he's money

[betterdays]

To booze 5 times a week but couldn’t donate anything to clothes to his son total looser x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

My husband ”buys” the kids, but tells one of them that ”we’ll see about you going to uni cos there’s no money for that”…I am now financially controlled because I have access to no money apart from what I earn, very little.

Give up a career, have children, raise them, do what you can to find some suitable work when the final child starts school (which means I still have to work around them…so the jobs are limited) and I find him in the long run top of the chart in his profession and me right down under.

I get questioned on things (can’t say what, too obvious), I get criticised I do nothing but how do I shop with no money, therefore how do I make a meal without having to rely on what he has bought? My daughters have been told they have to get their own sanitary items with their own money, so why does he buy the razor blades for the boys?

He buys alcohol, I get one glass, he finishes every bottle. I get criticised in front of my kids for buying wine, which lasts me all week to cook and dine with, he questions with his tone if I am an alcoholic and his indirect comments are hidden accusations of me relying on booze while he is away, I don’t!

The list goes on. It is like he projects what I know about him onto me. Money is not the only issue. We have other things to deal with like chronic illness at home with some of my children. But that’s another matter. Projection, projection, projection…

I prefer to be silent with him. He loves that. He feels important thanks to his job, while he tells me to have fun when I go to work. It is derogatory, it makes it sound like my job is useless to society, yet it isn’t, far from it, the children hear his remarks and say nothing, it all adds up to knowing I am a useless person, a waste as a mother, I can’t possibly have a decent job, some of the kids laugh at me sometimes…it hurts.

You are right, a total looser…

[Whathaveidone]

I don’t have any children yet but what your husband does to you, my partner does to me aswell. When you say “It is like he projects what I know about him onto me” – I definitely relate to that. He prevented me from going to uni (something I have always wanted to do for very personal reasons) or doing any type of qualification or even work while he braggs about the number of qualifications he has and the money he has earnt / has the potential to earn.

I can’t buy anything he doesn’t like, I can’t even cook what I want because he insists on cooking everything just to control what I eat, when I eat and even how I eat. He makes me feel like I’m greedy for eating let’s say a banana if I’m hungry yet it’s all right for him to pig out on anything and everything. He won’t let me go shopping on my own, he has to buy everything.

I also don’t like to say anything. Anything I do say is criticised. His justification is that he is “critiquing” not criticising which is good for self development and improving ourselves (myself) for the better. It’s funny that if the tables were turned and I mention one negative thing about him he doesn’t apply his same justifiction but instead goes off on one. No. Criticsing is only for me not him.

[Suntree]

I struggle emotionally a lot when it comes to money even now I am out of the relationship.
It comes back to the abuse when I was with him to the ongoing with holding of money for the kids and him knowing how to play the system.
I now try to provide everything I need to for them and look at anything he is forced to pay from the monies already owed as a bonus.

However the emotional scars run deep and are still very raw and sore.
This is stopping me having the courage to fund raise for the treatment that I can no-longer afford to pay for of my own back because I can’t cope emotionally.
It causes me panic if I have to borrow from anyone.
It causes me huge panic if a bill is due even if I have saved for it because I am scared for the one I haven’t yet managed to save for.
I struggle when I hear people are going to payout to support another “friend or family or stranger” but feel that we don’t need that support.
It sucks because I know those others need that support as well.
Or when I am told my nearest and dearest who has no responsibility for me or mine at all has got a really good price on a new toy or thing.
I feel c**p that I can’t join in with their joy and that I actually rain on their parade and it has nothing to do with them. It is all to do with my struggles and the triggers from the abuse I have yet to learn how to manage. (hate it, it stinks)
When people tell me it is the kids father who should be helping with the bills and I should be making him pay towards half of the costs for the kids therapy. All it does through no fault of theirs is amplify that it is me how alone I truly am and how I am responsible and have to find everything for mine and I am failing miserably, that my best isn’t enough 🙁
Well meaning words but that just somehow makes it my fault for failing to get him to live up to his responsibilities. Victim blaming.

I struggle when going out and we have to split the bill and there is someone who has no money worries so has the steak etc. I panic because I can’t budget or that the amount will come to more than I can realistically afford. The one way I can get out of paying the bar bill is say I am not drinking even though I would love one.
I don’t go out now anymore, because I can’t afford to. So that problem has gone, but it means I am even more isolated than I was.

I struggle really hard panicking that once again I am going to be that person that pays the bills while others take advantage. This is not the first relationship I left where suddenly they are unable to pay their share but could afford other things.

I have let go of is the ex is living to his financial responsibilities and living it up and the hurt that he will always have a way to have far more money than I ever will. I would rather have none of his money if that meant peace of mind for my kids.

What I am struggling with is the after math of what is left behind. I hope that soon I will get there because I can’t go on having it eating me up as the bills get larger and they are getting larger.
I just want to be able to be happy for someone who I care for enjoying spending their money on the things they love.
I want to be able not to feel alone and failing because I can’t provide everything for my kids, but be able to pat myself on the back for what I have been able to provide.
I want o find the courage to be able to fund raise.
I want to be able to look at my finances and not descend into a spiraling mess like I used to before I met my abusers.

I don’t want to be damaged anymore.

Sorry that was the first time I have managed to get that out and make sense.

[Eve1]

Hi Suntree,

I can identify. I’ve been on a rollercoaster financially since I left a few years ago. Struggling at first, no washing machine or car because he wouldn’t let me have joint money to get them fixed. Then huge relief and freedom, but still, ridiculously, guilt when the house was sold and I had my share. It was a fantastic time really, we went on holiday abroad (never before done detail removed by moderatorv) and I bought expensive orange juice! I curse myself a but now though, as i couldn’t look out plan ahead. Further on down the line, struggling again now soon has gone to uni and I look for a job and do my best for daughter.

So we’ve had both. I’m being strict with myself money wise now, because I want to, not him. But I’m afraid of sending up like him, begrudging every penny spent.

You sound like you’re doing a great job, actually. Hope it talking helped to write on here.
Eve
x

[Suntree]

Eve

Thank you. It really helped to be able to stop the panic and see why I panic.
I have always been brought up bills first, extras after.
Making a list of what do I need and what do I want. The want list is so much bigger than the need list.
Unfortunately the need list is getting more expensive and my income is not keeping up.
But I also think that we need to live and that some things are as important to feed the soul as it is to feed the body.
I have cut back on all my feeding the soul and I’m thinking right now that isn’t money well saved.
the one thing I do do and it has helped is a direct debit out of my main account each month into a savings account which is really hard to access.
You will be surprised how you can managed day to day without that money and how a little can build up. It has helped me with the emergency bill and when things were ticking along nicely it used to be the holiday money, before him.
Holidays now are the simple things in life and back to very basics. using the magic of childhood, creating memories of discovery and doing things together that don’t require money or much money at all.

[Author]

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