1st August 2022 at 11:05 am #147858Spotty OrchidParticipant
Hi all, not sure where to start. I’ve left him so many times already over the last (detail removed by Moderator). So together on and off (detail removed by Moderator). Family and friends are “sick of hearing about it” and say “you’ll be back together soon”. I don’t want to be with him. This last (detail removed by Moderator) especially, all I’ve done is cry. I used to have fight, then it went to flight and now it’s just cry and apologise. Or I’ve found myself saying “yes your right and I’m wrong” “I’m sorry it’s my fault never yours” I feel so rude and sarcastic when I say that. We went to a public event with my youngest and his kid, all day he made me cry too much. When going for food he asked me what I wanted to do, so I said, he dismissed it and told me what we should do, then got moody about it. I sat in front of people trying to hide my tears of just pure anger and upset.
A year or so ago I’d flip out when he behaved this way and I’d stand up for myself. Then I started just walking away which made him more annoyed. Now I just cry and say sorry. This isn’t me! I’m not weak. I’ve been through more than what he gives me. I don’t get why emotional abuse is so much more dam harder than anything physical I’ve ever faced!? A (detail removed by Moderator) ago my eldest child turned around and said to me “I bet you’d rather be hit than go through this” well.. that was it! I had to end it there. If she can see it then it’s there, it’s happening. And I don’t care if no one else in the world believes me or not. If my kids can see what’s going on then I have to put an end to it. There isn’t a chance in hell I’d ever want any of my children to live like I have and be so effected emotionally, have it change them into someone they are not and never should be.
So I told him it’s over. He left me be a few days, then turned up like he does, saying (detail removed by Moderator) he stood for (detail removed by Moderator) outside my locked (detail removed by Moderator) door. I had friends on the phone listening to everything he said. One mentioned it was coercive control and another saying they had called the police to remove him, for a second I felt that it wasn’t needed because it was too drastic and I felt sorry for him. But then I didn’t, I stopped and felt relieved, I felt like I was free and that perhaps the police removing him from my home would show him it’s truly over. It kinda worked. He has stayed away (detail removed by Moderator) or so. But (detail removed by Moderator) I woke with messages from him. Sending me old photos of us, in happier times, old messages I had wrote to him, telling me I need help (detail removed by Moderator), telling me not to ruin us.
I read the long message he sent me and I replied (detail removed by Moderator). And then I blocked him. All I could see was him telling me what “I” need, not one mention of himself.
So I’m sat here a little relieved with slight upset, after all the first couple of years were great with him. And I am feeling I CAN do this. I WILL survive with out him. And I will SHOW myself I am strong.
1st August 2022 at 1:16 pm #147862ArielParticipant
Well done to you. Keep going you have done the hardest bit but it sounds like you know that from past experiences.
I too know that feeling of holding back the tears infront of people I did it at a his family thing recently.
You child is so clever and you obviously have done a good job as they recognise what is NOT normal.
After reading this it has triggered me into more serious thinking of my own situation again. The holding back the tears, the agreeing with what he says just for peace, the (detail removed by Moderator) that they blame everything on. I am equally as sad now as I was in my previous relationship just in a different way.
I’m so proud of you for saying those words to him. Keep going xxxxxxx
3rd August 2022 at 4:59 pm #147980AurielParticipant
Hey spotty orchid the fact you felt relief when he was taken away is a sign of you being free and that’s how you should feel he’s manipulated you, undermined your choices/completely dismissed them, hes worn you down to a point you don’t recognise yourself and were becoming someone you weren’t (you actually turned into someone “he” wanted you to be) his control and emotional abuse is hard because they use our own feelings against us with the blaming, gasighting and positive memory triggers and making us feel, the blaming happens so much we end up just going along with things and becoming a shadow of who we were until we build ourselves up again to a better version with elements of the person we were before we met them and an added awareness of red flags and abuse tactics, (have a google at signs of manipulation and signs of a toxic person) he’ll probably try every tactic he can to get you back/not lose, guilt trips, pestering, using people to influence, positive memories, probable anger or threats, enjoy the freedom the freedom you felt when he was taken away , also google trauma bonds (they explain a lot)i so so hope one day soon you’ll post in positive moments to say your out for good (we love those posts!) bye for now, take care 🧡🤗🧡
8th August 2022 at 11:08 am #148180MallardParticipant
I am new here and understand your story
I have been married (detail removed by Moderator) years ( both oap’s) and soon found out the bullying coercive controlling and belittling ways
I am disabled now unfortunately and he belittles everything I say I am restricted in doing
I was referred to safeguarding as he fails to get me medical help when I need it
(detail removed by Moderator) he tells me I can use my hand to open a front door so why can’t I use a large bunch to open a heavy door
I have weakness in my hands and I know my limitations. He skits me and I feel scared and helpless
He said “do I want to be married to him as he is fed up with ME controlling him
I darent say that all I want is to be away from him
I feel so helpless
Thank you for reading
8th August 2022 at 4:37 pm #148190Grey RockParticipant
Glad that you’re here and posting. And glad that you’re managing the no contact. It really is the way to go. The manipulation that they stoop to is horrifying, with the most horrendous part being that after living through the cycle of abuse with them so many times we’re conditioned to accept what they say, even when we don’t truly believe it, and after hearing so much nastiness coming out of their mouths they can be adept at hoovering us back with just the right promises and declarations of love. All the usual 💩 about being soulmates blah blah blah, mixed in with some threats and harassment. Yes. No contact is the sanest way, even if it feels like walking a mountain path blindfolded at first.
Take care, I hope you stick around and keep reading and posting. This place really helped me when I got away.
Ps I think Women’s Aid said the average number of times that victims of Domestic Abuse leave and go back is 7 before they finally manage to stay away, so don’t beat yourself up on that score. Xx
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