- This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by
Anonymous.
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25th July 2018 at 12:00 pm #61850
iwillbeok
ParticipantHi, just a quick question. He’s requested some imformation via email (I have autoforwarded to a folder and only check it once a week). I have been so strong at no contact but still feel the pull to jump to and provide him with the information. So I will leave it for a good long while. I don’t want to get lawyer to reply as would cost money for a simple 2 line response.
Thing is, do I look unreasonable for not supplying such simple information. His email looks so reasonable. Arghh its got me so tied up in knots again! I did everything in our marriage – and I mean every little b****y thing! And now here I am again feeling like I have to jump to his orders. It has brought back so many memories/feelings of jumpiness every time I had a new email or my phone pinged!
If I reply I break no-contact and I really don’t want to give him anymore headspace than he already occupies.
Thanks,
Iwillbeok x -
25th July 2018 at 12:49 pm #61852
HopeLifeJoy
ParticipantI wouldn’t reply.
Mine tried to get me to sign some legal documents, real quick, just do it he said, it takes couple of minutes, you don’t even need a brain for it. I didn’t sign them.
Don’t reply. Even if it’s simple. He is just checking the waters. If you respond, he will ask for more and more. Until you feel dead and sick inside again. He just sucks the life out of you.
Let the lawyer do the work for you. So your ex can see that you are behind protection and not easy to get to anymore.
The peace of mind, of not getting intoxicated by his poison again, of not having to contact him directly is worth the money spent on the lawyer.
I wish you good luck in whatever you do. -
25th July 2018 at 1:28 pm #61854
iwillbeok
ParticipantThanks hon,
I think this is half the problem – on the surface and in any other rational situation this looks like a reasonable request. I need to remind myself that he was not a reasonable man (except when it suited him) and he did not behave reasonably towards me. I became so conditioned to catering to his every need that I began to feel that I was the unreasonable one if I wanted to decline (of course I never did because early on it was pointed out to me how unreasonable or selfish I was being!)
.My gut says “you don’t actually need this info, you are just fishing for a reason to contact” like you say HLJ, testing the waters, so I shall listen to her. Ignoring my gut got me in this decades long mess, listening to my gut got me free!
Thanks,
Iwillbeok x
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28th July 2018 at 7:40 am #61978
Anonymous
InactiveThis is an attempt to ‘hook’ you back in. Him being reasonable is all part of the trap. Once you reply you are giving him the much needed fuel that he requires to live. You give him the message that he is still able
to control you. He knows you are a caring forgiving person. He knows that you like to do the decent thing. He know this because you’ve shared all of this with him and he uses your truth and your character to give him what he needs. He knows you will be agonising over whether to reply or not.If you truly want to be free of him then this is what you must do. Any contact now will give him the message that you are still interested, still connected and he WILL make a hoover attempt in the future. ANY contact will set back your recovery.
It’s tough, I know, but by going no contact, for the first time, you are the one controlling you – not him – don’t give up this precious gift that you have worked so hard to achieve.
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28th July 2018 at 7:24 pm #62017
iwillbeok
ParticipantThank you baggy trousers, you are spot on. Where you write
He knows you are a caring forgiving person. He knows that you like to do the decent thing. He know this because you’ve shared all of this with him and he uses your truth and your character to give him what he needs. He knows you will be agonising over whether to reply or not.
has really struck a cord with me. While I was left reeling that I had been married to an abusive stranger, who I’ve only been able to ‘piece together’ from reading (The Dominator, Lundy Bancroft, other ladies experiences from on here) and applying it in retrospect to him; he knows all about me. All my fears, all my empathy, etc.
But what he no longer knows about me is how much stronger I am, how much more supported I am, how much more informed I am and how much more intuitive I am!
Iwillbeok x
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28th July 2018 at 7:39 pm #62020
Anonymous
InactiveGood for you!
Isn’t it good to feel that now you hold some of the control. Don’t give up they wonderful feeling. See this for what it is. Another attempt to see if you’re still worth hoovering up.
No. Contact. 🙂
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