Tagged: counselling, Drs, legal, please help, therapy
- This topic has 21 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by Hereforhelp.
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6th September 2021 at 5:58 pm #131110RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Hello, this is my first post and nervous about writing what I have to say and only doing this to try and help me keep strong and eventually be able to fully recover. I wasn’t physically harmed by my ex-partner, it was more emotional where he manipulated me without me realising half the time. I asked him to leave (detail removed by Moderator) because I felt myself falling deeper into the black hole where I know I wouldn’t be able to climb out of it mentally well. On the (detail removed by Moderator) date, he humiliated me in public and the abuse has sadly continued ever since. He got me pregnant and throughout my pregnancy, he would say upsetting things and leave me in a state of distress. I had to buy all for the baby with no help and since he left hasn’t helped financially, so I contact CSA and now he’s requesting a DNA test, even though he has repeatedly demanded to see the baby. I know deep within my heart I’ve done the right thing ending the relationship as I didn’t want to be unwell, and after he threaten verbally to slap me around but I’m still finding each day challenging, as he throws another emotional punch. I wake up during the night in fear, and how my and babies future will be and what this person has put me through. I could do with support right now. No person should experience this and I wonder how people are made to do this. For my recovery I want to be able to write my story, to support others. My post may be a little jumbled and I apologise. Thanks in advance.
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6th September 2021 at 6:51 pm #131113Put the kettle onParticipant
Hi, welcome to the forum.
Well done for leaving an abusive relationship, it’s a very hard thing to do. Have you spoken to any domestic abuse charities or helplines? Also your GP, friends and family? You’ll probably need support and these are great places to start.
My ex with holds finances too when it suits him, cms can take the money out of his wages if necessary. I too paid for a our baby’s stuff, i didn’t realise until we’d separated that I’d paid for everything despite him earning more. I’m not sure about questioning the paternity side of things, i suspect he’s just doing it to cause you stress and delay payments.
Nobody has a right to threaten to slap you about or humiliate you. Try to focus on looking yourself and your baby. -
8th September 2021 at 8:57 pm #131199RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Hi, Put the kettle on, thank you for responding to my post as I teared up because you acknowledged me – thank you!
I’m feeling emotionally strained every time baby’s father emails. He upsets me by saying awful things in an argumentive way. Try my best not to allow him to upset me any more than he has, but find this challenging. I responded to his upsetting email (detail removed by moderator). He now asks in more detail how the baby is doing, questions like how much does he feed, sleep, eat. I’m still breastfeeding to his discussion and demands for me to stop and his word(detail removed by moderator). I’m still recovering from birth, loving my little bundle of joy, but live in a continuous nightmare, as I face (detail removed by moderator). Today hasn’t been good, even after pushing myself to go on a group walk and chat with other mums. I’ve lost weight even smaller than I was pregnant and feel embarrassed and ashamed, as people tell me how much I’ve lost.
I made my third call to the domestic abuse helpline today, for more emotional support and was told to seek legal advice, to go to my GP and someone will contact me about counselling and maybe peer support.
I’m not sure why I’m worried or anxious about the baby’s dad wanting more details about his sleep and feed pattern. Can anyone please provide advice? I’ve kept his dad updated (detail removed by moderator) but he messaged earlier than expected this month and it’s scared and upset me. On and I’m worried to tell my GP what’s is going on. Thank you
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8th September 2021 at 11:21 pm #131207HawthornParticipant
Hi RebuildingMyLife,
Just wanted to tell you how brave you are. To be coping with his ongoing abusive behaviour is difficult on its own, and you’re doing it while recovering from childbirth and caring for an infant. Please try to recognize the strength and effort that is taking, of course its taking its toll on you and you’re losing weight, but you’re doing it, so do try to give yourself a pat on the back.
Try to focus on the little things if you can, resting when baby is sleeping, trying to eat little and often. I lost a huge amount of weight both before and after leaving my abuser, and I was slim to begin with. I really had to make myself eat, even though I had no appetite, but slowly my appetite returned. I don’t want you to feel this is another thing to stress about, but if you are rested and nourished you will feel better able to cope with all the stress he’s causing you.
It can feel scary to reach out to your GP, and to talk about the abuse, so really well done on phoning the helpline and reaching out here. It takes lots of courage to reach out, but try to gather a little more and reach out again. Your GP will help you and link you with local support services. You need and deserve support and there is help available if you can bring yourself to reach out for it. It’s normal to feel frightened and anxious when your abuser contacts you, especially when he is still trying to dictate to and control you, and contact with him is toxic for you. An abuser will always try to push your boundaries which is why he is not sticking to your agreed time frame for contact. Legal advice would be helpful but one step at a time. Meantime speak to your GP, and know that you are doing what what is right for you and your baby by breast feeding.
Your baby is very lucky to have you. Take the very best care of yourself xx
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9th September 2021 at 12:22 am #131209RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Thank you Hawthorn, for your comments of support.
I had a good life before meeting this person. And feel the life I once knew and loved has gone.
I am now enslaved by a person I tried to get away at the very start of the relationship. I will reach out to my GP and I must had shown signs at my (detail removed by moderator), as she said if I need anything at all she’s there to help. It’s just so scary.
The man I left use to say he had waited a life time to find me and that I was his love of his life. He use to also say (detail removed by moderator).
I was worried to contact CMA as I hadn’t had much contribution and he didn’t like it and he’s now withholding until a DNA test (detail removed by moderator). I can’t afford legal help and don’t qualify for legal aid. Hes ruining me and dosen’t care what impact he’s having on his child. I’m doing this horror alone except when others check in now and again to give their emotional support and of course the support here.
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10th September 2021 at 11:18 am #131273zenmommaParticipant
Hi Rebuilding my life
I had a similar experience, and I’m still getting thrown curve balls by my ex regarding child contact. I want to suggest something put very stringent boundaries in place, put in an email to him, only allow him to contact you via one media and even only once a month. You can stress that if anything (god forbid) happens you will contact him. If he is wanting contact suggest he approaches a contact centre. When you reply keep it neutral do not rise to any hate speech.
Just because he is the birth father does not give him rights that will cause you distress. You are your child’s primary carer and looking after yourself and your baby is your priority, your ex lost the right to have daily contact when he crossed the line and became an abuser. He has absolutely no right to dictate to you how you feed your child. I wonder of his name is on the birth certificate? If it is instruct him if he is concerned about things he can contact the GP or your midwife (if they are still involved). Also in my view, (which is something that took me a while to realise) he has no right to ask intrusive questions as for sleeping routines etc do not feel you need to go into detail. Please reach out to you GP, if it is only to have a record of the things that are happening and how it is making you feel.
I don’t know the details of your finances but personally I would not pursue CM until you are feeling more in control, if you do claim CM then please just because he contributes to his child financial it does not mean he can have any power or control over YOU.
Also contact 101 I found the police force can be quite helpful especially if his contact with you is threatening, sometimes when you are in the middle of the fog you cant process things in a rational way having an independent person look over the situation may help, it maybe he is committing a crime by harassing you and they may go and have a chat with him to make sure he realises what he is doing.
All that said well done for going out with other moms. and well done by facing things and typing them out on here its not easy.
Finally remember, You are Strong, You are Beautiful and You are the author of your story, dont give them the power.
much love to you and your family xxxx
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23rd October 2022 at 10:19 pm #151086RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
It has been a year even more since my last post. In this time I’ve had great support from women aid which has helped me keep strong and stand my ground.
Although, I thought by fighting back and standing up for myself and my precious child that he would understand he needed to stop his behaviour. I’ve put up boundaries to protect my wellbeing that I will not accept his verbal queues and to write any matters or concerns by email or in a note book.
One occasion he ran at me with his car, I didn’t think he would run me over but to frighten me. Which he did but I withheld and hid my fear not to allow him to see. In (detail removed by Moderator) occasions since (detail removed by Moderator) he’s been verbal this is they way he frightens me. I have no one to ask to do the handovers and I’ve asked him ‘poliently’ to write an email with what he wants to say (instead of scaring me in a public hand over place.
Everyone said if I stood up to a bully they would leave me alone. When will the torment end?
I practice calming myself, meditation, have pampering sessions, breathing and try to claim myself but still he effects me. I don’t show him how he effects me though.
I still haven’t gained much weight and am embarrassed in the way I look (ashamed). My savings have gone as I had no choice but to take things legal 🙁
Anyone, please tell me some positive stories. I know people who abuse never change but there must be light at the end, surlh?
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22nd January 2023 at 11:49 pm #154665RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Please can anyone provide some kind of support, please? I take all responsibility of the situation. It’s been years I’ve done everything possible to keep him at arms length but still he continues and it’s mentally draining. He keeps pushing to talk when I have to meet him due to having children together. I’ve asked for communication in writing only to keep him away. (detailed removed by Moderator) he had messaged my mobile (of course I’ve blocked him). I believe he’s playing a tactic to use against me in the future. He’s pushing for me to talk go him whilst I meet for for minute so he sees his child. I don’t want to communicate for fear he make me say something without even realising it’s an incorrect answer. It’s left me exhausted by receiving the message (detailed removed by Moderator). He’s told me to think seriously about what he’s proposed that I need to start communicating verbally with him, that he wants our child, me and him to go for a day out. To go for a drive to talk about things. I don’t want to do the things he’s proposing but to keep things as meeting in a public place and communicating in writing it’s the only way I feel safe. Any advice would be helpful. I forgot to mention that he knows not to message me I. My private phone and insists I can call, text or email him anytime. Please help
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23rd January 2023 at 12:24 am #154668Better-daysParticipant
Hi rebuilding my life, I just want to say I can’t offer much advice I’m still in my relationship so we’ll done what u r doing is amazing.
I think these men will never change they r sick. I believe reading your posts you are definitely over the worst of this and yes use your voice and just say no thanks to going anywhere with him If ur not comfortable. What I will say is if u post this as a new post some more people might see it as youv written it as a reply to a old post if u know what I mean x*x -
23rd January 2023 at 9:10 am #154673GoldengirlParticipant
Hi, lovely lady. You have come a long way and are doing so well. Unfortunately, abusers don’t like to lose control over their target and he is showing all the signs that he knows he can’t call the shots anymore. He can rant and rave and say what he likes – just block him from everything except one avenue, a text for instance. State your terms and stick to them. Have you thought about buying a pay as you go cheap phone? It would just be for his contact. State he is to text only if necessary. That way, in between visits you can switch the phone off. It will also act as a point of evidence of any continued abuse. Don’t react to any nastiness, other than to say it’s not appropriate or wanted.
As for positive stories, I am a few years out of a very long relationship and we have children. Yes, it does get so much better. Unfortunately, you have to debrief like a soldier back from war first. You have to learn you are right to do things your way and that you don’t have to do anything they want you to do anymore. You control your life now and he can’t use your child as a way of controlling you. Believe me, he’ll try his best. This is the hardest part. You are so used to doing things the way he wants but you don’t have to. You are doing so well and that’s why he’s upping the pressure. You are a beautiful soul and deserve to be cherished. You’ll get there and find the old you. Good luck x-
2nd February 2023 at 8:01 pm #155098RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
I pray for the situation to get better. The trauma isn’t so bad but still I’m allowing him to cause worry and stress. Don’t wish for this to get worse be better. I wish for everyone not to experience abuse in any form. I think and search for answers to why some human being cause harm on to others
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23rd January 2023 at 9:12 am #154674GoldengirlParticipant
Hi, lovely lady. Forgot to say you don’t have to answer the phone allocated to him either. That’s what the red phone button is for and then just switch it off.
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2nd February 2023 at 7:58 pm #155097RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Thank you ❤️
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23rd January 2023 at 9:54 am #154680Footballfan1Participant
Hi,
You have done amazing to get so far.
Have you logged any instances with a domestic abuse worker or the police?Being a victim of domestic abuse means you have a higher chance of qualifying for legal aid.
Do not go on any days out with him.
This is a form of control.
You do not want to get in a car and go anywhere with him.I’m only around (detailed removed by Moderator) out of my relationship.
We have children together.
There will be various legal matters to sort out.
I have been told unfortunately that he will drag everything out make it 10x harder.
That’s what a legal person said to me.My ex put pressure on me to go for day trips, pressured me for dates.
I almost did a couple of times but there was dread in my stomach so I backed out.
Obviously this made him more angry.
Funny thing was, I couldn’t even remember why I agreed, it was like he tricked me into it, and I couldn’t even think why I would have agreed.
He is still trying to control me and the kids.
I had to go 0 contact with him and the kids.
He was interrogating them about where we had been going, who with etc and he was getting nasty when they weren’t sure.
I honestly think these types of people are delusional and dangerous.I read your earlier posts where your ex demanded dna tests.
My ex said the same thing, yet demands 50/50 contact, to share the kids equally.
Why, if he believes they are his?
It’s because they are only saying about the dna tests to stress us out.
My ex told everyone I had been unfaithful .
It is untrue and again he said it to cause me distress.Please keep posting, we can all support each other x*x
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2nd February 2023 at 10:39 pm #155105RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Thank you for responding. I am truly sorry to hear/read of what this person has and is putting you through.
It seems not to matter if we’re nice or not they still seem to continue. I believe you’re right in thinking they continue to control and affect our mental health. I certainly won’t be going anywhere with this person alone. I’m too scared of him. He’s using our child as a form to continue his bad behavior as you said is also happening to you and your children. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and reading to understand bad behavior and abuse. You’ve reaffirmed that they require some kind of control over another person. But why I don’t have the answers but searching for the answers to why isn’t good or will help my well-being. I’ve put in place grey and yellowing rocking and still, he is pushing for more from me. I can not express how mentally and physically I’ve felt about receiving gifts from this man. (detail removed by moderator). I was advised not to return as this would indicate further abuse. Instead ive sold or given away. I pray our situations to improve how much more can we take after putting in place preventive and protective measures. My child cannot speak in sentences yet and I dread what they will tell me. I plan to keep personal things from my child so they cannot repeat things to the father it’s going to be tough though ❤️
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2nd February 2023 at 10:41 pm #155106RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Thank you for responding. I am truly sorry to hear/read of what this person has and is putting you through.
It seems not to matter if we’re nice or not they still seem to continue. I believe you’re right in thinking they continue to control and affect our mental health. I certainly won’t be going anywhere with this person alone. I’m too scared of him. He’s using our child as a form to continue his bad behavior as you said is also happening to you and your children. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and reading to understand bad behavior and abuse. You’ve reaffirmed that they require some kind of control over another person. But why I don’t have the answers but searching for the answers to why isn’t good or will help my well-being. I’ve put in place grey and yellowing rocking and still, he is pushing for more from me. I can not express how mentally and physically I’ve felt about receiving gifts from this man. (detail removed by moderator). I was advised not to return as this would indicate further abuse. Instead ive sold or given away. I pray our situations to improve how much more can we take after putting in place preventive and protective measures. My child cannot speak in sentences yet and I dread what they will tell me. I plan to keep personal things from my child so they cannot repeat things to the father it’s going to be tough though ❤️ P.S you’re right they cause distress was so upset about the (detail removed by moderator) and having to invite a stranger in my home. Never had that before.
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2nd February 2023 at 7:10 am #155050StrongLifeParticipant
Hi there,
Sorry to hear all of this and glad you have left him.
I would agree with previous post to seek legal and counselling help. Definitely legal to get parenting plan in place.
I was basically to scared to do that (in case it all escalated) of which it did anyway.
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2nd February 2023 at 8:03 pm #155099RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
I pray for the situation to get better. The trauma isn’t so bad but still I’m allowing him to cause worry and stress. Don’t wish for this to get worse be better. I wish for everyone not to experience abuse in any form. I think and search for answers to why some human being cause harm on to others.
I’ve logged reports to police they’ve been no help. What’s the point with logging more they do nothing. I’m keeping log of incidences that seem to happen most contacts and feel they are escalating since (detail removed by Moderator)
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2nd February 2023 at 7:30 pm #155095RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Thank you for all of your replies. I made the right choice leaving the perpetrator and have no doubts about doing the right thing for my mental health and child. To be in an environment of abuse is the worst possible thing and no doubt it would have been the worst outcome to stay, but I do understand why many women and men stay, really I do.
Without giving too much in-depth detail I was strong in protecting and fighting this monster and there are precautionary measures in place. I only meet him when others are present and never alone, because I am fearful of what he’s capable of. He’s not to text, or call my mobile and to communicate by writing only. Safe to say this avoids any further emotional or/and emotional harm to me. I’ve done intensive therapy regarding domestic abuse and I am so appreciative this was available to me. However, I’ve heard the practice has had to reduce the support offered because of funding issues. I know and continue with strong boundaries for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. But, he keeps pushing and pushing. I haven’t acknowledged the text message as he has no right to contact me from a personal number or arrive at my home unannounced. I feel he’s escalating which began (detail removed by Moderator) to the current day. He’s now welcoming me to text, call and email him and if there’s anything I need I can ask. I believe I know what he’s doing, and sure it’s called hovering and love bombing. I don’t want him anywhere near me or allow him to speak to control me as he did when together. He brings gifts for me when I take our child to see him and it brings back the trauma. He use to hurt me emotionally and/or psychologically until I was so distressed and on one occasion (detail removed by Moderator) I was underduress. He lay on the bed next to me and was handing me, (detail removed by Moderator). I’m hoping the law protects me and that I’m going everything possible in the interest of our child but I DO have the human right to protect and prevent myself from experiencing physical, emotional psychological, and financial harm. And hope and pray what I’m doing to protect myself and child that it will not go against me. (detail removed by Moderator). Surely I’m allowed not to talk to him for those few seconds at drop off and right to give him an alternative communication platform. After (detail removed by Moderator) years I thought he would settle and understand that enough is enough. I’ve moved on and happiest ive been from the past (detail removed by Moderator) years of butter grief. My live is back on track and moving positivly forward
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7th February 2023 at 6:47 am #155272StrongLifeParticipant
Police did little for me as well including blaming me and zero help. It’s still the same.
I would suggest for help try counseling. Police help in emergency rather than long term.
It takes a lot. I found it escalated over time. They don’t change.
Domestic violence is common.
Hope that helps you.
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7th February 2023 at 9:54 pm #155305RebuildingMyLifeParticipant
Just want him to stop and really want this bad situation to end. I haven’t contacted the police or logged anything since last year because they didn’t help and closed the case. It made me feel terrible for wasting police time.
However, I can’t go on allowing him to harm me emotionally and psychologically. Buying gifts, sending personal messages, then scaring me whilst driving at my car a fast speed. The constant emails. I’m exhausted. I’ve been told to logged a report using 101 to keep a record. A few days ago I had a strange young man walk passed my front door, never seen him in the area before but was caught on the CCTV ive had installed I was scared and had to push myself out of bed to go and check my home was secure. There’s no need to walk passed my door only next door neighbours etc. I’ve had therapy to support abuse and tools were given to tackle and protect. But, they don’t seem to be working because I feel so frieghtned. I just want my life back before meeting this person.
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8th February 2023 at 10:44 am #155310HereforhelpParticipant
You will get your life back, you may find that you’re different yourself now… I have been out for over a year, zero contact…. I have grown in many ways, building my confidence and self esteem, I also sought help for our teenagers as of course they were affected by their dad… my 2 bring up stories of when they were little and stuff they remember their dad did to me.
Regarding police, everyone’s different and had different experiences, some of my experiences with the police were good and other times useless so now I email any changes or worrying behaviour my ex displays, I forward on his .essages to the police… Apparently it does help if it goes to court, as in, the police can see a pattern if ypu keep emailing them any anxieties or worrying behaviour from your ex… for instance, he is buying you gifts, I am guessing he does that to make him feel like a good person, he is the opposite and is not respecting the boundaries you put in place…. continuation of unwanted gifts/attention etc is harassment… I was told by the police to ask my ex to stop. doing X, YZ .. so I did in a text… in a grey rock way as I have no interest in what he wants. Now if he continues they can s9eak to him re harassment… only if you are ready as this is a process, unjudged on this forum as we all get it
HFH ❤️
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