator) The first (detail removed by moderator) he was amazing, my soulmate, but he increasingly showed his true colours as time went on. All escalated to the point he finally physically assaulted me. He gave me 3 days to think about whether or not I wanted to be with him before he broke up with me himself. A few weeks later I decided to report the assault to the police. They arrested him. I just found out he denied the whole incident. How could I have fallen in love with this person who cares so little about me that he would accuse me of being a liar? I gave him everything, and he has taken everything from me, including the truth now.
I go to therapy but I no idea how to process this right. Any one out there experienced the same situation (detail removed by moderator)
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Yep, been there and so have very many other women on here. It’s so very typical of them to lie. At the time I expected him to admit his guilt and apologise and seek help and make amends. How stupid was I? He denied everything and actually accused me of the stuff he had been doing for years. Then he made himself the victim in all this. Is so difficult to comprehend until you realise he’s always been this selfish despicable person, it’s just now your eyes are wide open. I’ve no doubt he will try to discredit you next, spreading lies and trying to get people on his side. So watch out for the smear campaign. Stay safe. It’s a shock but you will recover from this. Well done for reporting him. That was very brave and at least now he is on the radar of the police should he do this to others x
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How I processed it involved learning all I could about abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Make sure your therapist is trained in domestic abuse. Look at n**********c behaviour. Keep talking and writing. It helps to process it and work it all out in your head which I can imagine is a real mudddle x
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I feel exactly the same, I thought maybe he had a shred of decency left in him that he wouldn’t make this any worse or harder for me. I was so wrong. He told me he had no recollection of it, now he is flat out denying it. He knows he will be dropped from the army, so he is either covering his own arse or he is delusional enough to believe I have made it all up. The last time I saw him he took full responsibility, told me he would get help and that he has never loved someone the way he has loved me. That he wants me to be happy and he never wants to hurt me again. But he has. This is almost worse than the assault itself. I know he will (if he hasn’t already) use my history of depression and anxiety against me. I have to be prepared for that. How do I cope?
Thank you for your book suggestions, I will look into those x
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Dear Colouringinfairy
What you’ve experienced is so classic for abusive tactics. So sorry you have suffered this horrible shock and sense of disbelief about who he is and indeed, what you ‘had’.
Have you heard of the freedom programme? It’s really good at showing women the repeatedly abusive tactics used on women to control, manipulate and retain power over women.
It’s a set of tools of intended denials, blames, minimising, we have all experienced these and can share your shock!
It is truly mind-blowing the absolute denial and rewriting of history.
These male abuse tactics are the same ones that have been used by men throughout history to control women and children.
They are new to you,but not to those who’ve already been through it,or are trained to educate around it, like the freedom programme.It really does help settle the shock, wil give you a sense of how familiar it is to all women abused, and hopefully help you heal.
You were brave to put in your report on him and are to be commended for doing that. It’s not wasted, and its always denied, even if,as you say he used his abuses
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…to try to reel you back in with his manipulations/apologies. He only used them to further control you.
The freedom programme know all this better than we do and it makes many lightbulbs go off!
Take good care of you now. Look to your own truths and believe in you.
You now know more about him. He has show you whon he is and those familiar with the tactics of an abuser will also recognise his behaviour.
Take your time, be gentle on yourself and start to heal
Warmest wishes
TS -
I’ll have a look into it Twisted Sister, thank you for the recommendation. Between here and my therapist I’m hearing a lot of terms that make a lot of sense, but it’s still hard to comprehend what has happened and what he continues to do. I want to go to his house and scream at him, but I can’t. I feel so hopeless just sitting here waiting for the police to get the go ahead to charge him, then a potential court case…
I initially wasn’t going to report him for the assault as I didn’t want to ruin his life or cause anymore hurt…guess he doesn’t nor has he ever cared about hurting me :'(
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Dear Colouringinfairy
it’s still hard to comprehend what has happened and what he continues to do. I want to go to his house and scream at him, but I can’t. I feel so hopeless just sitting here waitin
Of course, and naturally so.
The hard to comprehend, yes
Wanting to go scream, yes, absolutely
The feeling helpless/hopeless, yes completely get it. All of it.What else can you feel after his treatment of you.
The freedom programme exists for exactly those reason, that it really is hard to work out/comprehend that someone can be this abusive, and to understand what its all about.
If it was easy, we would know, the freedom programme wouldn’t need to exist.
The woman that wrote this programme did so as a result of her probation work with male abusers, they told her everything she needed to know about how it works, the abuse, to control women, to scare them into submission and compliance.
She organised all their admitted deliberate behaviours into characters, making it easier to see who you are dealing with, like, the bully, the bad father, the jailer…things women recognise!
The main thing is you are out, and it won’t all make sense all at once. You will need time and space to process it all, take your time, it will come, and do keep posting, as that will help so much with the processing and finding answersnfor yourself.
Warmest wishes
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Dear colouringinfairy
What a brillaint update!
So now he’s been caught out making false statements to the police. Hmm, indeed.
The recognition and validation you will get for this should make you feel so much better, and supported/believed.
Amazing, and well done again for reporting it!
Warmest wishes
TS -
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Dear CinF, you have been badly hurt by his abuse and his lies and his attempts to make you look like the abuser, but you will recover because you are a good and truthful person who can process things in a healthy, normal way. You will leave this sad time behind and be happy again. You don’t need to change, only to heal.
He, on the other hand, has to wake up every morning and look at himself in the mirror. He isn’t unscathed, really. He’s crippled. He can never escape from who he is and what he had done and is doomed to repeat his abusive pattern throughout his life unless he seeks help and works incredibly hard to change. Time alone can’t fix him.
Whatever the outcome of the charges against him, you are free now and never have to go back. Well done and take heart.
Flower x
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I left my husband almost (detail removed by moderator) all he’s done is message me the usual rubbish. Sometimes I feel sorry for him then I start to think about all the little things he used to say to me just a few examples
He’s been bought up in a well educated middle upper class family I’ve been bought up in less educated family middle lower class family he’s parents wouldn’t like me.
Everything evolved around food. If we had disagreements if I got him pizza he’d talk to me again.
If I ever went to meet a friend or family I’d have to get him a takeaway he’d order it so basically I’d spend 5 minutes with friends or family.
If I loved him I should know what is favourite pizza is from the takeaway.
If I was shopping I’d get a message saying I’d love you even more if you’d get me fish chips.
I’d go to DIY stores as for what he’s told to get it doesn’t exist making me look like a idiot. Is this abuse or is it normal I’ve only ever had 3 partners longest being 12 years Is this normal xx -
Thank you Flowerchild – you are right. Even though he doesn’t think or feel like a normal person, I sometimes forget that whilst I have to live with what he did to me, he has to live with what he did to someone he supposedly loves. I had hoped he had spent the last few months getting help but from his outright denial, I can see that he hasn’t because he obviously thinks he has done nothing wrong! It’s heartbreaking that the man I loved so much is a manipulator, an abuser and a liar.
Lulabell – that sounds awful and extremely manipulative/belittling. Have you spoken to him about it? Sending you lots of love you are not alone x
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