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    • #6106
      tobefree
      Participant

      Hi I am new to this and its been difficult to decide to post.

      I keep questioning what happened with me and my ex husband is abuse or not…people keep telling me it is but I can’t quite grasp it.

      After I had my daughter and survived a traumatic birth where we both lost our lives I wanted more time off for mat leave. My ex said if you can financially support yourself do it.

      I ended up going back to work and paying childcare without my ex helping pay for it.

      Back in (month removed by moderator) I knew I wasn’t happy but took me til ( month removed by moderator) tell him. After this he grabbed my arm and it scared me senseless…he said sorry but I push people to far. He turned my sister against me telling her I had lost the plot and lost a relationship with her til recently. In (month removed by moderator) moved out after him saying your my wife and your going no where. The day I left he followed me around the house and packed my stuff up with me.

      I took my daughter back to see him one evening and told him we were 50/50 to blame and he went mad! Shoved me, verbally agressive and got up in my face goeding me to fly at him which I didn’t. All in front of my daughter!

      Since then he had spread malicious rumours, told his solictor I intimidate him, and questions my parenting!

      He is always late picking up my daughter for visits and dropping her back, wet nappies just general lack of care.

      I am so so scared he will take her and not bring her back and have panic attacks every weekend. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. I have no confidence or self esteem and just struggle daily with huge anxiety. I am attending support groups but nothings working. Weekends I truly dread.

    • #6121
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Well done for posting you are so brave.

      I always thought things were 50/50 but its not these abusers manipulate us to we snap, so we look like ogres and make us question our sanity.

      I have a Womans Aid support worker I can’t say what a support it is having her on the end of the phone or meeting up. I would if you haven’t done this contact them they will point you in the right direction, me doctor and the police have been great too don’t be like me living with it for decades.

      Also keep posting the ladies on here a wealth of knowledge. Though the site has been recently up dated and is taking a little longer to get responses.

      Good luck, your life will be better in the long term just very hard at the moment. x

    • #6130
      tobefree
      Participant

      Thanks for your response.

      How do you get in touch with one? I have tried to call the line on various occassions but to no avail.

    • #6138
      Midnight Marbles
      Participant

      Hi TBF

      It does take a long time to get through. I just sat and rang constantly until I got through. About 20 mins I kept trying. It’s well worth it when you get through, just keep trying.

      Good luck xx

    • #6146
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      tobefree,

      I know that awful feeling of fear you have in regards to what your abuser may do. I found what gradually lessened my fear was a number of things:
      1) minimum contact (children only)
      2)reading the book ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (showed me that they are not as ‘clever’ as they think they are, in fact they (the abusers) are very commonplace and nothing extraordinary, they all have very similar patterns.
      3)Reading the posts on here as often as you can, need to. (You will lose a lot of fear realizing they are not unique and you will gain strength from all the ladies collective strength.

      They are bullies. They are cowards. They think they are all powerful and invincible in their self-delusion and they arrogance and their inflated ego and sense of self. They have worked hard over the years at convincing us too, using their methods of fear and intimidation. That’s why we are afraid of them because they have worked very hard to instil fear and terror of them and what they may do to us and our loved ones.

      But they’re not as powerful as they or we think. Keep posting. That fear of him and his actions will eventually lose their hold over you.

    • #6144
      Tamra
      Participant

      Hi They are great at blaming mine also said it was 50/50 but also wanted me to talke the blame for most stuff.

      He wanted me to scratch his car with a sharp object to prove i loved as this is what happened to someone we knew – what on earth does that show?????? I cant do stuff like that just to look mad or what ever he was trying to do. I understand that people do get to the point of destruction but to want someone to do it I find strange – actually while I am writing this I do sometimes want him to do stuff to prove he still thinks of me but there is no way O would ask him do that destructive stuff I would like something nice.

      They do also try to paint your name black and Im sorry your sister was manipulated enough to cause a rift between you and I hope she now believes you and stands by you. Luckily I didn’t have that problem with people we know, for him however even though people still speak to him they know the truth and have all longed for me to get away, this includes his friends, joint friends and just my friends and family – hes not even aware of this.

      keep writing on here and I hope you get support soon from women’s aid.
      and hugs being sent to you

      xx

    • #6150
      tobefree
      Participant

      Thank you all so much for your comments. It is greatly appreciated and good in some sort of way to know I am not losing it and that it is/was real.

      My sister and I are closer than ever, but the process took a long time. The people he got to before me are starting to hear the truth and some peoples ideas have changed. However, that doesn’t change my feelings for them and the fact that they took his word for it.

      Luckily contact is now minimised. I have a separate phone for him and visitation is done now by my mum and new partner as last time I saw him I broke down as soon as I drove off. Just overwhelming fear of him, reminiscing of the hurtful things he has done and said and fear he wouldn’t bring my daughter back. I truly don’t know what to do if he didn’t – keep reading the police would do nothing and its such a minefield!

      Lover of no contact – your message has particularly helped, and what you have said is so so true. You do question whether its not abuse and that its not real. But the damage after clearly shows it is. I will look into that book most certainly, and just to say how I feel to you ladies without burdening my family already seems to help – spilling how I feel truly without fear of judgement.

      The words “none of it is my doing” rings daily I my mind – one comment that burdens the other memory’s

      Truly, I am grateful for all your comments and kindness ladies..

    • #6237
      tobefree
      Participant

      Hi Ladies,

      I managed to get through yesterday and the lady I spoke too was amazing. Feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

      It was an eye opener and hopefully with some calls to make today it will put me on the right tracks

    • #6303
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi sorry I have issues finding posts again on this site, age thing one thinks 😉

      Great news about making the calls I hope all went well xx

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