28th December 2015 at 9:52 pm #6699
Heyy im new to this site :),
Im struggling at the moment, ive been out of my abusive relationship on and off now for three years. I was in the relationship for (details removed by moderator) years and i had a son by my ex. The relationship was unpredictable one minute we be happy and the perfect couple then we be the worst ever, however when my son turned one i left and that has been nearly three years ago now. During this time i moved out of my birth town and started again just me and my son. i got my own place and met new friends and people at my new job, i manage to do all this while an injunction was in place on my ex as it was a horrible break up any how i made it possible for him to see our son through a contact centre but he never bothered, Soon as the injunction was off he started messaging me through my mate on fb, i then learnt he had another girlfriend and she was pregnant to cut a long story short i started to let him see our son and then me and him tried to give it another ago he left his pregnant girl and me and went to another girl, far as i am aware he has never seen his daughter and this was over a year ago. however last year i let him back in for 3 months we spent Christmas together and then on (removed by moderator) he left saying that he didnt like me texting my male friends merry christmas, i felt so hurt and guilty we was getting on so well i was thinking it was all my fault however i found out that he was seeing someone else behind my back he met her from his work place and they have been together ever since.
It makes me angry that i could have been so stupid to let him back in again. I should have known better. Recently due to it being christmas i felt so angry and upset and i duno why. I havent heard off him in . nearly a year. he has never paid a penny towards our son and always avoided paying the csa even when he was on the dole or he got cash and hand jobs any how csa contacted me a few weeks ago apparently they had spoken to him on the phone and that he was willing to pay me directly so much a month for our son, me being in total shock because he has never given a penny, this has set off alarm bells in my head.
has he really changed or is he getting bored with his girlfriend and this is his way of worming his way back in to my life indirectly or is it me being paranoid.
sorry for the long story.
28th December 2015 at 10:19 pm #6704
Glad you have found the courage to post on the forum the ladies on here are brilliant and very supportive.
Sounds like a nightmare your having with your ex. He sounds like he thinks he’s gods gift and can bulldoze though yours and other women’s lives. He sounds like he needs help and you will be very lucky to get rid of him. The tactics he will use are always to get back at you. I think your gut feeling has let you know the truth of what he’s up too. Be very carful if he’s on his way back as you know he will try and get under skin again.
I’m guessing he’s manipulating so he can get what he wants.
Melanie Tonia Evans has a great website and lots of YouTube videos which may help you to stay strong.
My relationship with my ex was on and off for nearly 2 decades he had a number of other women which he blamed me for and was controlling and emotionally abusive and this year I finally left but I’ve only been gone a few months and it’s tough. He has been this woman for quite sometime and was with her when we were together so it was time for me to give up its hard but can be done.
I’d love to say please please don’t listen to any of his rubbish he may now come up with but of course it’s up to you what you do and either way is ok. However I admire your courage that you have already gained.
Keep posting and stay safe
28th December 2015 at 11:22 pm #6711
thank you for your post, yes my ex does think he is gods gift to women. it annoys me because he has this hold on me and i duno why, i can go months and its coming up to a year where i havent spoke to him and yet he is still inside my head. Ive had a relationship which was short but i couldnt relax because of what ive been through and was scared it could happen again i didnt jump in to this relationship i was single for two years before hand. i cant believe he can just move on like so quickly and he always gets with someone straight after i leave him or he gets annoyed with something ive done and he doesnt like it. Its like he cant live on his own. I know he hasnt got anywhere to go and he has been like this since we spilt up three years ago he been on and off at his mothers house or he moved himself in to some girls house really quickly. the last two relationships he has had far as im aware he has treated them differently he has never hit them, all he has done is left his ex pregnant and moved on back to me or another girl. That makes me angry i know he hasnt changed so why did he hit me and not them. Then again i dont know what goes on behind closed doors. Last year he was amazing at christmas spoilt our son and me and this year not even a card for my son. I hate him for that its hurtful that he can use our son. Im just so scared that the contact from the csa is him coming back, i know he isnt good. Its madden because this person he is now is not the person i fell for all those years ago. I miss the person he was and what we could of had. i find it hard to stay strong and keep a level head. I just want to know what is he playing at he never given me a penny for our son even when we was living together i was the one providing for my son and him, so why now has he decided to give me the money.
enough of me and my problems, you are so brave to be doing this for such a long time, i hope you have the courage to stay away from him this time. believe me when you get a couple of months where they are occupied with something else life is so much better. I had 8 months of freedom he couldnt contact me and my life got easier and was normal it was nice, far enough you have your down days but you some how pull yourself back up. i wish you all the luck in the world, stay safe hun 🙂
29th December 2015 at 12:09 am #6712
One thing I have learnt is our ex’s are adults and they have to take responsibility for their own actions and in the world of therapy their problem is their attachment styles among other stuff. I’m guessing you ex will have an insecure ambivalent attachment as mine has, it’s a very much a push me pull me way of living. Not sure why he hits you and not the others but it’s all to do with trauma when younger however this is not an excuse for their behaviour.
I was told a while ago that I am actually undermining his feelings by trying rescue him as he’s not finding his own way to heal his inner wounds. I stopped rescuing him which was so hard to do and it pushed him further towards another women which demonstrated to me that he couldn’t heal himself he needs someone else to do it for him, which will never happen. It is very hard to do and for some can be dangerous so if you practice this please please make sure you are safe as you don’t always know how they will react. It hurts me like hell to lose him but in the long term I know this will set me free from the control I have lived with for so long. Also it’s a good thing for my children too. They are not his but he has been around since they are both little and the impact on them has been awful and now we have left both of them are already more relaxed.
My pain however is going to be more difficult but I will get there as you will to. He and them are very much In my head as yours is but I believe on working on my feelings too a but like a bridge to join me up as a whole person and heal my own inner wounds, which is why I read and watch Melanie’s YouTube videos on line.
Lots of love and stay strong
29th December 2015 at 11:21 am #6715
I think i might have to have a look on Melanie youtube page. my ex will never take responsibility for his actions he lives in a world where he is a victim. He move from women to women to find a remedy but he will never find it,so its consonantly going to repeat it self the circle of women. All i want is closure, to know that i am safe and that i can move on without after so many months he pops up again.
you stay strong too, i suppose there has got tobe light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 x
29th December 2015 at 12:05 pm #6717
I sure hope there’s light ☀️
Is a tough road to be on the the narcissistic traits these men have are unbelievable and they prey on vulnerable women or ones that can fill their egos but it never lasts and they leave a trail of detestation behind them.
I sometimes wish mine would come and tell me he’s sorry and loves me but I know deep down it will all be fake but I’m so desperate for that, then I hope him and this latest one will finish and I fear they won’t and he will happily ever after.
I also wish I could just think of me and what I need but this is hard as I’m a empath so I have the need to Look out for others all catch 22 really.
You may find Melanie’s stuff interesting as it also explains a lot about narcissistic people and how they don’t change – you may know that already. In closure you don’t tend to get it from those people so it has to be done though yourself which is rubbish I know but they don’t let you just walk away – even at the moment it looks like they do.
Sorry if all this is rubbish sometime I like to share stuff as I wasn’t allowed to when I was with him as it was his way or no way, so finding a voice is quite freeing but I’m still getting used to it.
29th December 2015 at 1:51 pm #6723
Thanks for your input Tamra, struggling myself at the moment- think Christmas is so hard for us whatever stage of break up from an abuser. These abusers never leave us alone, constantly changing tactics and mood to keep us confused. Like you was with mine for decades and he continues to manipulate, trick and push/pull. Have to keep remembering no contact- there for a reason- but the ex is so crafty and subversive. Got to keep strong and hoping we can all look forward with some renewed self-belief that we are survivors not victims! Welcome to blue eyes – you are in good company on the forum with a lot of great advice given. Keep posting for support x
29th December 2015 at 2:45 pm #6731
Yep Christmas is hard emotionally. I have no contact with mine but though the powers of FB something always gets back to me even though I have blocked a few people to do with him, even those who arent horrible in any way. I have suffered with his new woman posting on there all the B****Y time everyday in fact and the stuff she clearly wants me to see is the ones she makes public and we all know we can choose whats put up for the world to see or just our friends… It hurts more as we are older then her by ex amount of years and even though she isnt a young person she is acting like one plastering FB with stuff and Im surprised he wants her too but again if it can get back to me and hurt me thats his job done. He wanted me to have a profile pic of us on FB but I refused for personal reasons so I know he is letting her or told her I wouldnt do this so she is really sticking the knife in however at this point in time he hasnt got the same as her but she has one of them as her profile – I question this in my mind but thats what he wants me to do and then at some point I know his will change for the punishment to be at its height. My guess and gut feeling is this will happen new year, out with the old in with the in. knowing stuff does break the no contact rule but I tell myself this will get easier as time goes on as at the moment im still getting used to only having left a few months ago not even at the 3 month make yet.
I like your words of us being survivors not victims. I said to my friend that this new woman is my biggest punishment and she said see her as your freedom not punishment, this is hard because its what he does to me that is ingrained but I see her point.
Keep on posting and stay safe
29th December 2015 at 3:15 pm #6734
that how i see his new girlfriends tamra as my punishment, like he will fake being happy an loving to get at me in some way, but we all should know that it is all fake and how long can they keep up their act, my ex hates his life being put all over facebook so why does he allow his girlfriend to do it, because its all fake. One day his mask will slip and they will see them for what they really are, like we have. We all know they will never change and out for what they can get, like my ex sponges off people and when he has had enough he moves on to the next or tries coming back to me. Im learning to feel sorry for him because he hasnt got the will to change so will be stuck in this situation forever as we can all heal even tho its hard but we can all grow as survivors and be free and happy and that doesnt even mean being in a loving relationship with someone it could just mean being happy with what we have got now and want we can build and achieve. We can all still grow and change like a caterpillar does it changes in to a butterfly.
my mate told me once that everything happens for a reason and i believe in that, because my ex has defiantly given me some life lessons and experiences that i know i wont accept again. Some people are lessons in life and some are blessings. ive also learnt aswell that we cant control other peoples actions, so im going to live my life and think about me and what i want in life and achieve it im going to stop thinking about him and her together because i know for a fact it wont last and if it does it wont be very happy for long and if it does last she is in for a horrible ride because they wont change and we cant change them, tbh i feel sorry for their new girlfriends we know whats to come and they dont.
i think we should dust ourselfs down and make a list of five positive things to achieve in the next year as its new year coming up and rebuild our lifes away from them, yes its going to be hard because im struggling to but i know for a fact we are all worth more then this. They have had control for too long its time to take it back and show them they havent broken our spirit and they never will.
Stay safe ladies 🙂 .. sorry to ramble on but i think our ex’s have taken to much from us and we need to stop punishing ourselfs for something thats not our fault but theirs because they have got the problem not us.
29th December 2015 at 3:45 pm #6738
Wow Blueseyes16 your words have really touch me and so powerful that I crying but in a good way. you are right in everything you have said and the butterfly bit touch me to the cor as I hear that all the time and the amount of butterflies I get given, not real ones of course but ones that are on things, pictures, books etc.I agree and say we are all butterflies waiting for that freeing moment.
your friend is so right yes its lessons learnt and finding what that lesson meant – for me its that I dont have to be abused anymore by nasty men, I had awful experiences from a very young age and have been punished by them all apart from my Dad who is the kindest man alive as well as my son of course. I believe I will also have to heal those childhood moments so I dont end up with another one, if I ever do of course. and like you said that doesnt mean in a relationship with someone but actually one with ourselves and be content with who we are. A friend of mine came out of an abusive relationship years ago and has been on her own now for a few years, and of course her ex has gone from one relationship to another and even tried on a few occasions to get her back, at first I couldn’t understand how she was on her own as she is stunning, caring, intelligent, loyal, honest etc. and she told me that she had, like me, abusive moments though out her life and has just found peace within herself and doesnt need a man to make her feel whole however she said if one comes along and he feels comfortable then she will have a relationship. Id admire her and cant wit for the day I feel like her. So there is hope out there for us all.
Five things – Ill have to have a think and get back to you but thats a fab idea.
No need to say sorry on here and if you need to ‘ramble on’ you can I think we all say what we feel and thats ok
29th December 2015 at 3:46 pm #6739
Yes blue eyes – like that idea ‘some people are our lessons in life and some our blessings.’ Will hold that thought. Also, only a few days ago the ex was rambling on about missing the family for Christmas( blah blah doesn’t contact us only when it suits his schedule with his girlfriend) and I said exactly the same to him that the mask will slip and he can’t keep up his pretences forever. For once, he showed some sense of agreeing but he’ll go back to the usual bluff and bravado. Best thing to happen now is me blocking him for the long term and I know that’s what most of us ladies are working hard to do. The forum gives me so much support and resolve and I know you will find that too x
29th December 2015 at 4:43 pm #6743
Im glad that my message gave you some sort of comfort to you both, i just think that we need to be kinder to ourselfs we have been through a horrific situation which we never deserved or wasn’t even our faults. Why hurt ourselfs even more by thinking that they have moved on and they are happy, think about it if they were happy we would be with them now because we were suppose to be there worlds and they love us more than anything but were are they are playing pretending so they can get their kicks of hurting us. we all know its not a bed of roses with them and their new relationships its built on lies and how they see things its not real, its made up in their heads, so they can get sympathy from their new girls so they can use them against us. I say let them get on with it, these men are weak and need control to survive, we are strong because we are hurting to heal ourselfs to have a better life. we are living they are just existing through a bed of lies, and their masks will fall eventually the truth has a way of coming out in the end.
i believe that we all have two paths to choose from in life the right way of living where u face your fears and fight for something right and good or the coward way of life where u take the easy option and lie and hurt people because they arent strong enough to do the right thing.
29th December 2015 at 8:20 pm #6759
Thanks so much blue eyes and tamra,
Your words have really helped me today. Good to get perspective and not sink back into their view as the only view which after years of control is so easy to do. Blue eyes, your last post is really getting me back on my feet again, we can’t change them and we know their lives are built on games and lies. Yes it hurts like hell but every bit of pain moves me along the road to healing. Can’t go round, under or over just got to keepp walking through! What we are building is solid and that take time. Wishing some peace for all of us x
29th December 2015 at 9:20 pm #6769
I also thank you ladies for this chat today. It has helped me to process my thoughts and you have all given some enlightening words of wisdom
Lots of love
29th December 2015 at 11:05 pm #6775
Im glad you feel a little better about your situations, i think we need a coping mechanism for when we are having a bad day and i hope that when your dark thoughts creep in the words i have written creep in and take over the negative.
wishing you both the best of luck 🙂 x
31st December 2015 at 12:58 am #6837StarlightParticipant
What great words of encouragement from you all Blue eyes, Tamra and Amethyst. You are so inspiring and comforting. Just what i needed to read in the middle of the night.
Going to work on my list of 5 positive things to achieve for 2016! Great idea, itwill replace my usual middle of the night thinking :). Hugs to you all xx
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