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    • #61628
      maddog
      Participant

      But not forever yet. He’s moved out of the house and is plotting with his solicitor because I reported him to the police. I haven’t heard back from the police but I expect they will NFA him. He denied everything. Now he is out of the house, other things he did are starting to surface.

      He expected me to be a mind reader.

      At the moment the children say that I criticise them because I think a cake looks revolting or because I don’t like the same things as they do. I am really struggling with this as my ex was always telling me that I was criticising him or trying to start an argument. Asking him to help was fraught.

      He is expecting 50/50 custody. The children have already said that they don’t want this, so he thinks CAFCASS is going to help. I have said to both him and the children that they can see and stay with him whenever they like. They must however have a base and know that their clothes and bedlinen will be clean and that there will be food on the table for whoever turns up.

      I have been blind to his behaviour for so long. Perhaps I didn’t want to, or couldn’t believe that someone could be as callous as he is, so without feeling. I fear for our children. He was very pleased that our youngest stayed over and wasn’t grumpy. It is as though he needs a female in his life to get approval from. That person was once me.

    • #61636
      Ayanna
      Participant

      That is a progress.
      It is not easy to get these monsters out of our lives and with children it is ten times more difficult.

    • #61638
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done. Change the locks. My ex made himself out to be the victim in all of this to whoever would listen. Remember you are the parent and the responsible adult and if I was you I would fight to keep the children with you legally as much as you can. He can enforce his rights with the law if he has 50/50 access whether the kids agree or not so take legal advice. The last thing you want is the police turning up to take your children to him. Your confidence will be knocked just now so try to ignore the comments of your children. It sounds like triggers rather than you just being annoyed.

    • #61687
      maddog
      Participant

      My ex too is insistent that he is the victim. I asked him once if, once you’d done time for murder, if you would remain forever known as a murderer. He said yes. By that measure he will always be a wife b****r. I am still caught up in rape myths. Those vast gaps in our sex life, only fixed by restored trust through marriage guidance, then back to the same. Round and round and round.

      (detail removed by moderator).

    • #61692
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’ve recently started trauma counselling and am beginning to understand the intrusive thoughts and the round and round are because our rational brain is shut down. When we have therapy to deal with the trauma we retain, our rational brain weakens up. I can see things so clearly now, where before they were manic irrational thoughts and acts. It takes time but if you can simplify your life as much as possible, it helps regain that true perspective. Combined with good trauma therapy which is almost impossible to find. I’ve just began EDMR therapy and it all makes sense. I just need to apply it now so hang in there. Recovery is a long road x

    • #61698
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi maddog,

      That is great news he has left the house. Mine wouldn’t leave, he wanted me gone! And he went to great lengths and expense to achieve his aim. As Ayanna said it is very hard to physically get the abusers out of our lives, but he knows (that with your new-found awareness) that the game is up with you so he won’t be able to control you as before. Him being physically gone will give you more space. He won’t stop his crazy-making antics via third parties (children, solicitors, whoever’s ear he can bend to listen to him) but it will be easier to go No Contact with him from afar.

      Everyone in the household is affected by the abuser and his antics. My children were like yours at the stage you are at in the process of breaking free from an abuser. It will pass but it is triggering and tough to deal with their criticism and negativity. But they will improve. They have been around his toxicity and huge dysfunction as a person so they are bound to be affected. But your stability and a house now free from his day -to -day presence will help them to become less negative. Post on here as much as you can when the children ‘dump’ their negativity unto you. That way at least you won’t be making a bad situation worse. But believe me things will get better in all of your lives without his day-to-day presence. That is the miracle of us coming on here and gaining awareness and strength and the courage to change. When we change (although abuser never changes), the dynamic changes and abusers can up and leave. Mine didn’t physically leave initially but when he saw the game was up with me and I was aware of his behaviours in our cycle of abuse, he threatened to end the relationship via solicitor’s letter. He has now moved unto another girlfriend/source of fuel who is unfortunately caught up in his toxic ‘game’.

      KIP that is great the healing therapies you have accessed and lucky for us on this Forum too, looking forward to hearing all your thoughts and perspectives on our situations as you progress in your healing!

    • #61703
      maddog
      Participant

      It is brilliant that he has finally left! It’s been a long time coming. His second action against me right at the beginning was to threaten an occupation and non mol through a solicitor. Sounds similar to you, lover of no contact. In the end it was the police who persuaded him that it would be better if he left. Even then he dragged his feet. Now he wants to cause trouble with child access. The children are old enough to make up their own minds and frankly I could do without the expense of arguing. I have asked him to communicate through writing (as the words that come out of his mouth make no sense).

      I am so pleased for you too, KIP that you have found suitable counselling. It’s really difficult. I owe my life to the NHS and the welfare state. Some of the MH professionals have been just fantastic. I have really struggled with the private sector and now have massive issues with trust having been let down again and again and again by relationship counsellors.

      I stopped the rape counselling as my ex was still in the house and it was like training the tide. It’s really odd to actually feel more relaxed now he’s gone. It’s interesting to feel the anxiety rising when I know he’s around. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I realised.

    • #61709
      maddog
      Participant

      He came round today. His only local friend isn’t being very friendly. I felt sorry for him. I know this friend of his doesn’t like anyone very much. I am sorry that my ex invested trust in him and he has been let down.

      He chose to have me arrested for something that didn’t happen. He chose to take control of the situation by divorcing me and making me the baddie.

      He is now angry with his former friend. He is not and never has been honest with himself. I fell in love with him. I trusted him. I wanted children with him. I ignored the red flags because I wanted children and maybe I thought that nobody else would want me. I also thought he would protect me. I thought although my mum had told me otherwise that something would change.

      I have been discharged from the ISVA service since the original rape has been NFA’d. I am anticipating that my ex will be NFA’d as well. It’s also preying on my mind that I’m not really being believed. As though I’m believing my ex when he told me it was affection. Now he’s out of the house I wonder what the hell he thought he was doing with me sexually. He wasn’t looking at me.

    • #61714
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, please do not allow him to come to your home. It doesn’t look good with the police and it won’t look good in future when he kicks off again and you allowed him back into your life. I know it’s wrong but many people don’t understand the dynamics and coercive control. Like making you feel sorry for him. You’re stuck in Stockholme Syndrome. He will be plotting and scheming and this contact will discredit you and give him credibility. It will also slow down your recovery. Contact brings mind games. I’m glad the NHS helped you. It really is a postcode lottery.

    • #61718
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi, I agree strict “No Contact” with him is your aim from here on in. Now to implement it, with his entitlement and stepping roughshod over your boundaries is another thing so keep posting and we will share our experiences. He’s not going to like it, you deciding to go No Contact, but its essential for your recovery, and for harmony in your home.

      He left thinking he can still abuse you although he’s not living in the home. Divorce/separation/them not living with us can mean nothing if we don’t go “No Contact” with the divorce/separation etc. Abusers know nothing has changed (even if they are not living with us), if they can still engage us and have contact with us.

      Contact with our abusers empowers (feeds) their Power and Control addiction and weakens us. However the opposite also applies, they get weaker and we get stronger and more empowered and back to ourselves when we are strict about applying No Contact with them.

    • #61719

      Well done for getting this far. I know from experience that they sometimes try to use CAFCASS as a tool to intimidate. and it can be really hard to deal with. In my case at first CAFCASS represented his view and believed everything he said. It was very hard.

      ftc
      x

    • #61748
      maddog
      Participant

      I really hope that CAFCASS doesn’t get involved. He is off at the moment seeking validation from his female relatives. He was horrible about his first wife and clearly has terrible taste in women. I will let him know that he must contact me before turning up and yes, I will find out about changing the locks. Home feels much calmer now. I am just reeling from his behaviour. It’s very early days.

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