26th November 2020 at 9:20 am #116807
i’m not sure if this is the right section but here goes. i’ve never been in a situation like this before. so i have been with my partner for just over (detail removed by moderator) years now. he is a gentle giant really, very cuddly, squishy and always very protective of me.
fast forward through the mushy stuff there’s been quite a few occasions where he has gotten really angry towards me. the first time it ever happened was early in the morning. he had got out of bed and woken me up, i had not said anything about it and he had gone out the room. i later got up and had said something like it’s so early i’m waking up a lot earlier on my days off. he started shouting and as soon as i finished (detail removed by moderator) and went into the room he was in he started arguing, i said to him that i couldnt be bothered and he dragged me to the living room and smashed my head into the (detail removed by moderator) several times, he then picked up the telly and stamped it out completely.
i was crying and saying why is he doing this and he said because i said he had woken me up… i couldnt believe it. i explained i didnt actually say that and he didnt really care. i started to feel really hurt that he was able to do that to me. i thought we had love between us and i just couldnt believe it. we spoke about it and got past it.
fast forward again another few situations like this he gets angry pushes my face into the wall (he claims he didn’t punch me) because he wrote off my car (didnt tell me) and i wasnt pleased about it, another occasion smashing furniture to pieces, shouting at me poured the pot of (detail removed by moderator) over me saying why should i stand there looking pretty- this was during him going mad breaking things, said he didn’t love me, my (detail removed by moderator) was beat etc, just nasty hurtful things and the most recent… he went out and then started sending me messages that i needed to think about my future, sort the flat out with the landlord etc. so i just broke down he wasnt answering my calls and told me to pick him up then when i said i would and got there he ignored me goes to voicemail.
i decided to leave, i packed some stuff and waited for him to come back to talk to him just to find out if i had got this right anyway i fall asleep he gets back in the morning… woke me up shouting calling me a liar, hitting me with furniture and cut me (i had to have surgery cannot work etc for (detail removed by moderator) months). i ran out the flat when i cold and haven’t been back. we’ve spoken and hes said like it’s because i had packed up my clothes and stuff and he just got angry, that i say things that upset him, that i don’t come for enough affection etc and i know im not perfect but i don’t think i deserve this. but he says he loves me and we can work through this and i’m so in love with him. these occasions have only been scattered and usually we are fine with each and enjoy our days together.
i just dont know what to do. i’m so hurt and i know it’s not right and no one will accept him but i have such strong feelings for him and he loves me too hejust gets so angry. please any advice.i’m just confused because usually he’s fine we are fine but these random outburst are difficult.
26th November 2020 at 11:22 am #116811
Ring the police immediately on 999 and get help for yourself. This man is extremely dangerous and could have killed you. You could also have very serious injuries that need attention. Contact your local women’s aid too. These men wear a mask where they pretend to love us but love doesn’t smash your head into a (detail removed by moderator). You can ring the national domestic abuse helpline for advice too. He’s an abuser and abuse always gets worse. Google trauma binding which is more likely what you’re feeling x
26th November 2020 at 11:25 am #116812
He chooses to behave this way. You are not responsible for his behaviour x
26th November 2020 at 1:28 pm #116818
You poor thing. You’re right, you dont deserve this. He is choosing to abuse you. It’s a horrible thing to realise and so brave of you to come here and reach out.
Great advice from KIP(as always!). He is very dangerous. Not a gentle giant but a violent man who has assaulted you and most certainly will again. Please please reach out to the police and your local womens aid. You need support. Do not confront him, if he suspects you are thinking of leaving him his behaviour will escalate.
Try not to think about about him for a moment. Look to yourself. You care deeply for him but this man is capable of killing of you. You have seen the mask drop. The contempt in his eyes at those times. That is the real him. His nice behaviour is to keep you in the relationship. It’s an act.
Love does not attack and assault and injure. I’m so sorry. This is a terrifying situation to be in. I have been there and understand.
You are so brave and this is not your fault. Think of what advice you would give a friend who told you they were in this situation. You know what to do.
Please keep posting here and reaching out,
Sending hugs xxxx
26th November 2020 at 1:42 pm #116819
i’m just feeling horrible like i really do love him i just don’t understand why he treats me like this. it’s just horrible and i’m just always thinking about how nice he can be the good times we’ve enjoyed together like. you know i just feel so gutted with it all because he wants us to try at it again and i really want to but i do feel really hurt.
i’ve not told anyone all the details of it and i’ve not reported anything and i was scared to write it on here just incase but i really need someone to talk to and the few bits i’ve told a friend and my mum they absolutely detest him so i’m just with my thoughts to myself. i’m slow to type as well because my hand is injured.
and to the lady who said about the look in his eyes its true i guess i have looked into his eyes while hurting me but when hes just okay and not upset and i look into his eyes i get a feeling of just love and we just are so content with each other and then hes so everything he should be and so am i but he just gets so angry. and i know hes been through a lot in his life but i just don’t know what happens in these moments. he doesn’t like control me or tell me what to wear, put me down etc just gets so angry. i’m just so hurt
26th November 2020 at 1:44 pm #116820
thanks for the responses from you other women
26th November 2020 at 2:19 pm #116823
I just want to give you a big hug. You dont deserve this. Please dont feel we’re pressuring you to do anything. Coming to the realisation that the man you love is deliberately abusing you is excruciatingly painful.
Baby steps. Learn about your situation. Google the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. Think about how it might apply to your situation. Reading Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” (available free online) and Pat Craven’s “living with the dominator” helped me to understand my situation.
Please reach out to your local womens aid. They wont make you do anything either or put any pressure on you. They will understand your situation and support you whether you want to stay or leave. It will be the best call you ever make.
Please keep posting here, I had to hit rock bottom before I could begin hoisting myself out of my situation. It was when I realised he always only raged at me when we were alone. No witnesses. I had thought he couldn’t control his anger, that I provoked it in him, but he could control himself just fine when there were other people around.
All in your own time.
Love and hugs xxxx
26th November 2020 at 2:30 pm #116824
He treats you this way because he enjoys hurting you. Abusers do not think the same way we do. He gets pleasure out of watching you in pain and distress and he gets a sense of power when he can reel you back in and control you again. And round and round the cycle of abuse goes. Google the cycle of abuse. And the Power and a control wheel. Google cognitive dissonance. Google trauma bonding and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Loving him won’t stop him harming you. Won’t hold him accountable and won’t stop the abuse escalating. Talk to the police and ask them if he has a history of abusing other women. You can do this using Claire’s Law. Imagine him doing these things to your friends or family. What advice would you give them? Contact your local women’s aid for support. These men are dangerous. He doesn’t love you. And never has. He loves the way he can hurt you and treat you badly. It makes him feel big. He’s a coward and very poor excuse for a man. Could it be that when he’s being affectionate that you’re just so relieved and overwhelmed that he’s not hurting you that these feelings are intensified? Abuse is abuse of the mind as well as the body x
26th November 2020 at 2:49 pm #116826
thank you so much- both of you for replying. i will google a few things. i’m just worried that i could be making this something it isn’t. he gets angry things break, he lashes out but other than that it’s okay between us.
if i’m honest i just start crying tears just appear in my eyes. i just don’t know what to think. i’m able to you know understand where others are coming from but i don’t know what it is i just feel as though a huge part of my happiness in loving him is just so wonderful to feel that these scattered situations i just want to block them out. it’s probably my fault in the first instance i should of left like i’ve been told but i thought he’s just annoyed happens to the best of us.
but how can he do all these violent things then hold his arms around me and cry and just make me feel like i can just put it aside because of how i feel about him. he says he’s never behaved like this with a girl before and that makes me think well it’s got to be something i’m doing but i don’t know what but i’ve been trying to not nag or you know moan and it just has ended up being so bad. i mean when i was pouring with blood he still didnt stop i told him i was afraid of him and he said good i should be, i was so scared and just wishing that he wouldnt get so angry.
regarding the control i kinda get that too and i guess you’re right because when we go out and stuff for dinner well before all the lockdown he was always lovely a gentleman like how he is usually so caring and thoughtful but then he just changes. he’s said before as well it’s not him when he behaves like that something takes him over and he’s been really emotional about it but i keep thinking about whats just been said to me about the mask dropping but i really don’t know, it’s so painful for me to think that he does this to me on purpose, that he doesn’t care about me after everything we’ve been through together, my loyalty towards him, all we’ve spoken about.
i’m just broken i feel broken i’m just constantly thinking and thinking and i can’t rest i don’t want to not be with him but i can’t keep getting hurt because i’m just tired of it never know when i’ll say something or he’ll just flip out and cannot be stopped
26th November 2020 at 3:08 pm #116828queenmaeveParticipant
Looptheloop, what do you mean your (detail removed by moderator) was beat? this man is very dangerous and could kill you if you stay with him. You must contact the police to protect yourself and get away from him as soon as possible. He is sadistic and does not love you if he smashes your head into a (detail removed by moderator) and puts you in the hospital!
26th November 2020 at 3:16 pm #116829
the (detail removed by moderator) beat is him basically was saying i’ve slept with a lot of guys which he knows isn’t true because i’m very reserved unless in a relationship and he is my second partner. he say’s because i am pretty i’ve probably been out with many guys and had sex and stuff and because i’ve had a lot of rough sex then i’m looser but that’s not true i don’t know where this comes from with him. i had been on top and i just wasn’t get much satisfaction and wanted to switch to missionary but he wanted me to stay on top until he’s done because he likes it then afterwards he got annoyed because i wanted to change positions and started saying all that to me
26th November 2020 at 3:19 pm #116830
i just want us to be okay with each all the time, but it seems like theres always and issue which then leaves the potential of escalation in behaviours from him. i’ve tried to speak to him and we do have really in depth chats but then it happens again and it’s like but why is this happenng after we’ve spoken and agreed to try harder
26th November 2020 at 4:42 pm #116835
It’s happening because he’s doing on purpose. You cant have a reasonable conversation with him and compromise because he has no intention of changing. He is brainwashing you into believing his behaviour is your fault and his emotions are your responsibility. They are not.
This is not your fault. You are not to blame for any of this. This is being done to you by a wolf in sheepskin clothing. A predator. Preying on your kindness and compassion. Your pity for his difficult childhood (they all have a sob story to lure you in) and your desire to fix him. To be the lovely man he can be in the good times.
Can be, not is. He pretends to be nice so you dont leave. I had amazing times with my abuser…book ended with horrible times. Your brain is trying to protect you by only remembering the good stuff. There is so much bad. So much violence.
There is no physical violence within a relationship without psychological abuse. That’s why you’re so confused and upset. He has created the confusion in your mind.
Please please do NOT try to talk to him about this. He is very dangerous. Most women are killed when trying to leave their abusive partner. Please please contact womens aid and make a safety plan.
What got me out: “I love him but I am not willing to die at his hands. Then he would go to prison and I dont want that. So I have to leave because I love him”.
I now know it was trauma bonding and not love. Love is not fear and ridicule and violence at the hands of your partner.
Please please stay safe x*x
26th November 2020 at 4:46 pm #116836
Please call the police and try to get away. I’m so worried for you x*x
26th November 2020 at 5:34 pm #116838
thank you. i’m in a safe place right now, it’s just we was thinking we could get back together. he really wants to but he said it’s my choice. he says he loves me and he doesn’t want to be without me and i don’t want to just not be with him. i’m in love with him, i can forgive him but i’m just a bit worried
26th November 2020 at 5:39 pm #116839
26th November 2020 at 5:45 pm #116840
i’ve never been able to speak about how i feel to anybody before and even if i do open up a little bit it’s mostly ‘oh just leave or stop complaining’ kind of response and you know i’m just so confused because the way i feel about him is unreal and i just don’t want to leave someone i love so dearly knowing in my heart how much i love and care about them. i understand he has his faults but you know so do i. he’s said before that it’s not just down to him and that it takes both of us and maybe we could work on that together and make it better next time round. but a small part of me is really starting to question this from speaking to other women with similar experiences. but i know in my heart i just feel something so special for him and the thought of us seperating for good i just can’t imagine. i’ll always care for him, think about him
26th November 2020 at 6:12 pm #116842CamelParticipant
Hopefully the link will work. If not, read the thread ‘is it abuse if I love him’
Please trust what everyone is telling you. You are in a dangerous situation. Anger (or any other emotion) is NEVER an excuse for abuse. He isn’t a lovely man who sometimes loses control. He’s a violent abuser who sometimes chooses to control it.
Don’t turn to friends to back you up as they don’t understand the extent of this. Don’t try to talk things through with your partner. If you can, contact WA and speak to a professional. Ideally, leave.
26th November 2020 at 7:11 pm #116844
I’m so relieved you’re somewhere safe @looptheloop. Being apart from him will be incredibly difficult at first. He will tell you anything to get you back and knows exactly what buttons to press. You are his project.
When pleading and I love you’s dont work he will turn to blackmail and threats. You need support from people that understand. Contact womens aid and keep posting here.
Keep reading the threads here and learning about your situation. Baby steps. Stay away from him and reduce(ideally cut) contact with him if you can. He will use any and all contact with you to manipulate you. You are entitled to space and time. A man who actually loved you would allow you that. He wants to maintain contact so he can keep you under his spell.
One day at a time. You have had the strength to endure his abuse, you have the strength to carry on now. A beautiful life, free from abuse awaits you but the journey is a difficult one. You’ve taken the first step. You should be so proud of yourself. X*x
26th November 2020 at 7:20 pm #116845
We all here understand it’s not as easy as “just leave him” so theres no judgement. Leaving my abuser was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was also the best.
You dont deserve this. No one is perfect but nothing you may have said or done deserved you being battered and smashed into a (detail removed by moderator) or denigrated while having sex with him. Nothing.
His fault. His abusive behaviour. His rage. His violence. Not yours.
You deserve so much better
26th November 2020 at 7:34 pm #116848
One last thing, you say you’re worried about getting back with him. You should be. Trust your gut. If you think he was bad before it’s nothing to what he will do to you for you having had the audacity to stand up to him by leaving.
He will put you back in your place and it wont be pretty. Stay away. It gets easier the longer you are away. And it’s safe. You deserve to be safe and you’re not safe with him.
26th November 2020 at 8:38 pm #116853
Hey loop the loop i hope you are still in a safe place x you are not safe with him he is not a gentle giant he pretends he is. In fact he is a nasty dangerous abuser. He won’t change and I know that is painful and it’s easier for your brain to protect you and blame yourself but as an outsider who has walked your shoes he is dangerous lovely – services will help you. Police. Women’s aid. GP. Please tell someone and don’t tell him anything – you will be classified as high risk they will get you an IDVA they will help you. It may seem impossible but you need support to leave. I know how it feels it’s scary and confusing but you can do this – reach out safety first x*x
26th November 2020 at 9:37 pm #116858
i’m scared, i can’t tell anyone. i don’t want any trouble for him or anything like that. i’m ashamed i’m feeling horrible
26th November 2020 at 9:46 pm #116859
I know you are scared but it’s because you are not safe xx there is life the other side – please take support and take care.xx
26th November 2020 at 10:21 pm #116861
i’m not sure how to speak to womens aid. i’ve got to try and find somewhere to live long term as i cant work for a while because of my injury i cannot even put my hair up without help. i’ve got so much all going on i can’t do it only 2 people know whats happened and i begged them not to report it anywhere
26th November 2020 at 10:22 pm #116862
i really appricate all of the responses. you women are just so kind to speak about what you’ve experienced
26th November 2020 at 10:51 pm #116866CamelParticipant
We’re all worried for you. I understand that you feel ashamed and that you don’t want to cause trouble for him. I know you won’t believe us when we tell you that the shame is his, not yours. That he’s brought trouble on himself by assaulting you.
Please contact WA. They will listen and help you decide what’s best for you.
27th November 2020 at 9:04 am #116887LisaMain Moderator
I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing this morning? Do you need any medical attention for your injuries?
I’m really glad to hear that you’re somewhere safe and reaching out for support on here; it takes a lot of strength and courage to start talking about what you’re going through.
The women on here are right; this is domestic abuse and you don’t deserve to be going through this. No one deserves to be treated how you are being treated. There is no excuse and no justification for his behaviour.
Only you can decide what to do next, but you will have options if and when you are ready to start taking those practical steps. You mentioned trying to find somewhere to live; have you considered refuge? A refuge is a safe house for women who are fleeing domestic abuse. Refuges locations are confidential so he wouldn’t know where you were. You’d have a support worker in the refuge who would help you with anything practical you need such as looking for accommodation long term. You can find out more about refuge here.
Women’s Aid support workers can search for current refuge vacancies via the Live Chat. They can also discuss any other options you might have if you don’t think refuge is the right option for you or even if you’re not quite ready to take those next practical steps. It’s a confidential service and no one will pressure you into doing anything you don’t feel ready for.
You can also find the contact details for your local domestic abuse service here. They may be able to give you a support worker, help with housing, legal advice if you need, and many have access to further emotional support such as counselling or support groups.
Please do keep posting to let us know you’re ok and feel free to private message me if you need,
27th November 2020 at 1:38 pm #116907
Thank you for replying. I’ve got medical attention just trying to heal up will take a while but will get there, it’s very painful and disabling but once it’s better then you know will be back to normal.
I’m feeling worried to talk about it with anyone because I don’t want to cause any problems with him or anything like that. I’ve been staying somewhere am I can stay here for abit to keep me safe.
but I will speak to someone and try to speak to a counsellor, I just don’t trust anybody really. I can’t believe what is going on right now. I love him so much and I last thing I want is for any problems because of me for him. I’ll be okay soon once I’m all healed up. I know he didn’t mean any of this and he gets really angry and like he said I knew he was short tempered and stuff so i can’t put this all on him. I’m not always the easiest person either and i have to keep that in mind as well.
Thank you to all the replies i will keep speaking here. it’s been really nice to have somewhere to speak about how i’m feeling and share small bits of whats been happening. hearing from other women makes you feel less alone and like no one understands it’s really something nice to look forward to instead of crying all the time thinking about how terrible life is and how pointless it all is really. you try to be happy and do the right things and you’re treated so nastily and mean eventhough you give all you can.
anyway i don’t want to keep going on and on probably just repeating myself anyway.
27th November 2020 at 2:27 pm #116908
Please keeping talking to us. You need this support and are worthy of every bit of it.
Try to reach out to womens aid via the webchat, I found that an easier step than phoning. You need all the support you can get and they wont make you do anything.
It’s totally normal to not want to make trouble for him and be worried about reaching out. I have still not reported my abuser to the police or told anyone where I used to live about it. But I am safe and healing and making a new life for myself. All in good time. When I am strong enough I will speak my truth. Or not. Saving myself is victory enough.
He can help it. He is an adult and is responsible for his actions. You are not responsible for his actions. You feel you are because he has been brainwashing you for years. You are somewhere safe so take this time to educate yourself. Google the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. Google the signs of emotional and psychological abuse. Reading Lundy Bancroft’s “why does he do that”(available free on line) and “living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven will help you to understand what’s happening to you.
You are not alone. We are multitudes sadly. But knowledge is power. Take your power back.
Paedophiles and murderers dont get battered for their crimes, what possible “crimes” could you have committed to deserve the punishment meted out to you? Being “not the easiest to live with” hardly seems sufficient? You dont deserve this treatment. It is inhumane.
Take care, sending you love and light xxxx
5th January 2021 at 6:28 pm #119176
hello, I’d just like say thank you to everyone. I’ve been struggling over the past month just coming to terms with everything that has been going on. fo me right now I’m constantly thinking about how I feel about him still, the care I have for him but trying to understand what has been going on.
in terms of my injury I am unable to work and my hand is still out of use. to be honest there’s a very strong possibility that I would not be able to use it properly again. I’ve been trying not to focus on that aspect and trying to stay positive but it’s difficult. I’m very low, unable to eat as I just have no appetite, in a pain of pain from the injury and not motivated to actually do anything and its a horrible cycle. I would like to thank everyone again for their responses. I just feel like I can’t keep going like this. financially I have no idea what im going to do especially if I cannot continue with my career, I cannot stay where I am much longer and there’s no one that can help me. my whole life has fizzled out and its just becoming nothing. I don’t know what I’ll do if my hand remains the same for much longer, but its not looking good right now. I keep thinking im just going to end up being disabled unable to write, hold things, do my hair nothing really. but I guess this is all my fault I should have seen what was going on but I couldn’t and now its all over. my life feel pretty over if im honest.
5th January 2021 at 6:39 pm #119178
I’ve just reread my post and it does sound very like everyone potty me but it’s not what I’m here for I guess its a space for me to just say how I truly feel without a judgement or someone saying I shouldn’t think this or that and it’s nice to just say how I feel as there’s not been anyone I can really talk to about how I’m feeling. its so difficult to explain. I have panic attacks regularly still which is new to me and actually really frightening but have to keep strong and just keep going. I feel like I’m just walking through an empty space and nothing is around me and the atmosphere is just gloomy and poorly lit and im going through unnoticed and not disturbing anyone its so strange I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know if anyone can suggest something I could read again I would appreciate that a lot.
5th January 2021 at 8:55 pm #119192gettingtiredParticipant
I’m so very sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
‘I guess this is all my fault I should have seen what was going on but I couldn’t and now its all over’. Actually none of it is your fault although I know how easy it is to feel like it is. All you ever wanted was a loving, normal relationship like all the other ladies on here, myself included.
I’ve not read these books but I’ve heard ‘Healing from hidden abuse’ is great, also ‘The body keeps the score’, sorry I’m not sure of the authors off the top of my head. There’s a book list on this forum. I also have been recommended Dr Ramani’s youtube videos to listen to and I find them helpful. I will try and tag you in the book list xz
6th January 2021 at 11:15 am #119223
@gettingtired thank you for those suggestions I have watched a couple of the YouTube vids. it helps to just try to understand it’s a good channel. what’s weird is I still feel like I can’t believe this but yeah difficult to explain but thank you helped me last night as I couldn’t sleep and just kept thinking and thinking and getting upset
6th January 2021 at 6:27 pm #119255EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Please also tell your doctors if you haven’t done so. You have sustained significant physical and mental trauma. Praying for your safety!
7th January 2021 at 5:32 pm #119336
hello, I’ve not gone into any details about it with the doctors. I haven’t been able to speak to them. I’m having to buy over the counter pain killers because I’m waiting for the doctors. I think they’re under a lot of pressure. But I will let them know. thank you. I was thinking about reaching out to a service just for someone to speak to mainly. I’ve been thinking about it but it’s so frightening because I feel afraid to say too much to other people incase they get him in any trouble or anything. I don’t want that to happen. But I’m unable to work, this is now (detail removed by moderator) I’ve been like this and I can’t live if I can’t work and support myself. I don’t know if im able to sign on or anything like that as I’ve never done that before.
7th January 2021 at 6:06 pm #119340
Hi loop the loop – you are describing physical trauma which needs treating and emotional trauma and I’m not surprised! Talk to your GP – you don’t have to say what happened you can say you don’t want to explain what’s happened if you don’t feel ready yet. That’s ok – they will ask because it’s their job but you can say you don’t want to talk about it. The most important thing is to get medical attention really soon. You’ve come so far – remember how brave you are ! This early recovery is so so difficult but with time the right support and your bravery it does get better. Hope you call your GP tomorrow x
7th January 2021 at 8:42 pm #119355[email protected]Participant
Oh darling this is really hard I’m so sorry xx I had no idea what was going on when I was in an abusive relationship I was pretty young. Now that I’m out and I’ve read a lot about DV o feel this is what’s been happening to you. You have been conditioned by him it’s abit like grooming. The use a powerful tool it’s called push and pull so super sweet (what we dream of) and the pull away treat us mean pull away really liked you described. This is powerful and it’s affected the way your perceive him. You could look some of this up and it all might seem clearer as it’s very easy for me to rhyme this off. I was there once and just couldn’t get my head round it. I’d do anything to protect him but in the end he nearly destroyed me. Call women’s aid and go into refuge it’s the safest option. Nothing will happen to him and you’ll be safe if this is what u want right now. You will be tempted to go back I did countless times which I regret because it is dangerous I can’t emphasise this enough to you 🥰 give them a call it’s the first step xx Google trauma bonding because this is what your feeling all of us have had the same unhealthy bond. It’s very very common xx you’ll be ok but the main thing is that you get help you can’t do this alone xx we’re here xx 😘 take care diymum
13th January 2021 at 8:48 am #119657
really thank you both of you. I had called a domestic service and I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle speaking about it. just started crying really badly and just couldn’t speak I couldn’t do it. this is unreal to me, I just don’t know. I get so upset, just uncontrollably upset. I’ve considered going back to him I know its all messed up but I do have feelings for him, feelings I can’t just erase. but I’m really trying to fight it keep it out my head. I just don’t know. I’ve read all the replies on here and I do have some understanding of what’s been going on, but maybe I just can’t believe it really, maybe because of all these conflicting feelings. I can’t keep saying the same thing I’m just in a constant battle within myself but it’s okay. I try to remind myself how lucky I am to be here and not buried somewhere and that even though I feel how I feel its not a good idea. a close friend of mine said ‘I know you still love him, well love him from a distance’ and for some reason that’s really stuck with me, because I guess it soothes my mind ever so slightly but keeps me safe from being hurt when he’s angry. I’m just thinking once my hand is better and I can go back to working and just some normality it all might feel slightly different.
13th January 2021 at 9:35 am #119660
Google trauma bonding. It’s much more likely to be that than love x
13th January 2021 at 11:15 am #119666HettyParticipant
Just wanted to offer you some support. The confusion you talk about is all so normal. You must educate yourself as much as you can so you can recognise the complexities of the situation. I’ve been doing this a lot. I’ve watched a YouTube video by Ross Rosenberg about the 12 steps of getting out. He talks about narc abuse and I know we don’t use that term but nevertheless the material is inter testing in terms of how our ex’s try to hook us back in. I’ve been out a short while and still found myself thinking maybe he can change, maybe we can have some sort of relationship but not live together. Crazy now I’m writing this but it’s like we go through some sort of bargaining to hold onto these men because of the trauma bonding. I still too have moments when I think it wasn’t that bad. I wrote a very long list in literally two minutes of all the horrible things he’s done that came to mind and then remembered it was that bad. All the times I’d not want to go home, feel unsettled and upset, walking on egg shells.
It’s so hard too with the lockdown situation. You mentioned about having a bit of normality back. I think that would be a good thing. We have to try and get these men out of our heads as much as possible. Xx
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