He's left!!

[Moonflower1]

To cut a very long story short after another day of him being an ar** he’s packed up some of his things and left saying “he’ll see me sometime”.

I think this will be just another of his attention seeking mind games but I feel a bit weird, just sort of numb.

Any advice on what to do now??

[Healthyarchive]

My ex did a version of this, normally stormed out or off somewhere when I had upset him (for what I never knew) and would give me total silent treatment for days or longer. I viewed it as a veiled threat that he was done with the relationship and this hooked into my fear of being left. It sounds like a veiled threat to me. My ex done it a number of times. The last time i said to myself “if you do that to me one time time I will say ok, bye”. That is what I did and we have not seen each other since. I read in an article once that If someone finishes with you, the best response would be “no worries” then you go. End of. I wish that I had kept it so short and sweet. I feel this would give you more control. If i were you I would just let him get on with it and don’t go chasing him.

[Serenity]

Hi HA,

My ex used to routinely walk out when he wasn’t treated enough like along.

He hooked into my fear of abandonment, and embarrassingly, I used to ring him and beg him to come back. He only came back once I had begged enough.

Then suddenly, a couple of years ago, I asked myself what the devil I was doing? Why was I begging?

So, he did his usual dramatic walk-out one day, and I made myself a cup of tea and went to bed.

He returned some hours later silent, seething, with a look of rage and disbelief that I hadn’t begged.

I think from this day, he decided to teach me a lesson I wouldn’t forget.

[Serenity]

Moonflower,

How do you feel about him leaving?
I wouldn’t put it past being a game.

See my above post: begging only gave him a sense of power and fed his ego.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes, one time in particular, it was so awful. Never before have i been reduced so low by anybody. By this time I was a professional hardworking person, independent and doing well i thought. He threatened again to leave me, by then I was so hooked by weeks of love bombing I literally begged, pleaded, even camped out in his flat. He threatened to call the police. I was in such a bad way it was terribly, very mentally unwell. All due to his dreadful behavior and threats. I said to myself “you will never do that to me again”. Moonflower I think you should say “OK bye” and let him go. There is a chance that I could be still with my ex now. He did another disappearing act together with the silent treatment. I did a little bit of chasing at first but on the whole I went No Contact and let him get on with it. It gave me some power, this is what you will get too. X

[Moonflower1]

I don’t really know to be honest. He has done this several times before and therefore I just think ‘oh well he’ll be back’. Last time he packed and then made a big scene because I didn’t beg him not to go. When he did go I called him once and it went to answer phone and asked him to to let me know he was ok. I did this because in the past he has said he would commit suicide by crashing the car to look like an accident so that we would get the insurance pay out (how twisted is that?) He didn’t respond but he came back a few hours later.

As you say you did, in the past I would have been calling and begging him to come home or ringing his family and getting them to speak to him. I’m not doing that this time though. I’m not upset, in a way I’m glad that I don’t have to put up with his moaning complaining and sulking.

I do feel a bit panicky that this could be the end of the relationship and I don’t know what is going to happen.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes, if I begged, pleaded, compromised myself and changed he may consider coming back. It was highly unequal and this is what put the final nail in the coffin. He would want me to beg him and be reduced to nothing, he’d be off with other woman and see me when he’s got a spare 5 minutes, I don’t think so!

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Moonflower, the final week I was with my ex he put me in the position i believe where he was seeing other women, if I wanted him I would have to beg and plead and change, it was so bad for me, not even an animal would be treated like that. The relationship at that point was totally unequal, i finished with him then. The end of a relationship is difficult and very painful but I had to weigh up his qualities long term. By then it was the pits.

[Moonflower1]

I think it will be for the best if the relationship is over and maybe this time he will accept this. It feels unfair that he will blaming me for this as if I am the unreasonable one. He was saying today that he just gives in all the time and that the more he gives in the more I want!! Sometimes he talks in riddles that I don’t understand.

Anyway he wont be getting back in tonight as I’ve locked the doors from the inside so he cant just let himself back in. I keep jumping at the sound of each car door outside thinking that’s him back and I hate the way that makes me feel.

[SaharaD]

Hooray good riddance change the locks or send the coppers round to get your keys off him.

[Starmoon]

My ex constantly walked out and left me.. For the same reason serenity said, he knew I felt abandoned. Sometimes I felt relieved or numb like you’re explaining and other times I would beg him hysterically to come home. The outcome is always the same.. It doesn’t matter what we do or how we behave.. My ex said if I gave him space that he would come back sooner… Not true, if I gave him ‘space’ he’d say I didn’t love him, that I was a cheat and it would enrage him that I hadn’t pandered to him. If I followed him or tried to stop him going he’d say I made his rage worse. If I cried I was crazy, if I left him to it didn’t love him. If I didn’t engage in arguments he would say I was weird. But the less I reacted the worse the abuse. We can’t ever win with them. The box they want us to fit is always changing size and shape

[Moonflower1]

SaharaD- you made me giggle with your response! But unfortunately it’s his house too and legally I cannot just lock him out. I could try and get him removed but that may be difficult as I don’t have proof of his abuse (police not involved). Also I think if I did this it would escalate things and at this point i’m trying to avoid that. Perhaps this time we can sort things out like adults!! Wishful thinking on my part perhaps !!

Starmoon – you are exactly right. Because I haven’t called him he’ll say I don’t care and that I’m cold and selfish. Whatever I do is wrong, he’s always moving the goalposts!!!

Awake early this morning as I can’t sleep and can’t decide what to do. Not sure I can face going to work and pretending everything is normal but at the same time thinking that I should just on with my life.

Part of me is also really angry and feels like doing something to shock him and make him sit up and take notice. I hate the feeling of just passively sitting here waiting for him.

[Healthyarchive]

There is a whole range of emotions to come, if you decide you really want to end it then its going to be a case of dealing with the here and now and facing the trauma bonding which isn’t easy. I’m over four months out and my days are still mixed, he still has hooks in my mind, i miss him and feel that I love him. They will never say sorry, admit to being wrong & will blame you for almost everything, it really screws you up & makes you confused. Good luck Moonflower X

[Starmoon]

Hi moonflower. Did he come back? How are you I hope you’re ok?!
I used to feel exactly how you do (well still do). Such a mix of emotions. When our baby was tiny he walked out and stayed in a hotel (using my money) this was after a very mild incident in comparison to ones in the past. All night i was up the the baby and worrying about him. I went from giving him space believing I’d done nothing to deserve him walking out and hoping that if I didn’t argue with him then he’d cool off and come back.. After a few hours when he hadn’t come home I sent a msg… Trying to lighten the mood, maybe I even said sorry- I can’t remember. Then later I was saying sorry and I followed it with begging. I mean I had a tiny baby and I was all over the place. During the stage I’d been annoyed I had put the chain on the door and forgotten to take it off. When he did come home he was fuming saying he was coming back to sort things out but now he didn’t want to as I clearly didn’t want him back in leaving the chain on. You see- I couldn’t do anything rite. I don’t know how long you’ve been together, if you have children or how bad things have been for you to date, I’m sorry. But if this abuse is relatively new I’d urge you to read as much as you can and make plans to leave because it will get worse. X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear moonflower, I, m coming to the realizaction that in the whole horrible mess of abuse what is important is to hold on to is what was happening when you were together, how you felt generally & what you decided to do to deal with the situation. I decided back then that the characteristics my ex displayed & what we had could not make a happy long term future or benefit my life.I was sure at that point,I tried to make it work,he treated me awfully. I say this because the time following breaking up can be so difficult, you think differently from what you did,you can be open to manipulation, my ex could successfully bring me to my knees with his silent treatment, it is not easy to remember the original reasons you broke up sometimes. 👧

[Moonflower1]

Hi Starmoon

No he hasn’t come back – he works away so I wouldn’t really expect him back till Thursday anyway.

However he hasn’t been in contact with me and I haven’t tried to contact him either. I know he’s ok as he’s been in contact with our daughter but he doesn’t ask to speak to me during these calls.

Its so hard to deal with because whilst I want the relationship to end the silence is killing me. I feel I’m making it worse by not contacting him but he walked out why should i contact him. I know this is want he wants he wants me crying and running after him but I’m just not doing that anymore. Then I feel panicky that perhaps its not so bad and should try and sort things out but I know in my heart that even if we did try this time it would happen again. We been in this cycle for a very long time.

I’m afraid that he’ll be really angry that I haven’t made contact and that he’ll want revenge in some way but I don’t know what this will be. It’s the not knowing what he’s thinking that is killing me. When I suggesting separating recently he went mad, calling me a b*****, throwing things out of the kitchen cupboards and cutting up my bank cards saying that I wasn’t going to be running round spending his money if we weren’t together. All this was in front of our young daughter!!

I’m thinking maybe I should call him – what do you think?

[lover of no contact]

No, don’t call him. That’s the usual pattern. Try some new behaviour. You go ‘No Contact’ with him. Unfortunately he’ll be back. Its very hard to get rid of an abuser. They like the abusive relationship with us worried and upset and in fear of them and their antics. In fact, he gets ‘his high’ from our distress and our life unmanageable and our mind and emotions in a mess. Forget him for the next hour (focus on you and your daughter) and do some of your business that needs doing. Eg, tidying out a cuoboard, decluttering, tweezing eyebrows.

He’ll be back unless he thinks it would hurt you more to ‘cruelly discard’ you and to subject you to his silent treatment.

[godschild]

Mine left me decades ago whe the childrn were young, he has often walked out years ago and Ive not known where he is for a couple of days. Now i have monophobia a dread of being alone he does it when he is in a very abusive phase to frighten me then turns his phone off, He has for years packed a case and left it around for me to see, it seems they all do it to “punish ” us for something they imagine we have done, I would not give him the satisfaction ofcalling him,ifyou really want the realtionship to end,make this the last time you let him do this, do you have support form WA in leaving him xx

[Moonflower1]

Well he definitely doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s rang our daughter 10 times trying to get hold of her rather than just text me. She’s primary school age she doesn’t check her messages (and nor should she!) why not just text me and ask her to call him. He’s such an idiot sometimes.

He’ll be playing the victim now feeling sorry for himself that I’ve not called and that if I loved him I would have. He never looks at it that this argument works both ways. If he loved me he would call me!!

I do want the relationship to end but I want it to be as amicable as possible. I just don’t understand why he can’t see this.

I’m afraid of what he’s going to do. He can be very vindictive when he feels like he’s losing – he will want to feel like he’s won at any cost. This is what scares me.

I don’t have WA support. I have spoken to them but to be honest I didn’t find them very helpful. I see a counsellor regularly but she’s on holiday for the next two weeks. I’m finding the situation a real struggle so thank you to all those that have offered advice I really appreciate it. No one else knows what’s happening so I don’t have anyone at the moment to talk to.

[godschild]

I dont think it is always possible to have an amicable end to an abusive relationship thats why yo need help to get away from him they often step up the abuse when they know you may be leaving them,maybe try Womens aid again they are useualy pretty good and helpful x

[Healthyarchive]

Moonflower you are in the identical scenario that I am in, though i’m now (detail removed by Moderator) months out of the relationship, but the dynamics are the same. Both myself and my ex are No Contact, he has made no attempt to contact me during this time. A part of me feels this is a deliberate tactic on his part to punish me, for what I have no idea. He was one for the silent treatment when we were together. It is as if, in his eyes, i have committed a deadly sin and must pay for that. As far as I know i have not done anything wrong. I wanted the relationship to end, as you do, and I ended it, that was probably my deadly sin. The total silence during the past (detail removed by Moderator) months has nigh on killed my mental peace of mind. During the time that we were together, particularly the last few months his behaviour was mixed which I think has added to confusion and doubt in these last few months, he was loving, affectionate and open a few times. I have asked myself if he loved me, he brought me a bouquet for our anniversary which was so out of the ordinary and other nice things that he has said or did, it has created uncertainty in my mind. Another deliberate tactic possibly, i think its called Intermittent Reinforcment (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics). I agree with LONC, try some new behaviour. I think my scenario is what LONC has said, he knows what will hurt me the most, to be cruely disgarded, so he has done that. I agree with what Godschild has said, i.e if you really want the relationship to end, are you certain this is what you want right now? I knew what we had was not enough for long term happiness, he would not talk about problems, apologize, admit anything, i could go on and on, it was rubbish. So it had to end in my view. Once you come to that realization then you can get the action plan in place of breaking away,physically & mentally. Like you i wanted an amicable end, i contacted him (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago wishing him well and best wishes for the future, true to form he ignored me. It struck me yesterday that these men, to be amicable, grown up, decent and respectful, generally those characteristic are not what they have on a day to day basis. I could describe my ex as arrogant, cold, distant and controlling. For me to then expect to be buddies with him despite our split, I just dont know if he is able to . Prepare for the roller coaster of emotions to come and you will be ok XXXXX

[Healthyarchive]

I still say to this day, if someone loves you and wants you in their life they will contact you, know matter what. This is hard and hurtful to swallow if they don’t contact you. My ex has all of my contact details and I do not hear from him. There are plenty more much nicer fish in the sea.

[Moonflower1]

Thanks ladies for your replies

I think if he was gone and not coming back I’d be ok. It’s this feeling of being in limbo that makes me anxious. I keep imagining what he may do and trying to plan how to cope with it. I’m driving myself crazy.

I think I’ll give WA another call tomorrow and explain the current situation and see what they suggest.

[Healthyarchive]

I think its because at the moment your ex is holding the trump card “shall i come back or shall i go” due to his silence. This is controlling as he is dictating how things move forward. As my ex has done which tapped into my greatest achilles heel of being abandoned. This seems to be a deliberate tactic to keep you guessing and on tenderhooks, which is what you are. Can you find a way around this to make yourself feel better? Normally if i have something bothering me i usually find a way around it, positive quotations help me. I really like the one called “Love Your Suffering” by Hermann Hessee. Its about accepting how you feel, not shying away from it, in fact welcoming it. Because when that happens, your fear, doubt, uncertainty etc disappear. I love that verse when times are bad. Love & welcome what you are feeling instead of being frightened by it. X*X

[Moonflower1]

Well it’s now day (detail removed by moderator) with no contact direct to me. He’s been on the phone to our daughter tonight and broke down in tears saying he misses her and loves her.

I’ve had a rubbish day. Couldn’t motivate myself to go work so just stayed home and watched rubbish TV and cried. Thoughts just going round and round in my head. Wish my family lived closer think I’d just go home if it was. Rang WA and they called me back several times but I just don’t know what they can do for me so couldn’t even speak to them.

He usually comes home on a Thursday but don’t know if he’ll be back or not. Even if he does I’m not sure what to say or do.

We are supposed to be going to the big family thing at the weekend which our daughter is really excited about but I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

Feel like I’m just sitting here passively waiting for him – which is obviously what he wants – but frightened if I take action then it will only back fire on me – it always does.

[Moonflower1]

Hello All

The silence from him is making me really anxious (I know this is what he wants) He usually comes home today but when he spoke to our daughter this morning he didn’t say anything like see you later as he usually would (again to keep me guessing).

But I’ve decided to be more proactive today and not just sit round waiting for him. I’ve rang WA again and waiting for them to call me back and I’ve arranged to meet a friend later. I am going to tell her what is going on so that I have someone to support me if he does come back today and kicks off. Also one of my adult sons is home today so there will be someone at home with me if he does come back

I keep thinking about all the things that he’s done to me and it’s sitting inside me like a big knot. I just let it out. I think that once I tell one person then I will be become easier to tell others and also it will make the situation real.

I cannot live like this any longer.

[Anonymous]

How did your day go moonflower? Dod he come back? Did you tell your friend? Did you speak to WA?

Thinking of you and sending hugs xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Moonflower, we have shared some messages & as you now i’m in more or less the identical position as yourself, possibly a little bit further along the gaping emptiness of silent treatment than yourself.

Serenity gave me a link recently, I think this information more than anything else highlights my personal issues, it gives answers to the questions that I have, & explains why I feel the way that I do. I still feel loss, sadness, rejection and abandonment as you do. Please do have a read of this post, it may help you to get through his silence which I believe it deliberate & calculated to hurt us. XXXXX

Historical Rejection: Why the N********t Gives Us Up

[Author]

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