Hi

[still here]

I’m a woman over 50, but I have suffered domestic abuse for many years. I have a daughter and her father is the abusive person in my life. He uses the fact that he has contact with her to be in contact with me. We don’t live together. When I was in the relationship with him he was very much abusive in the ways that are outlined by the ‘dominator’. It was only because I became critically ill that he pulled back because I had a lot of medical care and appointments and he probably thought his behaviour might be exposed. However, more or less every day for years I have had to take a phone call from him. He would be on for over an hour shouting, threatening and intimidating me. These days he wants to talk more about himself and talk abusively about other people but he quickly becomes threatening with me if I don’t give him the time on the phone that he wants. He’s always in my business, and demands to know anything and everything. I try to tell him very little. I try to avoid his phone calls, he will ring several times a day, and sometimes I will not take the call for a day or two but I then have to take the call and prepare a plausible reason for not taking the call. I have had some further serious health problems over the last few years which I am getting through, but it has enabled me to excuse myself from taking his calls. I’m biding my time until my daughter reaches a certain age of maturity. I feel I’ve lost many years of my life. He resents it if he thinks I might get my life back; if he suspects I may have anything positive or nice in my life, that could be me earning a salary, having a friend or perhaps meeting someone, even going on a holiday. I did work before my health problems but I hid it from him and he only found out after I had left and was unwell. He puts me down in front of my daughter and controls his maintenance contributions. I’m worried that I’m losing the chance to get back on my feet, because of my age, but I still hope that I can. I’m hoping that I will overcome these health problems and still, at some point, be able to enjoy some years in life. At times I get pretty down because I think he will always be there. At times I feel my head is literally ‘done in’ but at other times I still believe I can make it out of this situation and into a real life again. I have to face the fact that I’m now in a very weak position financially and am worried about how I will manage as I age. A younger me would never have thought I would have been in such a situation but it’s what’s happened.

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome to the Forum,

It sounds like you’ve been handling him on your own without any support. If you keep reading the posts on here and posting as you need believe me you will get stronger and start to gain the knowledge to lessen contact with him and hopefully deal with your fear of him so you could go complete No Contact even though you have a child. Also I would give Women’s Aid a call and get their perspective and thoughts on your situation. Yes he is still controlling you and contact with them is like ingesting poison so that’s why you feel so bad.

You will become strong by being on this Forum. Knowledge is Power and I have reduced fear of my abuser (my ex husband) by seeing that he is so typical of all the other abusers that the ladies on here have to deal with. He’s not special, he’s just commonplace and he is not as scary in my mind as before even though he uses scary behaviours as tactics but he’s losing (almost lost) his hold on me and that’s from coming on this Forum regularly for a good few years.

[still here]

Hi, thank you for your kind reply. He is the poison I must cut out. I believe it’s possible to get my life back. I’ve been very isolated for a long time. He’s really like a vicious monkey around my neck. I’m thinking about what I can do to help myself. I’m a bit flat at the moment though, but thank you for your encouragement.

[Ayanna]

Have you ever spoken to Rights of Women and Women’s Aid?
I think you need legal advice from them.
If he works he must pay maintenance for your daughter anyway.
His phone calls are nothing but telephone terror and actually a chargeable crime.
He could get arrested for that. Have you ever thought of getting him arrested?

You have been incredibly strong for dealing with this abuser on your own for such a long time.
Imagine how you can put him in his place when you get some support.
He is nothing but a coward.

Also, the stress that he puts you through affects your health.
You need a peaceful life to recover and get your life back.
The help is out there.

Regarding age and work you do not need to be worried. You can always find work.
First get rid of him so that you can focus on your health and building your life in a peaceful situation.

[Author]

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