Hi everyone, advice needed please

[MummaBear]

I’m a mum of a (detail removed by moderator), ex left after (detail removed by moderator) together.. he took our child too afterI was gaslit so hard I was convinced by my ex I couldnt take care of my baby on my own, and doing the best thing I could for them I agreed they could stay until I got well again, thats what my ex said would happen, and then we would take care of our child 50/50 like many other separated parents.

I improved greatly very swiftly without him here, and then it all got messy and nasty.

I see my child once a week, I have them most weekends and I have them half the holidays.
I miss them, ever such a lot, and what gets me is the person whos tucking them in and stroking their hair until they fall asleep is their grandparent, who had a big hand in convincing me I was too ill to take adequate care. This was not the case, and sadly never was..but I believed, and I believed it would all be amicable 50/50 and the only difference for our child is they would stay with me half the time and the other half would be spent at grandparents with dad..dad works shifts..i wrote to dad recently requesting I now take more responsibility and care of our child to give grandparents a break, this request wasn’t met with a positive response.

People watch me outside when I’m with our child, they watch me in the playground during the school runs, I constantly feel judged and under a microscope and I know this for sure because I’ve been sent many a message letting me know.

I just want to enjoy the quality time I have with my child, but instead I’m constantly watching over my shoulder, I cant trust anyone, cant make friends with any fellow parents because I dont know which ones are the ones spying.

I miss my child immensely, I didnt do anything wrong, apart from spend a while in hospital and have some tests done over the following months, its written over many a document no concern, would never intentionally harm, yet my ex will not let go the fact I suffer with anxiety.. something I’ve had over a decade. Yet held down one job (detail removed by moderator) until I was made redundant without issue, and the next one (detail removed by moderator) until I realised the relationship I was in wasnt healthy, I’m currently out of work, applying for school jobs, I did nothing wrong, no school staff have any concerns, no medical professionals, nobody, but my ex just refuses to allow me another minute, claiming its not in our childs best interests because our child doesnt want to see me at all, yet the minute they see me at the school gate they jump into my arms for a massive cuddle with a big smile on their face, and as soon as i say its time to get their shoes on they boo, they cry, they yell at me saying its all stupid, and they want to stay with me.. I get our child prob does get sad if I’m getting them sometimes..but that could be because they get minimal time with us both now, and not maximum time with us like before

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