19th February 2021 at 10:50 pm #122005
I can’t say too much as details will get removed but a third party is buying a property for him and things are starting to move forward with it.
It’s happened quickly and has totally freaked me out. I know I shouldn’t move with him but I’m not ready to leave.
He has a history of threatening to throw me out, long story short my name wasn’t on our last tenancy so that was always used against me. With this property it will all be in his name/terms.
What I don’t understand is he clearly knows to some extent that I’m not keen on the move and even said when he was in a mood with me that he knows I don’t want to move there. I denied it and changed the subject then not long after he’s back in his happy, clappy mood doing his thing. Why is he not concerned that I’m clearly anxious about the idea? If it was the other way round I’d be really worried as to why my partner didn’t seem sure about moving with me and would want to sort things out.
Also, he hates where we live now and has blamed it for a lot of his problems before. He’s also blamed me in the past a few times for partly why we still live here. A tiny part of me is thinking maybe he will be better when we move as he’ll be happier where he’s living, near friends etc.
I feel so guilty at the thought of leaving. He thinks we’ll be moving together, he’s also accused me of stringing him along before so I feel really bad.He’s asked me if I’ve told family about the property that is being bought but I just can’t bare to tell them yet as I won’t be able to go along with it and I’ll then have to tell them that he’s been abusing me for years and it’s all been a lie. Then it will all become real.
I know anyone else reading this might say I have nothing to feel guilty for but I really do feel it so badly. I can’t help it. I’m so scared of having to face leaving. I know I’ll have to but I’m so scared and feel like a terrible person. I’ve known he’s abusive and that he won’t change for a while but I guess I’ve been burying my head in the sand, just plodding on in my comfort zone with him.
19th February 2021 at 11:11 pm #122006FluffycloudsParticipant
I’m sorry I probably won’t be any help cos I can’t really say anything when I’m thinking of going back. I kno how hard it is to leave so I understand if I can’t do what I suggest. All I can say is please don’t move with him. I’m scared ur end up like me. He’ll have so much control and he may end up making u completely trapped. We moved to nearer his friends. I like the area but got more trapped and cut off with him. He made threats like it partner is doing and u will end up so under his control. Maybe it’s a good chance to get away from him if u pretend to move with him. I can pack without him getting suspicious. Even wait until the moving day so be doesn’t kno til too late. I kno I probably feel u can’t do the final break. I’m still struggling so much so I kno what it’s like xx
20th February 2021 at 3:27 pm #122040
Thank you Fluffyclouds x You do help even though I know you’re struggling with going back yourself.
You’re right about it giving me a chance to pack etc. I’m just worried how I’m going to do it all. It might take up to the very day of going although I know that will leave me feeling so, so guilty.
I’m just worried he’s going to try and force me into things or putting my name on things before it happens to trap me further. Thank you for your support x*x
20th February 2021 at 7:38 am #122011HawthornParticipant
Sorry you’re struggling GT. I hope posting helped to clarify things a bit for you. He wants you to move so that you will be further isolated, in his place so he has all the power and control. It will never be your home, he will make sure to remind you it’s his at every turn. He threatens to throw you out from a place you got together, how much worse will it be in the new place when it’s his name on the title deeds?
Of course he knows you dont want to move. He just doesnt care. It may even be a motivating factor for him- abusers can only feel secure when we are insecure. He doesn’t care about your happiness or what you want, he only cares about himself.
That part of you that thinks things will be better when you move is sadly wrong. Abuse always gets worse. Think back to the beginning of your relationship- could you have imagined you would be enduring the type of abuse from him you now accept as normal? It’s going one way and it’s not good.
I know it feels real but the guilt is a result of brainwashing and conditioning. Guilt is a feeling, not proof of wrongdoing. And you have done nothing wrong, however you might be feeling. He is the abuser here, not you. It is his shame and guilt you are carrying, not your own.
There will never be a “right” time to leave. Keep posting and bringing yourself back to reality. This life is familiar, but it’s not comfortable. There is nothing comfortable about living in abuse. Sending a big hug xx
20th February 2021 at 3:25 pm #122039
Thank you Hawthorn. You’re right, I’d never have imagined back then how things would be now.
I’m a bit worried his family will be nasty as they’ll think I’ve strung him along and lied. Scared I will be left in debt. Thank you for your support x*x
20th February 2021 at 5:17 pm #122049HawthornParticipant
Try not to worry about his family, I know that’s easier said than done but if you leave you dont ever have to deal with them again. I was very close to my mother in law but blood is thicker than water and despite knowing the extent of the physical abuse her son perpetrated against me she sided with him. So I blocked her. And that was it dealt with. You have enough be worrying about, try not to create barriers that may never materialise.
He is the one who has strung you along and trapped you in an abusive relationship for years, you are not at fault for escaping that situation. Had he treated you well you would not want to leave x*x
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