17th August 2019 at 10:43 pm #85859
It has been a long time. It is emotional, coercive and financial abuse.
It was pointed out to me at (detail removed by moderator) but I took them away for a week, he changed his meds, and his behaviour changed once he knew he was being investigated. So I did not leave. I also had two children saying they did not want to leave their home, school or friends. Everything I have clung onto or do is where I live. Everything outside has been shut down.
So I stayed.
I rediscovered emails. From (year removed by moderator) recently which show it was bad years before I remembered. They. Mention all the violence around – he would punch, kick, stab with knives, wave wooden swords around (martial arts style not kids ones). A lot of. Mental stuff and statements that were scary and disturbing. He never allowed me to know howucb he earned and his money was his to do with as he wished. My money was to be spent as he never had enough for children to do activities or to buy uniform or school photos. Or anything else… Even car insurance or doing up the house. He kept a close eye on what I earned and always spent it.
He was eventually asked to leave by social services but he has now moved back after month. He has money to buy all sorts of things, has taken a lot from our house and the children came back from supervised context (detail removed by moderator) excited about their new rooms and the mugs daddy had bought them for when they stayed over as well as the games he had bought. Where has all this money come from? His sister has been supervising visits.
He has been requesting unsupervised visits from the first Weekend.
I am scared. Honestly scared because most people warn me that he cannot change. Even the police were amazing and said he would be like this to regain control. So I cannot trust him but my eldest wants a normal family with a mummy and daddy at home and my youngest was shielded by her sister and myself and the fact that due to partial deafness, she was not as aware of what was happening.
Having said that she has mentioned that he would get cross when she did something wrong but then he would be really nice again and hug her… Like that roller-coaster was okay because it ended in a hug…
I did not persue with the police because so many people I talked to said that was going a bit far and wouldn’t help. They felt there was enough but I confess I struggled to coherently give evidence in an ordered fashion as it was a repeated pattern which I had squashed down and tried to ig ore for far too many years.
It has really hit me tonight as they were so excited to see new rooms for them with new beds and other bits and pieces.
I feel stuck. I have only contacted with email in order to let him collect items. I have not spoken to him since he left to live with his sister for a month and that continues but he is very charming and believable… Seems genuine but with hindsight I can see he did not change in all these years together. People who know more have suggested borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
I just need advice. Or someone to talk to.
18th August 2019 at 9:15 pm #85942LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum!
You have been through a lot and i am glad that with the help of social services you no longer have to endure his abuse. It is very common for abusive men to spoil children when they have contact and be the ‘fun dad’ with no rules or boundaries as they know this makes life harder for you.
Women’s Aid do not believe that abusers have personality disorders because this takes away the responsibility from them for their actions, and abusers know exactly the effect their words or actions will have on their partner.
If you haven’t already you can contact your local domestic abuse support service for ongoing local support, you can search for details here.
Take care and keep posting
18th August 2019 at 10:36 pm #85957Anonymous
i totally understand how you feel with the financial abuse i am now in debt management because of my ex he totally lived off me and kept his wages to lead his double life. its so hard when you have kids im lucky i dont have any. but please don’t go back the abuse will only get worse. the kids will soon adapt and more so grow up to see who he really is. abusers never change they can’t they are not capable. keep posting keep taking advise we are all here for the same reason.. big hugs
19th August 2019 at 1:26 pm #85985
Thank you. It just seems so hard to do what is right. I want to protect them but also not upset them or be uncaring to him but increasingly, as I have looked back and taken away all those marries to squashed memories, I can see it has been years and years of abuse. Only he did not hit me so I just put up with it… I do not want my girls to follow this pattern but I cannot deny them their dad really can I and maybe he is not that bad if he is able to show others he is a good person and I am the one with the problems… (that is the line he has taken as defence that it is all my fault)
20th August 2019 at 11:57 am #86025FlowerchildParticipant
Hi, Lostmonkey, darling. So sorry you’re going through this hellish patch!
Question: do your children get to choose their own bedtimes? Their diet? Their viewing and internet activities? Their shoes and clothing? My guess is that you step up as a parent and ensure they are safe, properly fed, rested and clothed, whatever they might say they want!
So why on earth would you let them decide YOUR life partner? They are children; that decision is not theirs to make; they don’t have the information and understanding of adults yet. That choice too must be YOURS as the adult involved.
Of course they want mum and dad happily together; I guess you’d love that, too, but he has failed all the tests, hasn’t he?
Imagine 10 or 15 or 20 years down the track when they are grown adults with mature understanding, bearing mental scars from his abuse and seeing you broken by decades of abuse. What will they say? Probably, “Mum, why didn’t you just leave when you realised?” And if you say you stayed for them because they asked you to? “Mum, that was a bad decision. We were just kids. It was your life and our safety and happiness. You shouldn’t have listened to us!”
25th August 2019 at 1:49 pm #86422[email protected]Participant
no your not being skewed in your own mind you are right. so im not sure off the ins and outs off what happened before so i hope i am giving some good advice. i went through a contact dispute for a very long time – in my case the courts stopped contact because my daughter became very anxious to the point off having panic attacks. in my experience (im not sure if this is court ordered?) they offer unsupervised if supervised has gone well. they then see how this goes. in my case not well – i kept a diary off events pre and post contact off how she was beahaving saying what took place. we went to the doctor and i go wa involved with her xx im here if you want to pm me maybe i can help xx take care much love diymum
25th August 2019 at 5:25 pm #86436
It is not through the courts as I have not persued divorce or actions through the police – although they were very supportive and want me to bring charges as they feel there is enough…but I am struggling to give coherent statements.
The contact is being managed by social services and child protection board.
26th August 2019 at 8:16 pm #86516RXRXParticipant
You are doing amazing! And totally the right thing! Please don’t ever doubt yourself or your actions.
I doubted mine and it’s been the same time after time, I’ve left with my kids and we are happy.
I did take him back but kept my house; (detail removed by moderator) later he has shown his true colours. My ex wasn’t violent as such, just emotionally and financially, like you. It’s werid because it doesn’t feel like abuse at first but it is.
Keep doing what you’re doing xx
3rd September 2019 at 5:42 pm #87150
Thank you for such supportive advice – still feeling lost but intending to contact more support once kids back at school. x
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