21st December 2015 at 2:56 pm #6432East17Participant
….like one of Pavlov’s dogs…. and I hate myself for it.
Why can I see the logic when it’s pointed out to me (‘you are not responsible for his welfare’, ‘you are not responsible for his happiness or his behaviour’) yet when he needs me, I come running…
I am told that he ‘will manage perfectly well’ without me, yet somehow, he has managed to make me believe that he won’t. How can an otherwise sensible person go from being an independent woman with a mind of her own to an anxious, clingy wreck who can’t live her life without “his” approval.
The way the change in behaviour gradually creeps up on you, insidious…he must have really done a number on me, and I never saw it coming. I thought once I recognised this, it would help me to break free, yet I am still dancing to his tune.
I need to find the strength somehow to break away for good, but I don’t know where that strength is coming from, I’m all out of hope right now.
21st December 2015 at 8:50 pm #6434TamraParticipant
I’m guessing from what your saying is you are still with your perb.
I left nearly a few months ago but your words sound how I lived for nearly 2 decades.
I was a confident women and he tore me down strip by strip until I was totally at his beck and call. When he had his sabotaging moments, which were very often, he would need me to put him back together. I was there for him night and day. When he had moments he would say ‘ask me how you can make this better’ ‘ask me how you can make me happy’ and other sayings. Everyone around me would say he can look after himself but no I couldn’t do that I would feel to guilty and I guess I would feel needed. Became my role but then every so often he would cheat and then still expect me to put it right.
He’s let me go again for another women and I feel totally lost even though I know in the long term I will be able to breath again and hopefully find the confident women I once was. I keep hoping for that relief and think thank goodness I went but I’m guessing that will come with time. But the truth I’m hurting like mad and would love for him to fix this for once but while he has a new ‘supply’ I’m never going to get that and have to learn to except this is life now and I will hopefully find a new love that will actually love me.
I feel for you deeply as its the hardest decision to make and break free. The heart ache will happen and the pull to save him or yourself from pain… Will also be strong but I trust one day I’ll look back and say thank god
Lots of love and a hug being sent to you
22nd December 2015 at 9:05 pm #6492East17Participant
Thanks Tamra for your reply. You have managed to stay away for a few months and I know how hard that is after over 2 decades with a person… I haven’t managed more than a few weeks, so well done you.
I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time with missing him and hoping that he will have a change of heart, but I hope you can find the strength to move forward with your life and build a safe, happy and secure future for yourself.
23rd December 2015 at 8:34 am #6496TamraParticipant
It is really hard to stay away. Like you I used to do a short time then go back, that pull is so strong there feels like no other way to stop the pain.
You will one day move on and stay that way no matter what the pain feels like. And you will see that he is an adult and can take responsibility for himself. Mine went off with another woman and I felt she will be the last that takes him from me as thee has been so many. She was my punishment for not doing as I was told but my friend said see her as your freedom…
I wish you well and sending you a hug
24th December 2015 at 9:22 pm #6573Falling SkysParticipant
I have been with my perv for over three decades, though in the same property we have separate lives.
I am learning to think for myself again, but even though I hate him with a passion I still find myself worrying about him. Thinking about it, thats properly because when hes stressed thats when he’s at his most dangerous.
Don’t punish yourself for not being able to stay away, they are very addictive.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.