Hi, another new member here!

[Shimmy]

Hi everyone,

I’ve just been approved to join the forum and I’m very glad to be here! My partner is emotionally volatile and I’m not sure how to handle the situation.

His behaviour is fine unless I either ‘let him down’ or ‘disappoint’ him (which seems to happen over the tiniest things). If I ever happen to do either of those things, he becomes excessively critical, abusive and even physically threatening. For instance, I recently called him to say I couldn’t go to a small social gathering he had organised a couple of hours beforehand because reorganising my house (which had to be done on that particular day) took me longer than planned and I didn’t have any other option. He said he didn’t mind when I told him on the phone. It was my birthday shortly afterwards and I had to tell him I wanted him to take me out otherwise he probably wouldn’t have done anything, despite the fact he always organises parties for himself and his other friends. He spent the night glaring at me and rambled on about how he hates being disappointed by people. He also ordered me not to do it again, and said that if I’d have done this to him in the past (when his anger issues were apparently worse) he would have broken my neck.

He’s also very critical of my body and has said it is ‘flabby and unhealthy’, with the ‘evidence’ being that I don’t always eat 100% healthily and sometimes struggle to walk up stairs because of my asthma. I’m not skinny, but I have personal training and I’m also a keen dancer so this isn’t true. He withholds sex and rarely touches me at all. He also has no problem giving compliments to just about every other woman apart from me, which makes me feel repulsive and unattractive. If I ever pull him on him saying negative comments about the way I look, he says that he’s told me I’m beautiful many times and that I’m wrong. Similarly, if I question him on his actions in any other sense he walks away or tells me he feels I’m attacking him. It feels as though everything I do is wrong, from the way I look to the way I think and feel, and that nothing I do is ever good enough.

Everyone else in my life has told me what he’s saying is wrong, but I’m struggling to tell myself this too. I feel very alone and I’m struggling to find any positivity in myself or my life at the moment. Any advice or comments any of you have would be greatly appreciated.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi there, I’m kind of new here too! Although I’m very pleased I found this page as I thought I was the only one. Your partner definitely does sound abusive. The “I would of snapped your neck” threat sounds a lot like my daughters father who had said similar things in the past such as “if you were a man I would knock you out for speaking to me like that” and has threatened to “boot” me for things like not walking fast enough. Your partner also sounds very controlling. Don’t doubt yourself, I used to think I was over reacting or being silly but that’s how they want us to think. Do you rent or own a house together or? X

[IrisAtwood]

You are not alone in being in a relationship with an abusive man but now that you have started posting on this forum I hope that you will feel less alone and start to see that a more positive view of yourself and a more positive life is possible.

I was in a relationship that left me feeling that I was never, ever good enough and that almost everything I thought, felt, did and said was wrong. That is the result of abuse. That is what these men want us to feel because then we become afraid, dependent and compliant.

I am starting to understand that a different way of life is possible and I think that being around women who have experienced similar things but are working towards change is a big part of that. I haven’t been on the forum long, but it is already helping to strengthen me. I hope you feel that it will help you too.

[SunshineRainflower]

I can guarantee that you are so much more attractive than him, my ex used to do the same, it is their way of knocking our confidence so that we a)seek their approval and b) don’t leave as we fear we are too hideous to find anyone else. I got asked out within weeks of leaving my ex, don’t believe a word of what he says (not that a man’s approval matters but hopefully it illustrates my point that it is all lies).

He sounds very emotionally abusive with very worrying threats of physical abuse, it is absolutely not right him saying he would have broken your neck. It’s also not right that you have to follow his rules, a loving partner doesn’t behave like that, it shows a massive power imbalance in his favour. Look up the Cycle of Abuse and see if it sounds familiar. He sounds a lot like my ex from the withholding affection to the criticism of my body then turning around and saying of course I’m attractive etc. They do it to mess with our heads, make us worry, feel bad, feel fat, old and ugly as it makes us easier to control.

Ring the helpline and keep posting for support, you are not alone.

[Greyskydarkdays]

Hi I think once you no what there doing isn’t because of you it gets a little harder to believe there lies, I’m new here too, and I’m so glad I found this place, my head was like a scrambled egg, but knowing I’m not alone and it isn’t me that’s making him act that way, gives me a reason to believe in myself again, and maybe one day I’ll be completely free, I read this thing it says to look in the mirror and tell yourself
I matter my life matters
Try it, and keep saying it, even if he’s right there say it in your head, so all u can here is that you matter, not him or his lies of you, keep strong

[Shimmy]

Thank you so much for your responses, you’ve all been massively helpful. It’s good to know that none of us are alone on here and that there are others who’ve sadly had to go through similar experiences.

Thankfully I’m not living with him at the moment so that’s not an issue. He definitely realises when he’s not been nice to me because it always follows the same pattern. He will go quiet for a few days after the incident, then he will text me asking if I want to come over and mention that he has some food that he knows I like, exactly like the cycle of abuse. He will then admit that his behaviour has been unacceptable, but whenever he’s disappointed with me he repeats all the abusive comments he made last time.

I can definitely recognise what you’re all saying about the aim of the abuse being to knock our confidence so we’re afraid and easier to control. The one thing I can’t get my head around is the negative comments about the way I look. He likes to collect images of women he finds beautiful, both just casual photos and porn, but shows little interest in me in that way. He’s told me I’m not his type before because of my body type, then he apologised and said I was his type, then when he got in a bad mood some time afterwards he told me I wasn’t his type again, so I feel like his negative comments about me are genuine. I’m so confused! His friends have been really complimentary about my appearance (both to me and to him on his own) and he always acknowledges that they’re right, so I really don’t understand it at all.

I definitely feel stronger after the one post I’ve made on here so far, so thank you all. Knowledge is definitely power!

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