6th September 2021 at 5:58 pm #131110
Hello, this is my first post and nervous about writing what I have to say and only doing this to try and help me keep strong and eventually be able to fully recover. I wasn’t physically harmed by my ex-partner, it was more emotional where he manipulated me without me realising half the time. I asked him to leave (detail removed by Moderator) because I felt myself falling deeper into the black hole where I know I wouldn’t be able to climb out of it mentally well. On the (detail removed by Moderator) date, he humiliated me in public and the abuse has sadly continued ever since. He got me pregnant and throughout my pregnancy, he would say upsetting things and leave me in a state of distress. I had to buy all for the baby with no help and since he left hasn’t helped financially, so I contact CSA and now he’s requesting a DNA test, even though he has repeatedly demanded to see the baby. I know deep within my heart I’ve done the right thing ending the relationship as I didn’t want to be unwell, and after he threaten verbally to slap me around but I’m still finding each day challenging, as he throws another emotional punch. I wake up during the night in fear, and how my and babies future will be and what this person has put me through. I could do with support right now. No person should experience this and I wonder how people are made to do this. For my recovery I want to be able to write my story, to support others. My post may be a little jumbled and I apologise. Thanks in advance.
6th September 2021 at 6:51 pm #131113Put the kettle onParticipant
Hi, welcome to the forum.
Well done for leaving an abusive relationship, it’s a very hard thing to do. Have you spoken to any domestic abuse charities or helplines? Also your GP, friends and family? You’ll probably need support and these are great places to start.
My ex with holds finances too when it suits him, cms can take the money out of his wages if necessary. I too paid for a our baby’s stuff, i didn’t realise until we’d separated that I’d paid for everything despite him earning more. I’m not sure about questioning the paternity side of things, i suspect he’s just doing it to cause you stress and delay payments.
Nobody has a right to threaten to slap you about or humiliate you. Try to focus on looking yourself and your baby.
8th September 2021 at 8:57 pm #131199
Hi, Put the kettle on, thank you for responding to my post as I teared up because you acknowledged me – thank you!
I’m feeling emotionally strained every time baby’s father emails. He upsets me by saying awful things in an argumentive way. Try my best not to allow him to upset me any more than he has, but find this challenging. I responded to his upsetting email (detail removed by moderator). He now asks in more detail how the baby is doing, questions like how much does he feed, sleep, eat. I’m still breastfeeding to his discussion and demands for me to stop and his word(detail removed by moderator). I’m still recovering from birth, loving my little bundle of joy, but live in a continuous nightmare, as I face (detail removed by moderator). Today hasn’t been good, even after pushing myself to go on a group walk and chat with other mums. I’ve lost weight even smaller than I was pregnant and feel embarrassed and ashamed, as people tell me how much I’ve lost.
I made my third call to the domestic abuse helpline today, for more emotional support and was told to seek legal advice, to go to my GP and someone will contact me about counselling and maybe peer support.
I’m not sure why I’m worried or anxious about the baby’s dad wanting more details about his sleep and feed pattern. Can anyone please provide advice? I’ve kept his dad updated (detail removed by moderator) but he messaged earlier than expected this month and it’s scared and upset me. On and I’m worried to tell my GP what’s is going on. Thank you
8th September 2021 at 11:21 pm #131207HawthornParticipant
Just wanted to tell you how brave you are. To be coping with his ongoing abusive behaviour is difficult on its own, and you’re doing it while recovering from childbirth and caring for an infant. Please try to recognize the strength and effort that is taking, of course its taking its toll on you and you’re losing weight, but you’re doing it, so do try to give yourself a pat on the back.
Try to focus on the little things if you can, resting when baby is sleeping, trying to eat little and often. I lost a huge amount of weight both before and after leaving my abuser, and I was slim to begin with. I really had to make myself eat, even though I had no appetite, but slowly my appetite returned. I don’t want you to feel this is another thing to stress about, but if you are rested and nourished you will feel better able to cope with all the stress he’s causing you.
It can feel scary to reach out to your GP, and to talk about the abuse, so really well done on phoning the helpline and reaching out here. It takes lots of courage to reach out, but try to gather a little more and reach out again. Your GP will help you and link you with local support services. You need and deserve support and there is help available if you can bring yourself to reach out for it. It’s normal to feel frightened and anxious when your abuser contacts you, especially when he is still trying to dictate to and control you, and contact with him is toxic for you. An abuser will always try to push your boundaries which is why he is not sticking to your agreed time frame for contact. Legal advice would be helpful but one step at a time. Meantime speak to your GP, and know that you are doing what what is right for you and your baby by breast feeding.
Your baby is very lucky to have you. Take the very best care of yourself xx
9th September 2021 at 12:22 am #131209
Thank you Hawthorn, for your comments of support.
I had a good life before meeting this person. And feel the life I once knew and loved has gone.
I am now enslaved by a person I tried to get away at the very start of the relationship. I will reach out to my GP and I must had shown signs at my (detail removed by moderator), as she said if I need anything at all she’s there to help. It’s just so scary.
The man I left use to say he had waited a life time to find me and that I was his love of his life. He use to also say (detail removed by moderator).
I was worried to contact CMA as I hadn’t had much contribution and he didn’t like it and he’s now withholding until a DNA test (detail removed by moderator). I can’t afford legal help and don’t qualify for legal aid. Hes ruining me and dosen’t care what impact he’s having on his child. I’m doing this horror alone except when others check in now and again to give their emotional support and of course the support here.
10th September 2021 at 11:18 am #131273zenmommaParticipant
Hi Rebuilding my life
I had a similar experience, and I’m still getting thrown curve balls by my ex regarding child contact. I want to suggest something put very stringent boundaries in place, put in an email to him, only allow him to contact you via one media and even only once a month. You can stress that if anything (god forbid) happens you will contact him. If he is wanting contact suggest he approaches a contact centre. When you reply keep it neutral do not rise to any hate speech.
Just because he is the birth father does not give him rights that will cause you distress. You are your child’s primary carer and looking after yourself and your baby is your priority, your ex lost the right to have daily contact when he crossed the line and became an abuser. He has absolutely no right to dictate to you how you feed your child. I wonder of his name is on the birth certificate? If it is instruct him if he is concerned about things he can contact the GP or your midwife (if they are still involved). Also in my view, (which is something that took me a while to realise) he has no right to ask intrusive questions as for sleeping routines etc do not feel you need to go into detail. Please reach out to you GP, if it is only to have a record of the things that are happening and how it is making you feel.
I don’t know the details of your finances but personally I would not pursue CM until you are feeling more in control, if you do claim CM then please just because he contributes to his child financial it does not mean he can have any power or control over YOU.
Also contact 101 I found the police force can be quite helpful especially if his contact with you is threatening, sometimes when you are in the middle of the fog you cant process things in a rational way having an independent person look over the situation may help, it maybe he is committing a crime by harassing you and they may go and have a chat with him to make sure he realises what he is doing.
All that said well done for going out with other moms. and well done by facing things and typing them out on here its not easy.
Finally remember, You are Strong, You are Beautiful and You are the author of your story, dont give them the power.
much love to you and your family xxxx
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