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    • #74897
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hi lovelies,

      So after a very long day at work and clubs for the children I came home (detail removed by moderator) and hadn’t been in the door 30 seconds before he started. It was like he’d been waiting for me all day. The problem: is made lasagna for dinner and he didn’t want lasagna for dinner. He lost it and became very physical. By then he’d whipped himself into such a frenzy that he started smashing up the house: all the TVs, PlayStation, photos on the walls, pc computer, and he’s punched a hole in the wall. He was like a madman. I asked him to leave, which I have been doing for a very long time. And he actually has. He’s taken the car and some of his things and he’s gone. He’s never ever done that before, he’s never left no matter how much I’ve begged. My question is what do I do now? I’m petrified and know this is the most dangerous time as he has completely lost control. I don’t know where to start? Please help x*x

    • #74899
      KIP.
      Participant

      Start by ringing the police immediately. Then change the locks. Take advantage of him being gone meantime. I think he will be back so get a non molestation order or occupation order in place to protect yourself. Photograph the damage but please ring the police now.

    • #74900
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please tell the police how scared you are. Emphasise that you fear for your safety, that you need their help. Ask for a police marker on your home in case he returns and seek out help from your local women’s aid. They can help with safety measures too. Your gut is screaming how dangerous he is. Always trust your gut. Reach out for help now there’s a window but he will be back.

    • #74916
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hello She-ra, have you called the Police yet? This is exactly the sort of evidence for a protection order. Just wanted to ditto what KIP has said. He is gone for now, great! But it’s likely he’s not finished yet. Think about this, he wants you to think and feel he’s gone for now, this is an emotional attack on you. Caring, responsible adults ending a long term relationship do so through discussion, they reach the end and figure out together what needs to happen next; which hasn’t happened here hey. He’ll be back, either for round two or to try and reconciliate.

      Get your locks changed asap – after the Police have seen the mess preferably x

    • #74917
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Take it from someone who has been here, it can go from bad to worse for a while during this period. I never imagined my ex was capable of being so cruel and malicious. They set out to try and destroy us – you need to view him as your enemy from here and to now use the law to proect against him x

    • #74918
      fizzylem
      Participant

      This is how to get one step a head x

    • #74946
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Contact the police straight away, this is now criminal damage, he cannot be allowed to get back in the door. The police can arrange for an emergency locksmith also. Keep sage she-ra, this has been a long time coming.
      💕💕

    • #74953
      she-ra
      Participant

      Thank you so much for all your suppport lovelies. You are right on two counts: it’s has been an incredibly long time coming and he’s been back. I’ve been at work all day/kids at school so we’ve been out of the house. My mum has picked us all up and we went to very discretely see if he’s was there, he wasn’t. But he has been there, things weren’t where I left them, there were crumbs on the side etc. I took this as a good sign that he’s been and gone again. He’s not made contact but I feel like I’m jumping at every little noise and shadow. Do I just ring local police number? Do I ask for dv specialist. So sorry lovelies feeling very drained trying to keep up normal work and not really sure whether to be in my house or not. Thank you so much xxxx

    • #74954
      KIP.
      Participant

      I would ring 101 and ask for an officer immediately. Tell them that you fear for your safety. Meantime leave the key inside the lock so he cannot gain access and ring 999 if he turns up. I know you’re drained but this is your chance to get some breathing space from him.

    • #74960
      she-ra
      Participant

      Thank you KIP, keys are in all the locks and waiting for children to fall asleep before I make any calls. Feels so surreal xx

    • #74961
      KIP.
      Participant

      I know it feels surreal because that’s how your life has become. I was so anxious the first time I rang the police but it started abvhain of incredible help. You need help so please reach out. Perhaps a friend or neighbor could sit with you when the police arrive x

    • #74968
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi she-ra, I pray you are safe and that the police put a nonmol order on him. It must be so awful seeing your house turned upside down, but I’m so thankful it wasn’t you. Take care of you and the children. I agree to having someone sit with you or even stay with you for a while, they can face him if he comes back, have nothing to do with him from now on. Love and light sweetheart💕💕

    • #74984
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Just wanted to quickly leave a message of support for you. (I’ve got to be off to work in a mo). Glad for you that he’s actually gone, although the circumstances weren’t good.

      Please get your locks changed and ask the police to get a restraining order. You should also apply for a non-molestation order and occupation order. Rights for women have lots of information on those at their website.

      Stay strong. x

    • #75003
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi she-ra, hope you are doing okay, stay strong.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #75166
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hi lovely ladies

      Thanks so much for all your support, it still feels so surreal. I don’t think I can actually believe he’s gone. The exchange on his house is very very soon so I know he will be back to empty all of his stuff. The last decade has seen him become somewhat of a hoarder so my little house is absolutely packed floor to ceiling with his boxes of junk. My friend has offered me her house as she is on holiday so I may go there once he has a date. I am getting all this info from my email account that he took over years ago. No contact going well. I just feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and so exhausted. Is this normal? X*x

      • #75200
        Cheesequeen
        Participant

        Oh She-ra I’m so sorry your friend has acted in this way. She might think that is helpful but it is the cruelest thing she could have done without it meaning to be. Unfortunately people really don’t understand how terrifying it is to leave these kinds of situations. I’m sure you are all over the place. Try to hold on to your good and hopeful thoughts as long as you can.
        The Police will not act at a pace you aren’t comfortable with. To be honest, they might react more slowly than you think.
        Can you go to a local women’s center? The one I’m at is fantastic. They offer very practical advice and will validate your concerns for safety and help you come up with a plan. It’s never too late for a plan. It can help you feel more in control and that is so important in the leaving stage.
        Easier said than done, but try to avoid ‘catastrophic thinking’. Just remind yourself you are powerful and resilient and you can take everything one step at a time. It’s going to be hard but you CAN do it. Xx

    • #75167
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes. It is. And it will go on for a while. Be good to yourself. It will get better. So glad you’re out x

    • #75193
      she-ra
      Participant

      I feel sick, my friend who I confided in has gone behind my back and reported it to the police. I don’t know what to do. He really will kill me now. I can’t believe she’s done that. It’s tajen me two decades to tell anyone, stupid me I should have kept quiet. I feel like they’ve made my choice for me. I know she’s doing it out if love but I feel devastated. What if they come and take my babies away?!! Xxxx

    • #75196
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’ve replied to your other post. No one will take your babies although I suspect this is a threat your abuser has used to keep you silent. Abuse thrives on silence. Once you speak to the police a whole range of help is available to you. Show them you’re protecting your children x

    • #75202
      Sunflowersandstars
      Participant

      Please don’t direct your anger at your friend, so many of us have been here before and you know what I wish now? That I had called the police and told them how scared I was. I always felt too obligated towards him and feared what would happen to him more than worry about myself. I feel so stupid now. Your friend has done you a huge huge favour- it may not seem like it now but you will see this in time. You will not have your babies taken away- the only chance of that happening is if you choose to stay with him therefor putting them at risk, and you will be given support you just have to reach out and ask for it- and there is so much strength in this even if you don’t feel it. You can do this- you and your children deserve better- you deserve LOVE. Good luck
      SaS

    • #75211
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi she-ra, I wish I had a friend who would help me this way, someone who could articulate to the police enough because I’m too afraid that I’ll minimise and trivialise so much that they’ll just see it as a couple no longer having anything in common rather than what it really is.
      I realise you’re very afraid, this is unknown territory, none of us know how it plays out, but talk to your friend. If she’s a good friend, she’ll know your pain and your fear. She can help you through this by the sounds of it.
      You’re so newly away from him, the fallout from that is massive, everything will feel as if it’s all happening so quickly,outwith your control so to speak. You’ve spent so many years trying to keep everything ticking along, trying not to cause a fuss, set him off. Be brave my friend. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, free of him living in the same house. You’ll always be connected through the children, that doesn’t mean he can or will still control you through the children. Contact WA again, speak to them about how you’re feeling too, keep busy as much as your body will allow, sleep when you can. You are personally in my prayers, sending you love and strength for the coming weeks. 💞💞
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #75920
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hello lovely ladies,

      Thank you all so much for all your support. I am so sorry for being quiet on here, it all happened so fast and I was trying to keep my head above water at work. I am on a short break from work which has been so needed for me and the children. I am pleased to say that we are still free – yipee! I am getting stronger each day I think. We are no contact bar 2 phone calls for him to collect things from the house when we were not here. No contact is definitely the best way for me, it makes me stronger and it feels like a lifetime ago yet it is only a few weeks. We are taking back ownership of our house (I’ve gone a bit Mrs Hinch mad!) But I’m loving it. After years of not being allowed to clean, hoover, tidy, organise etc unless he said so it is bliss! I am a very organised person and I’ve been in my element sorting my cupboards into organised tubs (how sad I know!) Think it’s helping to keep me occupied and make me stronger. The children are doing really well, they haven’t asked for him or about him once. We finally have peace. Peace and quiet and we love it. We can use the whole house now instead of having to live upstairs and hide away from him. There’s no screaming, shouting, swearing, name calling and no violence. I should have done this years ago. I completely understand where my friend was coming from wanting to protect, support and help me. We have spoken since and I completely understand. I also feel that until you’ve lived this life you will never truly understand it: the living with it, the surviving it, the years it takes to leave or the whole journey. To outsiders it seems so easy and so black and white, which we all know sadly it isn’t.

      I definitely have swings of emotions. Some days, like today, I am strong and absolutely fine. Other days I will feel lower and sad at what could have been. Like what lots of you are talking about I am so mad at him for what he’s done to our family. We have the most amazing and beautiful children, I have a good job, we could have had the most wonderful life, I loved him so much I’d have done anything for him, and did. So like you all I do get sad about the what ifs, but I know deep down that the boy I love, the one I’ve been waiting to come back for decades is not real. Who I love doesn’t exist, like so many of you have said I’ve seen his true colours and this monster is who he really is. And nothing I or anyone else ever does will change that. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I am busy rediscvoering myself and the things I like to do: reading (not allowed to do that as that means I’m lazy!), cleaning, painting my nails (never allowed to do that, it attracts other men!). The time for wearing make up and the clothes I want to again will come when I’m ready.

      Just taking it one day at a time and building myself back up bit by bit. I would never have got this far without all of you. Your support, your warmth, your real understanding, your knowledge and your responses. Thank you all so much. xxxxx

    • #75926
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi She-ra, thank you for updating us. I’m really pleased to hear you’re still managing to work, they take so much from us😔 I was just thinking to myself that it’s really hard trying to support others going through this when we are in the final stages of our marriage/ relationship, like the last few days or weeks and that’s why we kinda disappear from the forum. It’s funny how I was thinking that then up you popped, so thank you for taking the time to speak to us, it really is the hardest time to help others when we are nearly out the door, or in the coming weeks afterwards.
      It’s like it takes up all our cognitive energy.

      Guess what, I’m slowly moving my personal things out of the house. There’s been a bereavement in the family and he’s making it all about him!! It’s funny how you really do see so clearout who they are, when that final bit of the FOG clears. I wouldn’t say it’s euphoric, it’s more of an acceptance and I have no desire to argue with him now at all. Major silent treatment going on just now, which funny enough is making my decision to leave so much easier. I pray I don’t waver, but then I think on, that if I stay after all that’s been said, he WILL up the abuse.
      I’m really practicing law of attraction (LOA) now, daily.
      Blessings to you and the children, you’ve made me feel lighter as well reading your lovely post.
      Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

    • #75929
      she-ra
      Participant

      Oh my lovely IWMB I completely get the acceptance and the silent treatment towards the end. And you are so right it does make it easier. I didn’t speak to him unless I had to in the last year, he called me ignorant etc. It wasn’t about ignorance, it was about rising above it and shutting him out, about becoming stronger and sure that I was making the right choice. In the end he left me with no where left to go, no excuses left to use, it became now or never.

      I think you are absolutely amazing for doing it bit by bit, it takes such a long time to build the courage and the strength to do it. Well done you on this amazingly positive step. I pray with you that you don’t waver too, but don’t be too hard on yourself it is such a difficult time. You are so right that it is so much easier to see who they are when they FOG finally clears, even more so when you are finally out the door. To be able to open my front door without fear is absolutely priceless. Keep strong my lovely it will all be worth it. Big hugs xxxx

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