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Hi, please can I ask if anyone can give me their thoughts or experiences when their partner starts making plans when they have no idea you plan to leave them? (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve had plans for a trip to (detail removed by Moderator) next (detail removed by Moderator) and can we get a dog ((detail removed by Moderator) He’d been drinking). I don’t know what to say or how to react. I feel cruel and devious and really mean. He says him and our son keep talking about getting a dog, which I’m not sure I believe btw. I’m just struggling internally because I say yeah that would be good, when I’m planning to leave.
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These men can sense when we are withdrawing. Just like you know his moods, he knows yours. So now he will try to hook you into the relationship even further. Holidays, pets, another baby, a big purchase like a house, huge debt. Please don’t feel guilty. This is a test and he’s bringing your child into it to add to the emotional side. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s devious and controlling and this is just part of it. Keep saying no And his mask will slip and you will see the real nasty controlling person show up again. Just keep working on your exit plan. Mr Nasty is still there and waiting to destroy you and your future if you allow him to x
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Feeling cruel and devious and really mean is how he’s programmed you to feel when you put your own feelings first. Abusers use a FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s how you’ve been trapped. Also we are good people and we trust and don’t like to be devious but under these circumstances you really have no choice. It’s not devious it’s safety and survival. Never underestimate him. He will leave you with nothing if he can so get all your ducks in a row. He has no empathy and there’s no bond there so he will go from Jeckyl to Hyde in an instant. Using your child for emotional leverage just shows the lengths he will go to in the future so protect yourself x
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Another thing I learned is that abusers bombard us with responsibilities to keep us exhausted. House work, child care, our own work etc etc. I had to do everything including booking cars for services, shopping, child care, sort out work men, book holidays, take care of the household accounts, gardening etc etc. No wonder I was too exhausted to have time to understand I was being abused. Then they’re critical of everything to keep us on edge. Always trying harder but it’s never enough. Then there’s the small bouts of Love bombing and helping out. Which is really what he should be doing in the first place. Then we feel grateful and think he’s great because he changed a nappy or picked up the shopping 🙄 and round and round we go x
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Oh mh word, Kip this piece you have written above about being bombarded with responsibilities…I hadn’t thought of this but it is exactly my world. He then has had the audacity to suddenly say he needs to blitz the kitchen as its so dirty or that i don’t really do anything around the house and suddenly ( for a day) becomes domestic. It always triggers me as i get defensive, it has been happening for years, and then he has got me as I bite to stand up for myself.
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Thanks KIP. I’ve read your replies 3 or 4 times and I’m just thinking yes that’s true to so many points. Things that I know to be true but then think surely not? I definitely feel trapped. I am absolutely exhausted working full time and doing everything in the house and garden, the mental load is heavy too. It’s either I get nothing, or its absolutely full on to the point it’s unbearable. Yes, he also did a small chore last night. It’s true that the worst comes when I appear to be happy and content. When I’m withdrawn he is so over the top. This all makes sense to me now. Yes, empathy is missing. I’ve noticed he doesn’t appear to have that for anyone or any situation? It’s all so confusing, I don’t know where I am from one day to the next. It’s never just simple or easy. I don’t expect happinesses to be handed to me on a plate but just a bit of consistency with actions rather than empty words. Thank you again for helping me to see things a bit clearer. I do still worry it’s all in my head and I’m over thinking things. But my gut feelings are very strong. I hope you have a nice weekend 😊 x
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Ask yourself if you have this kind of exhaustion and confusion in other parts of your life? It’s not you. It’s him. Have a good weekend too x be very kind to yourself x
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That statement says it all x best wishes x x x imagine having all that goodness in your life to enjoy fully without a nasty n**********c abuser trying to drag you down x I’m living that life now. I’m rebuilding relationships and spending time with those that truly love me x it’s wonderful x
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