Viewing 11 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #132863
      soconfused2
      Participant

      I am having therapy and it’s helping me realise how my relationship may be emotionally abusive. I am always walking on eggshells, I get a lot of the silent treatment, I’m always trying to make him happy, I get blamed for everything etc. It feels like I’m only loved if I never challenge him and always put his needs first.

      Because we have children I really want to make it work, so agreed to go to a couple’s counselling session. He spent a lot of the session saying that I am abusive, that the problem is my temper (I do get so frustrated sometimes that I shout at him, mainly when I have been ignored but I’ve been working hard on myself and haven’t lost my temper in months). He says that the problem is my failure to treat him with respect, that I need to understand the relationship can only continue if I treat him with respect. He kept saying how my behaviour was unacceptable and that I shouldn’t be able to get away with it just because I’m not physically abusive. He kept saying how my abuse needs to stop.

      One of our children was very ill when born and I had PND and he said that he was sympathetic at first, but it’s been years now and I have no excuse for my abuse.

      I feel completely broken tonight. I’m worried he may be right. I was awful when I had PND. I do lose my temper. I am far from perfect.

      I guess in my gut I know it’s not me, otherwise I wouldn’t be on this forum, but I could really do with some support.

    • #132864
      Stressedandalone
      Participant

      My ex was the same. I still feel like it was all me and I was to blame for him being the way he is. I was called childish all the time because I wanted to spend time with him or if I got upset because of the silent treatment. I too felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. He also accused me of cheating even though it was actually him cheating on me. I think I had some PND too and the way he was just made it worse. Now I’m free I don’t get that anxiety I used to anymore.I too used to get angry so it looked like I was the problem but it would just be a reaction to how he had behaved. They will always put the blame onto us. I’m starting to see how it was abuse but I think there is always a part of me that will believe it was my fault. I’ve just started counselling and I feel more positive already. Maybe you should try counselling on your own to get some clarity.

      • #134340
        Vikinglady
        Participant

        Hello, just reading through your post and I am going through something similar, I’m always being accused of being at fault, even when I get irrate as I can’t take anymore verbal abuse from him, they do a good job of making us feel like it’s us that’s at fault , I got out of a (detail removed by Moderator) year abusive marriage to go onto another abusive relationship and only realised how bad it is about a year ago, they make you self doubt yourself and question whether you are the abuser to the point of trying to turn your children against you but please be strong enough to get yourself out of that situation as I am working on doing it myself

    • #132867
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abuse often escalates after child birth. I falsely thought I had PND but in reality it was his gaslighting and jealousy and abusive behaviour that caused my depression. Talk to your local women’s aid x

    • #132869
      soconfused2
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies.

      I am having therapy on my own, which is good, but I worry that she is only hearing my point of view and so so isn’t getting the full picture of all I have done wrong.

    • #132870
      Eggshells
      Participant

      So, tell your therapist what it is that you think you are doing that might be abusive and let her help you to get a clearer picture. I suspect when you start digging, you’ll find you’re not abusive at all.

      It is a very common tactic of abusers to try and claim that they are the victims. Abusers would never, ever stop to examine their own behaviour and they would never consider to even question whether or not they are abusive themselves. Abusers know it’s all the other person’s fault.

      I remember asking my therapist if it was possible that I was the abuser. Her response was that the very fact that I was wondering if I could be abusive showed that I am not.

      Maybe that will answer your question too?

    • #132900
      Secretlife
      Participant

      You haven’t done anything wrong. You are a normal, healthy person being made to feel you doing wrong. A few years ago, I could have written your post. For many years I thought being given the silent treatment was all down to me saying or doing something to upset him. I tried so hard to make everything be OK, trying to please him and always putting his needs first. This eventually became exhausting. His silence treatments worsened over the years and lasted longer and longer, I found them absolute torture and like you, I would eventually explode with anger and frustration and he would then accuse me of abusing him – I wasn’t allowed to get angry. I, like you, then worked hard on myself not to get angry. I think at this point I began closing down inside. He was destroying me, and the person that I am. I realised he wasn’t accepting me for who I truly was and was trying to manipulate me into who he wanted me to be. I was losing my true self and became deeply unhappy. At this point, long story etc, but I discovered this forum, which saved my sanity. Initially it was a huge shock to learn I was in fact experiencing emotional abuse. I have since learnt so much more about this subject and it is hugely reassuring to know there is nothing wrong with me. His behaviour is abusive and he is highly unlikely to change. I am still with him, but I will leave when I feel I can. What I would like to say to you is think carefully about your future with him, the chances are he will not change. You will feel stifled by him, and the hardest thing is feeling you cannot be your true self. My mental health has suffered enormously from his years of abuse and I am emotionally quite weak thesedays. But, knowledge is power and I am coping better than I was before joining the forum. I would recommend reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, you can download this book for free. This book changed everything for me and helped me understand his behaviour. I hope I haven’t waffled too much here and I hope you find this useful xx

    • #133314
      Pink-butterfly
      Participant

      Everything you wrote sounds like my husband. I really thought it was me but I know now it’s him.

    • #133395
      Medusa
      Participant

      Hi soconfused2 et al
      I want to share something about counseling. It can be helpful but also dangerous. I have been in my own counseling and that has been good. The first attempt at couples therapy my husband and I tried was awful though. He went in with the attitude that I am the reason we’re not in a good place. We have not been intimate for some time and that is my fault (detail removed by moderator) what it does to his mental health. He said (detail removed by moderator). I have never said that but have said I worry about his health, he’s (detail removed by moderator). He said (detail removed by moderator) and I always prioritize friends work and family above him.
      I stood my ground but it was hugely exhausting. After (detail removed by moderator) sessions the therapist finally got it, I experience moments when I freeze thinking my husband is going to be angry. The therapist suggested anger management for him and trauma therapy for me. That was that….
      So with therapy you may have to be very forced to get your point across. I was shaking in our sessions and felt quite exposed. If you have couples therapy make sure to prepare what you want to talk about and don’t let the therapist just move into solution mode of ‘you just need to make more time for each other’.
      Take care xx

    • #133398
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I have the same , I’m often told I’m abusive, nasty, evil just because I do sometimes end up shouting in frustration.
      the silent treatment is becoming a weekly thing now and it is so, so exhausting! I also doubt myself continuously, when you’re constantly being told you’re the one in the wrong it’s hard not too but the truth is deep down I think we all know it isn’t us otherwise we wouldn’t be on this forum like you say .

      Eggshells I really liked your point about how abusers would never even question their behaviour or worry that they are abusive, that’s so true! These types of men are so good at manipulating and making you confused about what’s actually going on.

      Xx

    • #133400
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      This post has helped me so much this evening, I have been feel safe my like such a horrible person. I can’t bear to be near my husband, I know my children are damaged by our toxic marriage. I have also been feeling today that perhaps I’ve got it all wrong, that I’m the problem and they could all relax and feel better without my negative energy. I adore my children with all my heart and can’t bear the thought of turning their worlds upside down but desperately want to be away from their dad.
      Sending you all love and peace, thank goodness for this space xx

    • #133418
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I can’t remember where I read it but it said avoid marriage counselling with an abuser unless the counsellor is skilled in Dv. The writer said how the abuser (depending on their type) will manipulate the sessions, charm the counsellor, put the blame on the victim and often the victim comes out feeling like they’re the problem and need to change. Which sounds exactly like the experience you’ve had! If I remember where I read this I’ll add it in later

    • #134344
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      I went to therapy with my ex & it was a horribly traumatic experience. He accused me of pretty much the same exact things your partner is accusing you of. My ex is also incredibly charming & charismatic so he actually managed to convince the therapist that he’s this great guy and that I’m an unhinged crazy woman who was abusing him! I actually told the therapist I was worried that I was being abused & they didn’t believe me! I’ve done some reading on this & apparently this is a very common scenario that happens when women go to therapy with their abusive partners. For this reason, a lot of experts recommend not going to couples counseling with an abuser. The best thing I did was find my own individual therapist who helped me see the truth of my relationship & who believed me when I told them I was being abused. Unless a couples counselor has a lot of experience in working with abuse victims and identifying covert abusive behaviors, couples counseling can do more harm then good. My ex also ended up using everything I said in our therapy sessions against me- twisting my words and sharing personal things I had told our therapist with his friends & family. These men are awful.

Viewing 11 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content