29th June 2020 at 9:51 pm #108162JlohParticipant
Hi. I’m new here and not really sure what to expect.
I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and since then I have realised how abusive his behaviour was/still can be. I feel like a fool for not seeing it and the realisation of what he did was a shock to the system to say the least. I’ve finally stopped making excuses (just) but it is still having a massive effect on my life. Insomnia, flash backs, depression.
When does it stop??? We have 2 children together so (detail removed by Moderator) contact is unavoidable and I have to put a front on for the kids sake.
Any advice would be really appreciated!
30th June 2020 at 12:33 am #108178Soulsearcher18Participant
Hi, welcome to forum.
Interesting that you say he still can be? This needs exploring and managing. You are out of this relationship and so it is firstly about setting your boundaries so that you can create a safe space to process, heal and recover.
Zero contact is advised with abusers and if this is not possible, then to use a third party for all contact- indirect and direct. If this is not possible, it is worth exploring boundaries for contact arrangements with a professional (Solicitor/Women’s Aid) to ensure that he is not able to get into your space.
Any continuation of abuse, I think would be considered harassment now that you are out of the relationship. This is worth checking out with professionals as you can report it.
Any contact should be beneficial to and in the best interests of the children, any behaviour that he displays in front of, or with the children that is abusive can also be reported. It is worth keeping a log/records of his behaviour.
With regard to your recovery, I think dealing with issues with contact first and creating that safe space would be priority.
There is a ‘booklist’ on here, search in ‘Topics’ and keep going down the pages until you find it. Reading up on some of these suggested books can be a good starting point to help you to understand what has happened to you, why and the effect it has.
You can contact Women’s Aid for advice via the helpline, e-mail, or via webchat on the website. There is also a link to local support services in the ‘information and support’ section on the website.
Most local support at the moment is via telephone call and the usual support groups are not running at the moment, as far as I am aware, so forum is a good space to share your progress with survivors, ask any questions and seek support.
I hope this is helpful, please keep posting to let us know your thoughts and how you get on.
30th June 2020 at 3:48 pm #108272JlohParticipant
I think alot of it is the fear I have of what could happen. He knows that and every thing is done in a way that is hard to prove.
I kept a log for a year but I have stopped in an attempt to move on.
I have a new partner who is very supportive but dealing would h what happened is alot harder than pretending it never happened at all.
Thank you for your advice. I will definitely look up the book list.
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