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    • #88058
      Lostsparkle
      Participant

      I’m trying to keep this brief but basically the last (detail removed by moderator) years have just involved him being constantly being disrespectful, extremely manipulative, failing to take responsibility for his behaviour (his family also massively enable this), he constantly lies/denies things that have happened, he’s ended our relationship (detail removed by moderator) he isolated me from family and friends, blamed the baby for ruining everything with us and referred to baby as “that” for weeks and accused me of neglecting my eldest and being a danger to them (detail removed by moderator)..

      He’s had relationships inbetween and secretly took the children to meet new partners despite knowing I’m against this as they never last, he will then instantly prioritise them (and their children) above his own. He makes me feel absolutely worthless and I constantly question why they’re better than me, why he does things with them that he didnt do with me and why I wasn’t good enough etc. I finally break these thoughts and he’s back again, sucking me in. I feel so stupid as I know exactly what he’s doing and it works every time as I have developed a dependency on him and even though I know I don’t need him, and I know I don’t want to be with him long term, the thought of not having him around makes me panic.

      I find it really difficult to manage contact as set arrangements won’t work because of his job and he becomes emotional and makes me feel guilty when less than daily contact is suggested and makes me feel like a bad mum as the kids will miss out and they’re used to seeing him daily etc. He sees them at my house too as I stopped him taking them out alone when he broke my trust but now I’m being punished for that constantly. Whenever I try and be firm I feel awful and constantly feel guilty and apologise for things I don’t need to and when he’s vile to me I still feel the need to apologise and try and make amends. I don’t want my children growing up seeing how badly he treats me and I don’t want them thinking it’s ok but I can’t seem to find the strength to make firm decisions to give myself some space from him. Myself and past girlfriends get the blame for his alcohol dependency and poor mental health (this has declined again in the past week since we had sex/he cheated again so this is my fault and I’m currently being punished for this). I can’t stop thinking that he’ll change for the current girlfriend and not for me and our kids because we’re not good enough etc.

      Theres so so much more to it but all emotional. Friends keep telling me I’ve lost my spark, I don’t feel like me any more, I don’t have a life as he kicks off on the odd occasion I ask to go out and already makes me report in and tell him my every move with the kids as he’s convinced I have a man. I feel like I spend every waking moment obsessing about what he’s doing and who with and why I’m so awful that he’s not doing it with me. I feel useless, worthless, guilty and stupid, especially as I know what he’s doing and I’m not doing anything about it. I feel ashamed as I feel like I should know better and I’m bringing it on myself. I feel damaged and unloveable and I feel like no one will want me now and if I do meet someone I’ll mess it up because of how he’s made me now. I just want my life back and I want to feel like me again and I don’t know where to start 🙁 It’s the contact stuff I’m struggling with the most. I don’t want it away from me/home as I don’t trust who he’ll have around the children, but that means I have no distance. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated thank you xx

    • #88070
      diymum@1
      Participant

      you really need to get him out off your life to get past this. hes going to make you feel all of these things hes probably saying no one will want you. off course they will all off what hes putting into your head is untrue. i know this from experience. the only way to combat this is to go to court for proper ordered contact. so if you feel this should be supposrted contact then a contact centre is best. know this sounds like a stark call but its the call you really need to make alround this will be better. youll know the kids arent being exposed to any abuse including emotional. you could go through a third party for communication and that is still keeping the line off communication open but it is setting you free. sometimes we have no choice but to do it this way these men dont stop. only you and the right authorities can. get womens aid behind you. i did this and he knows now hw can never come near us xx mines is a long storey (detail removed by moderator) xx

    • #88101
      Lostsparkle
      Participant

      Hiya thanks for replying. I think i’ve Known I need to do this for a while but it’s such a scary prospect! And even though I know it’s better for the kids in the long run the thought of it makes me feel guilty that i’ll Be taking their dad away and they’ll hate me for it. Even though I know that won’t be the case really. It’s all the guilty feelings I need to work through I think but feels really daunting. Well done you for being so strong and doing that!

    • #88104
      diymum@1
      Participant

      well just take your time – try to bury that guilt some where. when your ready get everything down on paper. its doable xx

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