Hi! Confused is it control or am I sensitive

[Anonymous]

Hi, me and my husband have been going through difficult times for a few years now. (detail removed by moderator) year ago we were going to separate due to not being happy and like I was being questioned all the time. He handled it badly and told our children it was me who wanted him out! We stayed together to work things out, and all although some times have been good I often wonder was it the right choice?! So over the years things have got worse. He checks my phone and social media and who I talk to. I dont really have any friends and the only nights out I’ve been on are with work and even then he will wait up to see what I come home like (although he says it’s to make sure I get home safely!) He’s even questioned the clothes I’ve wore and gone in a mood if I wore a skirt when I said I was wearing pants. He once text saying you aren’t where you say you should be as my phone was hooked up to a laptop.
I keep fit alot and this is purely because I love to keep healthy and it’s something I enjoy to do. I met a few people in the community who also like to keep fit and we often workout together (make and female) I also bring my children along when they’re off school. He doesnt like it when I speak to other men. He thinks they’re after something hence him reading all my messages. I always have to justify a message or why I’m getting a text. I’ve even screenshot messages so he can see theres nothing going on! I’ve gone through phases where I’ll delete my social media to keep him happy.
I feel hes very needy and he gets very upset if I dont ask him to go to the gym or go for a run. I’ve told him it’s ok to have friends, it’s ok for you to do things with your friends I dont want to join in everything you do! He even came to the gym last week and made himself late for work?? I said to him that’s not normal behaviour! Yes, I go to the gym but never would I make myself late for work. His reply was “I cant do right for doing wrong!” Which I didn’t understand really??
We’ve agreed to try marriage therapy. I have told him I feel anxious when my phone beeps or rings and I have even had my phone on silent because I cant deal with the looks, the spying over my shoulder or listening to my convo. I’ve even told him I’ve deleted messages, but then I think am I making things worse. I’ve never been unfaithful in anyway, and actually he has! I tell him because of his bad choices and messaging women he thinks every man on earth is the same.
I’ve told him I’m not going to see my friends who I keep fit with anymore because I cant deal with the hassle, maybe I’m giving him what he wants but I’m at the point now where I’m just giving up!
I feel he wants to do everything I do, and all I want is an hour a day to myself to workout. I dont mind sometimes working out together, but he has his rugby and I dont try to join in with that!
I dont know i just feel trapped and that I’m constantly justifying my attentions. 🙁
TIA xx

[Anonymous]

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[Lisa]

Hi Blossom03,

I just wanted to show some support here; I’m really glad you’re posting as by the sounds of it he’s managed to isolate you quite a bit. When you tried to leave before that was really manipulative of him to use the children like that. Lots of perpetrators are overly jealous and possessive; it’s very common of them to accuse you of cheating on them. This is all part of the emotional abuse; by doing this it makes you question yourself; question what you have done or said to make them think that and make you feel like you have to reassure them even when you have done nothing wrong. It makes you feel like you’re treading on eggshells. Monitoring your whereabouts and going through your phone and social media is actually stalking and harassing behaviours.

Do you want to try marriage therapy? Do you think it will work? If you do end up going please just proceed with caution; lots of perpetrators will use it as an excuse to keep the abuse going; they may act like the victim to the therapist and blame you for everything. Remember the perpetrator is always to blame for their abusive behaviour; there’s nothing you could have said or done to warrant this response from him.

I’d encourage you to try and get as much information about domestic abuse as possible; the Freedom Programme is quite informative and there are groups around different parts of the country: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You could also contact your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Rainbowcloud]

Hi blossom
Sorry to read your issues with your husband being in a similar position it took me a long time to realise my partner was abusive. Years actually and now I’ve had enough I am also not allowed to do things I like alone even if I walk to the shop I am questioned it’s ridiculous. My only advice would be he won’t change only you can change if you want to stay with him insist that this is something you want to do alone and see what he says if he resists this then you need to ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life I know I don’t so am making an exit plan now as I promised myself this gift a life of freedom away from him and I am going to do it.
Don’t just accept this or stop going to the gym it’s what he wants and then he has achieved his aim which is to control you and remember control is not love. Keep posting is helps me to get it out even if no one responds

[Anonymous]

Thank you for responding! And I’m sorry to hear you are going through a similar experience.
I hear you about going to the shops as I’ve had this too, or I’ll come with you, I’ll meet you there! We have a tracker for our children to make sure they are safe etc, but now we are all on it and if my phone goes off or it disconnects he knows straight away.
It’s so difficult because in my head I feel is it me! I’ve never spoken to anyone about this and always hid it well, and I know if we were to separate I’d feel ashamed and feel I’d have people judging me on the person they see when really no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
I just worry for my kids as I don’t want them to be unhappy!
I know I’m giving him what he wants, but the thought of trying to do anything fills me with anxiety. I’ve had a few friends contact me asking where am I and to one I’ve just said I am suffering with anxiety, but not gone into detail. It just annoys me because he will start something and when he knows he’s gone too far he will say “I’m sorry, I’m just being an idiot!” And change the subject. I’ve told him I’m anxious and unhappy, but hes totally ignored that and I’ve even said to him I would of killed myself by now if we didn’t have kids.
Although we’ve agreed to try therapy I have said it doesn’t mean things will work out. We hide it well from our children, but the older they get the more they will notice. I’d rather them grow up in a happy co-parent environment than a unhappy broken family unit.

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