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    • #108077
      Tend
      Participant

      I was in a Coercive controlled relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I finally plucked up the courage in (detail removed by Moderator) to end it, well it’s what I thought I’m still getting abused weekly some times daily From him because we have children together. And he refuses keep to routine a routine set by family services, punishes me by withholding or reducing child maintenance, or not turning up when agreed and only when he wants. Oh it’s so tiring I just want him to have a routine for the children but when i bring it up he gets verbally abusive and aggressive towards me. I just want the cycle of control to end

    • #108089
      KIP.
      Participant

      Stop contact unless it’s the times specified in the agreement and get a third party for all communication x

    • #108099
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Totally agree with KIP, you need some distance between the contact through a third party.
      If he’s not careful and you can’t get a third party and he keeps this behaviour up, he could find himself having contact at a supervised centre- with him having to pay for it!
      Log all of this behaviour, keep records and diary.
      Speak to Women’s Aid for advice, I think this would be classed as harassment now that you are out of relationship? Contact has to be in best interests of the children and behaviour that is inconsistent and threatening towards you is unacceptable.
      This is all just me thinking aloud and sometimes what I think/believe isn’t always what is the case but definitely worth checking out. You and your children deserve better than this.

      Soulsearcher

    • #108123
      Tend
      Participant

      Thank you, I have tried to cut contact, but because he uses seeing the kids to berate me at any chance, there is no routine So no set time or days, he will just email me saying I’m coming on this day and time for the girls, and expects me to be available, And I always do because I’m scared of the repercussion, one occasion I tried to challenge him Because we had plans and he threaten me with court because I was apparently stopping him seeing them on that occasion, I never I said could we do another day, I wish I never because he uses that against me, he told me to only contact him via email, and Then iv been ambushed with essays on historical events he has fabricated to make me look bad, I understand when you say I shouldn’t rely on him for child care, I’m Am working on Changing things once again with my boss As his used to switching and swapping, it’s hard as they are not in school at the moment, I tried a third With a cafcass who helped with the children and His mom And my mom tried, but he put a stop to that. As he said he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about What’s best for his children because theY are our children so no one can have a input. I feel as if I should stop contact until I hear from court but Doing that will get me into trouble as he is entitled to see them.

    • #108127
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi there,

      Yes, he may be entitled to see them, but how you are trying to manage this is the way that reasonable people behave when they break up and can still communicate properly. I know many couples who have separated and share the children without issue at all because they plan ahead and are reliable with arrangements.

      With abusers, it is not about being reasonable, it is not about the best interests of the children, it is still all about control. And what better way to have that control than tell you he’ll have the kids on a day/night/weekend, so you make arrangements to have a social life, they hey presto! He lets you down and your plans are ruined.

      Children still need a routine and reliability. Children need to trust and rely on their parents 100% all of the time, so if this man in not a reliable father and is constantly letting the children down, upsetting them (as well as you) and cannot plan ahead, then stop them seeing him. Let him take legal action to get a formal court order for contact that will set out when he has them and when you have them. He’ll probably still let them down on his weekends and not turn up, especially if he finds out you’ve planned something with friends, or God forbid – a new man, because he’ll want to mess that up for you completely. But just log every missed opportunity he’s had for contact and you can go back to court to ask for no contact at all based on his unreliability.

      You and the children are NOT at his beck and call – ever. If he is threatening you then this is harassment and you can report the threats to the Police. You DO NOT have to change your plans at a moments notice on his say so just because he’s decided he wants the kids that day.

      You have tried an informal way to manage this and (detail removed by Moderator) years later it is still not working. Now is the time to get a formal, lawful arrangement in place.

    • #108138
      Tend
      Participant

      Thank you so much I got emotional ready this advice, you are so right I need to do what best for the children and it’s not me stopping him from seeing them, but its me putting boundaries down for eventually a better routine for them and to save my sanity.
      I have started a log thank you. ♥️

    • #108152
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Absolutely Tend, you are the one setting the boundaries and requesting consistency and reliability. You are certainly not going along the lines of parental alienation, do not worry about that, which I’m sure he’ll throw in to the mix at some point. You have tried your best, you have included your Mum to try and help facilitate the contact, but to no avail.

      Due to his own ego, sense of self importance and unwillingness to compromise, let him take you to court to get access.

    • #108181
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Yep, Yep- nodding away here to everything WanttoHelp says!!

      You go Tend, go for it. You and your children deserve better.

      All power to your elbow.

      Soulsearcher

    • #108629
      Tend
      Participant

      Morning, can anyone help with sending a last message as I have gone no contact with my ex, but he has emailed me once and saying his going to be turning up without any prior arrangement.
      I want to let him know I wish for no future contact not until we can get a contact order in place. And I’m not happy for him to just come and goes as he please and if he can stop sending vile messages. I’m not doing this to hurt or Be spiteful but I just can’t keep abiding by my ex’s house rules If that makes sense. If anyone can help with a email response Which will highlight the issues it will be great Thank you xx

    • #108630
      Tend
      Participant

      Sorry to add I meant email as him and I only communicates Via email

    • #108636
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hi Tend,
      I’m sorry I don’t know anything about any of this side of things but I am certain someone will. Keep coming back and bumping your post up so it doesn’t slip off the front page, as it’s important that you get the help you need soon.
      LB x

    • #108637
      Headspinning
      Participant

      Do you have a solicitor? Can they write in your behalf? That way he knows it’s serious.
      Otherwise – just set out that you wish no contact, any further comment from him to you Will not be responded to and will. E treated as harassment. if he needs to contact you he goes via xx( pick someone you trust). If you want to you could set out times for him to see your children or call them (that way you are not blocking access merely putting boundaries)
      Don’t apologise, rationalise or explain. You cannot win that conversation and you simply give him fuel to argue and counter claim. Just stick to the facts and keep it minimal.

      Once you send it, that’s it, do not respond. If you do the police will see it as an argument. Keep copies of anything he sends because you can then build a harassment case should you need to. X

    • #108640
      Tend
      Participant

      Thank you for your response. No I don’t have a solicitor,
      And I’m not very good a wording things, I absolutely understand I shouldn’t be going off topic as it can cause fiction. I have ignored any email up to now but I have received another Detailed Email with conditions of picking up the children in the very near future. Including A threat to take me to court

    • #108642
      Headspinning
      Participant

      Remember that threats are simply that – threats. Try and take the fear and emotion out and stick to the facts of the situation.
      As long as you are complying with any official child access agreements then how can he take you to court – on what grounds?
      He’s a bully and he is trying to scare you. You already have an agreement for child access through family services – just outline that in your final message and say that you will honour what is there and not entertain any approaches outwith that.
      I’m thinking if he does appear just don’t answer the door? What’s he going to do? You call the police as it’s harassment. You have the agreement, you stick with it and nothing else.
      Go out the first couple of times if you don’t want the confrontation but if that becomes the norm you need to treat it as harassment x

    • #108644
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Try Rightsofwomen.org.uk, go the their ‘get advice’ section. It will take you to their phone line for advice. They are only available until 2pm today however and are next open on Tuesday 7pm-9pm.

      Many solicitors offer free half hour advice- just google family law solicitors in your area and free half hour. You may be entitled to legal aid? You could check this whilst calling them for advice re this email.

      I wouldn’t send anything until you have legal advice and I would want it ideally to be sent by a solicitor. I would want to indicate, I have had enough, I mean business- Do not contact me.
      If he contacted me thereafter, if he was threatening, I’d log it all and report it to the police as harassment.

      I think it is worth raising his behaviour with your GP, school and a domestic abuse worker anyway. It is possibly even worthwhile speaking to your local police, particularly if you feel threatened. I would start logging things not just in your own diary/keeping texts/emails etc, I would want to be showing these to professionals so they are keeping tabs too. Therefore as and when this goes to court, you’ve got evidence.

      Keep posting, let us know how you get on.

      Don’t panic though and respond. Take the time to get the advice and report/log stuff. Stay focused on the decision that you’ve had enough and are taking a stand. Don’t let him panic and scare you into responding- you are in control.

      Keep posting let us know how you get on.

      Soulsearcher

    • #108645
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Just to add, as I forgot this. You have a formal arrangement through family services. Just stick to this whilst you are going about sorting everything else out. Don’t be distracted by his emails to change things/threats. If he rocks up, call the police- harassment. Not sure what your arrangements are, whether he is allowed to collect from your house? I’d want that changed- need some distance and that is your personal space. I’d be like, No Entry!

    • #108670
      Tend
      Participant

      Thank you. For you advice, x

    • #110848
      Tend
      Participant

      Hi, I have been ask Today to get help with legal aid I need proof of DV,
      The therapist I seen will only state I came to him with anxiety and depression not what caused it. So this have left me at a blank wall, as the people are happy to help with Legal aid providing a Organization can fill out there blank template.
      I feel like giving up Because the years of abuse I haven’t documented it’s just stuck in my head like a bad dream. And the person I did open up to Says because of BACP Policy they are only able to disclose dates of attendance. I don’t know what to do Any advice because I’m slowly giving up I’m jumping constant hurdles while still dealing with his psychological abuse daily xx

    • #110852
      iliketea
      Participant

      @Tend start a new post in case this gets missed. Really important point, I’m sure lots of women have been through this. How about GP? Or local Woman’s Aid /Domestic Abuse service. Get a referral ASAP from GP, they can then fill out the form. X*x

      @Lisa
      any other ideas?

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