- This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by diymum@1.
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17th June 2019 at 10:54 pm #80971fizzylemParticipant
So, my daughter’s just told me her father sat her down twice at the weekend and fired off at her both times for ages, not stopping for air, trying to disuade her re our moving plans. She said it was horrible. I can imagine, he’s so big and she doesnt stand a chance, she just shuts down, he railroads her all the time and doesnt ever actually ask her what she wants, its got to be what he wants – he needs her to be on his side, to be against me when we get to court so he’s really setting about trying to work on her, it’s not worked but its messing with her head. He cant see this is so very wrong. He doesn’t consider her feelings at all. Cant see how damaging it is putting her in the middle like this.
Was really proud of her as she asked him to stop and respect her personal boundaries, she said he totally ignored her and kept going. Sigh.
I feel so powerless to help her, Id just like to whip her out and clear off. If he carries on she wont want to go at all, she will make her own mind up but can see we’re a few years off that just yet.
Any ideas how you would handle this? x
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17th June 2019 at 11:05 pm #80972KIP.Participant
Firstly I’m sending you a virtual 🤗 hug. You probably need one. I can just imagine the scenario of his relentless wearing her down. My ex did this to our son. It’s brainwashing. Constantly repeating. I think to keep teaching her how ‘normal’ loving relationships actually work. Where it’s a two way street and reasoned discussions take place. Give her the tools to deal with his outbursts. Explain it’s him with the insecurities, not her. Break down the questions in her head. Keep talking. What are his real objections for her moving away. The world is a much smaller place now and there’s FaceTime etc. My ex was brainwashing our son behind my back. I didn’t stand a chance. By the time I got to express the truth my ex was playing the victim, using our son as a flying monkey. It’s heartbreaking how they use their own children. Hopefully the court will see right through his selfish motives.
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18th June 2019 at 9:44 am #80992fizzylemParticipant
Thanks KIP, looks like this can be a powerful method of persuasion indeed and it’s a good job I’m onto it. So sad this happened to you, and him, boy needs his mum – he’s robbed him of this, there really are some utterly dreadful people in the world. You have had such a terrible time haven’t you. After everything that’s happened I dont know how you find the strength to carry on, but instead you refuse to let this eat you and you use your experiences to really help others while continuing to fight for justice and change. I hope your son wakes up one day. I believe that he will.
I’m glad she told me, because yes, it gave me the chance to empathise with her and respond to her. I’ve suggested if he gets too much for her to take a time out and go to the bathroom for a bit, he’s clearly not going to listen to her asking him to stop – dont know what else she could do really when it’s happening, will try and get her to text me, so I have some evidence.
He’s full lunacy atm, stopping at nothing, desperate. I’ve been here before – didnt see it coming last time, do this; hopefully it will end for good this time. It’s paranoia and him wanting to control us that’s the problem. I cant reason with someone reactive and irrational, hell bent on taking me down, he’s got no emotional intelligence, so cant meet her emotional needs, its like he can’t see she’s a little person, tbh I think he has a personality disorder so he is the way he is. I am hopeful the J will recognise it. I will be calm and rational – he simply doesnt have any evidence to back up his lies, whereas I will only be using evidence – the problem I have is selecting the right evidence as there is so much, it all feels overwhelming atm but I have help; hoping it should become a lot clearer by the end of this week. Hugs right back at yer x*x
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18th June 2019 at 9:50 am #80993diymum@1Participant
hi fizz – hugs im sorry this is happening. im not sure when your daughters birthday is but at her age they can have there own lawyer – its a good way to stave off his parental alienation (that he may use) which actually isnt even recognised as a syndrome! but it might be an idea – will she speak to womens aid. i think he needs to be exposed – its scarey but he will probably trip himself up there after because he will be angry in court that his mask is being taken xxxx
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18th June 2019 at 10:10 am #80998fizzylemParticipant
Cheers DM, yes I am hoping this will be the case; can see he will be spitting claiming I’m unfit when there really is no evidence for this, (detail removed by moderator) – which is not the case here hey. My support worker said she saw his mask slipping last time, and so thinks this will happen again, my solictor also got the measure of him v quickly, after speaking with him for just 5 mins, think the J did too and we were only there a very short time, he was agressive, attacking, angry and smirking xx
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18th June 2019 at 10:02 am #80996HopeLifeJoyParticipant
I’m sorry this happening to you and your daughter.
I think KIP’s answer is sensible and most wise and would definately go with that. It empowers her to get her voice heard and know that shes isn’t at fault. Counter his brainwashing by empowering her. I think that will even be more powerful then any court order.
Actually I am asking myself at what age does she get her own voice in court?
Can she choose to go see him or not see him? To testify how he behaves with her? Does she has any say in all this at all?
I know children are protected by law against psychological distress from a parent, it is a criminal offence to do that. (child cruelty)-
18th June 2019 at 10:20 am #81000fizzylemParticipant
Thanks for your words and thoughts HLJ; the problem I have is that she’s now withdrawn, cant do questions, I doubt v much she will be able to speak up for herself and she gets emotional as well. I am not asking her anything now, and interestingly it still tumbles out, which gives me the opportunity to empathise. Empowering her really is the way hey. She’s just under the age for this, but then she also has the emotional difficulties. I wish someone would protect her from her father as this is damaging for sure. I am saving for her therapy bills already.
I feel I cant ring CS or I will be viewed as vindictive and causing this – they are so pro dads at the mo. I’ve read such dreadful stories on here. I was told unless he’s battering her or sexually abusing her don’t bother to call as it will only come back at you. Sigh.
I’m just going to ‘show’ and see what the J says x
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18th June 2019 at 12:10 pm #81009HopeLifeJoyParticipant
I’m truly sorry you are going through this honey, I think yes empowering her is the way to go, she will find her strength back, we all do as well don’t we, if the “outside” CS and such aren’t helping, then fight from the inside out, fill her with love and care, just as you are doing, you are already helping her immensely. You are her solid rock. She will be strong one day, I’m sure, she’s got a great role-model!
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18th June 2019 at 1:23 pm #81014diymum@1Participant
id get the solicitor to write out asking that he does not do this – again its evidence – id get a therapist in now if you can even a tick box assessment from them at the moment might be a good help to see how she really feels. i was surprised at what came out of this when we did that. i didnt expect her to be feeling quite as extreme as she was. i think it sounds like you should go for no over nights on the grounds of her disress. the only other alternative is to send her and ask her to keep saying ‘i dont know’ blocking him is the only way – i did this and it did stop until she catagorically would not go xxxx love and hugs diymum
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18th June 2019 at 1:43 pm #81016diymum@1Participant
ive been thinking – you know i think i get his mind set and i dont agree with it. what hes getting his self all angry is that your making the decisions about here well you know dont want tos say on here. but that is his field – abusive men dont like to feel like theyre being one upped if you lke . so in essence this is his powre trip talking and hes not considering her at all. which is wrong but very common and was the same for me. this is about him winning its not about your girl xx id explain to her that your trying to get this sorted but you need her on board – she can take her time. i know someone where by an icident happened on holiday with the father and the kid was really upset – she stopped contact and wrote out via her lawyer that this behaviour was unacceptable and upsetting and if he agreed to less time she would resume the contact. he agreed and the contact went down to two over nights a week. he got holidays but he did get a fright xx he was my exs brother who was abusive also xxxx
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18th June 2019 at 1:47 pm #81017diymum@1Participant
a month sorry – he actually stopped his behaviour xx
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18th June 2019 at 1:48 pm #81018fizzylemParticipant
Yes exactly DM, I’m the primary carer, Ive tried to get him oboard and involve him but all I get is abuse, means I have no choice but do what we (me and my child) think is best for us. He’s fuming, especially now with the school thing, he hasnt even asked her how she feels or what she wants, her thoughts – he doesnt know, because he doesnt care – its all about the fight x
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18th June 2019 at 1:51 pm #81019diymum@1Participant
yeh thats clear but he dosent realise the effect its having on her. that is the worry and again theyre all the same me me me xxxx
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18th June 2019 at 1:53 pm #81020diymum@1Participant
the court is interested in the child getting enjoyment from contact it says that in the right to family life bill and in court they use these words. she is the opposite the court has to see with enough evidence this cant go on xx or needs to be reduced xx
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