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After (detail removed by moderator) of trying to separate my (detail removed by moderator) ex, he has finally moved to his flat 5min walk from mine which we wanted to allow kids to see both parents easily. He still hasn’t signed financial settlement so divorce still going and he isnt public about us no longer being a couple (detail removed by moderator).
He now comes around to mine freely after work, sometimes call before to ask, but not like I could say no, as it’d still trigger him… I’ve been trying to keep things calm so have been putting up with him arriving asking for food, and helping him when he needs something for flat etc., but he is making any coparenting plans very difficult. My kids are (detail removed by moderator) and having been through it all, us living under same roof at height of stress and abuse for over one year, they enjoy the quiet of my house now and make little effort to go to his. He, on the other end, says don’t want with him anyone who doesn’t want to be there or will annoy him. I’ve been insisting with kids and him, not only because I think it’s important for them and I don’t want him to say I alienated the kids, but also because sometimes I may have plans or business trip. He doesn’t share his rota so I never know when he is avaliable for anything for the kids, but I need to keep telling him everything that’s going on, where we are or he gets upset and angry. (detail removed by moderator).
He also still asks me where I’ve been on my own, with whom, when he does and goes wherever he wants and does not commit to any schedule.
I pay for everything from kids and tbh they are old enough to be on their own when I have something, but I know he must be sad to be alone, just won’t try to approach kids inviting for dinner or a sleepover with film or taking them out to do something fun without me to organise!
They have stayed at his a couple days but were upset he took ages to make dinner, feel they are made to do things for him and its just boring as he stays on his phone or argues for little things.
Today I asked again and he told me to stop insisting, that I wanted to separate the family, I did this, and now apparently I’m regretting it (most definitely not!) and that he just doesn’t want any headache. I created this situation, so whatever. When I said kids were seeing dad didnt want them, he said they were seeing me wanting to get rid of them…
In the end of the day I suspect he is doing this to avoid me meeting/going out with someone else, and so he can try meet someone and bring to his place without having to share details, just enjoys keeping me in the dark and doesn’t want any extra responsibility.
I don’t mind and would love to be a single mum but then would rather have hjm totally gone from our lives, but he wants to keep the control obviously…
Any tips on what I should do?
Do I keep insisting? -
This sounds like such a difficult situation, my heart really goes out to you….. he indeed sounds like he is trying to control you in so many ways. I think its basically impossible to coparent with men like this, have you looked up parallel parenting? Do you feel you could try to set clearer, firmer boundaries with him? He, like most abusers, is just thinking of himself and ignoring your boundaries, he will keep trying to take advantage. Also I don’t think you should have to facilitate a relationship with him and the kids, that’s his responsibility and it’s not fair that he’s putting that on you? Do you have any support from your local women’s aid? Sending strength and huge congratulations for leaving xx
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Hi Eyeswideopen
It sounds like you all had a lovely time with him being away. It now sounds like you and the children are straight back under the abuse as soon as he comes out.
He is living with you in all ways except sleeping at his place just five minutes away.
Its not in the best interests of the children to have their father around if they don’t want that, and its up to us to support their feelings at this point of expressing them and not force them to see their father, as you say, they are old enough, and he’s making zero effort from what you’ve said, and he’s also stated that he doesn’t want them around if they don’t want to be there, so they shouldn’t go is what seems the obvious solution to me?
You are not involved in ‘alienating’, when they say they do not want to see their parent, and when there is abuse in evidence, then you have no reason to do anything but protect them from the abuse.
Your home needs boundaries around it. You are no longer together, and so its weird that he would turn up at your place uninvited, or unannounced. Once maybe, but no, when a couple are separated then the home is not their home any longer. You and your children need safety from intrusions, especially from someone who has such rage. You now have no reason for that rage to be anywhere near yours and your children’s home. The rage is not your responsibility, but his alone, and if he can’t deal with himself and brings it to you, then you contact the police to deal with it.
You could maybe send a message to him to state, that any meetings can take place outside of your respective homes, if the children are wanting that, but that they are not to take place in or around your home anymore because its no longer appropriate, since you are separated.
If he brings his anger to your door, call the police. This is no longer your problem and you are still living in fear, and if you are, the children will be. Does he have a key? If so, change the locks.
I hope you can find this way through to having some peace in your life.
warmest wishes
ts
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I also wanted to specifically highlight this bit, that despite the children not wanting to see him and him saying he doesn’t want anyone around that doesn’t want to be there which would ‘annoy’ him!…
I’ve been insisting with kids and him, not only because I think it’s important for them and I don’t want him to say I alienated the kids, but also because sometimes I may have plans or business trip.
…the reasons you give I would question ‘why’ you think its important for them? Also that fear of them saying you alienated them, is not true, because its not what you are doing, and because its sometimes inconvenient for you?
I understand your fear of being accused of parental alienation, its very real, but if you are not calling him names, calling him an abuser, coaching them against him, or making it difficult to see him, then you are not actively alienating them against him.
He’s threatened you that he might be ‘annoyed’ by them, which is reason to steer clear if the children are feeling negatively towards him.
It does sound like you need some other form of reliance upon childcare in your absence and that you need to actively seek out an alternative so that he is not your fall back for that, especially when he’s said he doesn’t want that.
You have a lot still going on, and its very hard for you to unpick it. Have you been to a Freedom Programme, as that can be helpful in realising the connections that are still active, and increasing your awareness of his tactics/threats, and how to build boundaries around yourself and the children just generally.
I do hope that you can start to unpick some of this as it sounds incredibly intense for you with you taking on the burden of some of the responsibility for him, which is not yours.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you so much this is really helpful.
I guess I worry he may be planning something or getting worse if I’m not somehow checking in on him, maybe through kids now.
I need to bring him divorce papers again to finalise but keep hoping he will bring it up as he said he would once he was finally moved and settled…
I worry he will blame kids for lack of contact, but he doesn’t message them to checkin on them… He is surely waiting for us to make a move.
But I know I need to let go of all this and start setting boundaries.
Of course there is a side of me that hoped we could share the childcare load so, like him, I could also have some alone time to rebuild my individual life, but it’s not a big issue. My kids allow me to do my own things without judgement and support me, and I am used to doing 99% of things anyway throughout the time we were together.
I guess knowing he is alone, no fam or friends in this country, has no one to talk sense to him, makes me sad and worried for his mental health declining further. He has shut his mum down and won’t open up with anyone, stopped therapy etc. I know it’s not my responsibility but it will most surely impact me down the line so it’s hard to let go.
I will stop chasing and asking and pressuring kids to reach out to him and see what happens.
I should bring him papers again soon and if he resists signing, I’ll finish the divorce and hand the financial settlement to lawyers to sort with him as can’t have him holding myself hostage to that.
Thank you so much again for your replies ❤️ -
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Quick update. (detail removed by Moderator) I went out with friends and my youngest had to stay on his own as dad said would work late so couldnt take him
When I got home son said dad came around asking if he wanted to go to his, but son was entertained on video game and said no. He left, and when I got home my immediate reaction was to be annoyed at son for not going when dad tried to be nice, I really get upset as worry my ex will be upset and triggered. I know this goes against what I said I’d try to do, but its so hard! Then I thought actually it was fair for son not to go, as I did ask ex first if he could have him, and he sair no, so expectations/plans couldnt be made. He thinks everyone needa to move at his immediate needs and wants, instead of sharing info upfront to plan…
I later called him for an unrelated topic, and he mentioned what happened.
I said it made me feel sad he wasnt spending time with kida and again he said he really needed to protect himself from being around people who dont want to be with him, as he dowsnt want to fall into old behaviours when he feels triggered ao his new approach is to just leave it and not engage/fight.
One of his last fights with my eldest was really bad and she said some hard truths to him, as she doesnt appease like I do, and it seems it made him think he doesn’t want to get to that level of escalation anymore. He said knows I may think his behaviour is being petty or overdramatic, but he said it was his attempt to a new approach as not living in same house anymore doesnt want to bring that sort of bad vibe to his new house (incredible how he thinks we created that, not his abuse that made everyone resent him…)
I thanked him for explaining his strategy, though thats still him just thinking about himself and what he needs, and wanting me to deal with all alone. I asked him to then explain that to kids, that he loves them and would enjoy spending more time with them without arguments, instead of just shutting down…
Anyway I guess at least there was a talk and I can shift my conversation with kids and try respect their choices but also explain what dad is trying to do…
Its up to them id they’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
He’s been horrible but does love the kids and helped me raise smart and kind children (somehow!). We also know each ofher too well so when we are not fighting, conversations can be enjoyable and fun, so I long for him to build something more positive with kids…
Not sure I’m making much sense! -
I hear what you are hoping for, that your children can have some form of a healthy relationship with their father… I also hoped for this, I expected my husband and I to co parent… until I learnt that it was an impossible act with an abusive father… as they continue their abuse through their children.
It sounds like your children are happier without their dad and that they have a good measure of his control/moods etc.. do they ask to spend time with him? Do they want to? My children didn’t want to see their dad in the end… he is an absent father now and has moved on…
Him coming to your home to do X,Y,Z is him exerting his control into your home. You are separated, you decide who comes into your home, he doesn’t have an automatic pass as you are separated because he is abusive.
” i asked him to then explain that to kids, that he loves them and would enjoy spending more time with them without arguments”
Did he say that he wanted to spend more time with his children?
Your children are teenagers? It is their decision if they don’t want to spend time with their dad. My 2 are teens, I am at the legal stage, neither of my 2 want contact with their dad and by Law they do not have to as they are old enough to make their own decisions.
Putting in boundaries can feel overwhelming and scary… when I first separated my husband came back to eat, shower etc… he was keeping some control by coming in our home when he didn’t need to. The Freedom Programme and the follow up course helped me to understand. Have you done any courses to help?
Big hugs ❤️
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Hi thank you @hereforhelp
He hasnt said it clearly.
Yes I’m coming to terms with fact there will not be coparenting.
(detail removed by Moderator) he was meant to have kids and have lunch, so I went out.
Kids waited for him bug he never picked them up, told them to walk to his.
(detail removed by Moderator) he calls me annoyed asking where I was as needed help fix something at his, and wouldn’t take kids to eat until that was sorted so needed my help now, and kids weren’t helping nor going to his for lunch.
I left what I was doing because worried for kids and he ruined it for me, I couldn’t enjoy time with friend anymore. When I arrived at (detail removed by Moderator) still no “lunch” so I went to buy and help him out so he was “happy” and didnt make a scene over me going out (he was accusing me of leaving them alone, when they were meant to be with him! Wanting details of where I was etc)
It’s impossible…
I feel so tired and hopeless.
I guess we keep thinking if only I am super nice he will be less nasty to me but it wont happen. He’ll just keep trying to control and I’m so terrified of conflict from all that have been through that I find it so hard to give straight answers… i give in.
I just need to find courage to push the end of divorce and cut him off my life somehow really.
My kids dont make an effort to spend time with him because unless I suggest something he does nothing, everyone on their phones, he’s just lazy…
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