Hi I am new and very confused……

[Spiderweb]

Hi everyone, thank you for accepting me to this forum. I am a new member and was reading through the posts for a couple of days now while waiting for my membership to be accepted. I am very shocked to see so many similarities to my situation in so many posts from other ladies here…! I want to tell my story and apologies in advance for the lengthy post.
I had met my husband when I was very young and he is much older than me. He was extremely charming and gallant in the beginning of our relationship and completely swept me off my feet with presents, flowers, dates, holidays, etc. I was so in love! We started living together very quickly and he even got us our own place which also impressed me massively back then. However, soon after we started living together, cracks started to show….. He became controlling, verbally abusive, emotionally and psychologically abusive. When I was pregnant with our first child, with all the stress and arguments we had, I nearly lost our baby and had to spend (detail removed by moderator) in hospital and on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy in order to save my baby. Following the birth, things improved slightly but it always went back to the usual ways. If I asked for help, he was always tired; if I asked for attention from him, he said (detail removed by moderator). If I dressed up and put make up on, he said I was doing it on purpose to attract men….He removed all my friends from my life, he tried isolating me from my family and when he didn’t succeed, he accused me of prioritizing my family over him. In the end he did succeed to distance me from them by persuading me (detail removed by moderator)….
Since the (detail removed by moderator), he never worked a single day and all stress of breadwinning, getting our life sorted here, paying bills, household chores lay on my shoulders. He forbid me to go out, if I went out with work colleagues, it would have been an argument at home after that. Every day there was an argument about one thing or the other to the point that after work I would cry in my car and not wanting to go home. There was emotional, psychological, physical (pushing, kicking, shoving) almost every week, one incident at a time, verbal abuse was more often than that.
(detail removed by moderator) ago I broke down and slipped up – I had an affair with (detail removed by moderator)….. I was looking for love, for some sort of understanding, for anything better than I had at home…. My husband started suspecting almost instantly, questioned me every day getting to confess. I was too scared to confess as I knew what will follow so I lied to him, told him it’s nothing (was I being a gasligher then? I don’t know…. I only know that I was scared but also that I kept having the affair which I have immense guilt about). I ended the affair not long before (detail removed by moderator). I felt awful about what I had done and finally confessed to my husband about everything.
Oh my god, what started then I can only describe as living hell….. Abuse escalated to physical, slapping, pushing, kicking, punching, spitting in my face, calling me names in front of our kids and telling the kids what I had done and that his behavior is my fault. He threatened to kill me, had (detail removed by moderator) saying he will stab me, he threatened to hang me, stab me, kick me to death several times. He wrapped (detail removed by moderator) around his and told he will beat me up and not leave a mark. I have several photos saved of my bruised hands and legs, last incident was (detail removed by moderator) and I have again fresh bruises on my (detail removed by moderator) again that I need to cover so that it doesn’t draw attention for kids… He says he loves me and behaves like this because he is hurting from what I had done and how I had betrayed him, our family, our kids. He says everything that is happening, our kids suffering is all my fault. And I feel guilty, I feel it is my fault, I feel I deserve everything that he does… After each episode he becomes very nice and loving and caring and says he loves me but the “peace” doesn’t last long… Anything and everything will trigger him and he will start abusing me again… Worst thing is that he told our (detail removed by moderator) what I had done (affair) and said that this is why he behaves like this, because I had cheated on him. I am not feeling my son starting resenting me….
I tried leaving few times, he hid house keys once, then he said he won’t let kids out and he knows I won’t leave without kids….
Worst thing is that when he acts caringly and lovingly, I get a glimpse on the man that he used to be in the very beginning of our relationship and fall for it and my guilt takes over and I think I do deserve all the abuse I get….I don’t enjoy my life, I forgot how to smile and laugh, I feel that I need to survive to get by every day…
Apologies for rambling and long post…

[Anonymous]

Hi Spiderweb,

I’m so sorry about what you are going through.
Thank you for trusting us, and opening up the way you have.
Having an affair is wrong, but you know that and feel sorry about that.
His abuse started before your affair. He has always been that abusive man. And it sounds like he has not taken responsibility for his actions.
I think all abusive men control sex. Whether it’s making us have sex when we don’t want to, or doing sexual acts we don’t feel comfortable with, raping us, or denying us when we want sex. It’s all control.
I had an emotional affair. I loved someone else for years during my marriage. I think that fantasy that I could actually be treated nicely and loved kept me going. I don’t condone my feelings, and I know they were wrong.
Your husband knows you feel guilty about what you have done and has successfully used this to make you feel deserving of his abuse. You are in grave danger. And I’m very sorry your children are caught in the middle. I really hope they don’t develop a mindset like their father. I have sons and know how it has effected them. It’s heartbreaking.
Abusive men also know how to push our buttons and push us over the edge on purpose. They use our reactions against us to make us feel guilty, at fault, and deserving of what they do.
Thank you so much for reaching out.
Have you contacted women’s aid for support and advice?
Please keep reaching out when you feel you need to.
We are here for you xx

[Spiderweb]

Hi Ocean,

Thank you for your response and support, it is much needed for me at this time.
Yes absolutely, me having an affair hasn’t helped anything and I do feel very guilty about it. It began as an emotional one as well and looking back at it now, I think I was looking for something that I wanted to see from my husband at that time. I know I was wrong and what I did is a betrayal and I don’t want to try and defend myself by saying that it was because of the way he treated me before the affair. I could have left him but I didn’t.
I think my guilt is what stopping me from doing anything now as I feel I deserve everything he does…. He does know what to say to me to get a reaction from me, he does it also in such a way so that our eldest son can see it and then says that if I try to leave him, he will take my kids away and I will be paying him child support (I now support all family on my own with no help from him). He knows that for me the worst thing would be to lose my kids and he uses it…
I haven’t called local WA yet – I guess it is also because I am afraid that he will go through with his threats and take kids away. I don’t know for how long I will be able to take his abuse….

[Anonymous]

Hello again,

Have you kept record of his attacks? Have you managed to record any evidence? Dates are really important.
He is behaving against the law. I doubt he would be able to keep your children away from you.
Can you seek legal advice?
I am concerned your partner will turn your children against you. And if they are old enough, they can make a decision about where they want to live.
You do not deserve what he is doing.
I hope you stay safe x

[Spiderweb]

Hi Ocean,

I only have few pictures saved and hidden on my phone and I also had contacted another DV organization via phone and have a record of that conversation that I can get if I need to. I haven’t kept a record of the dates though….
I think I would be able to seek legal advice but as I am working I would assume it would be expensive and because I am the only one supporting the family, I have no savings to allow me to pay the legal fees.
My concern is the same, he may try to turn kids against me, especially the eldest one. The youngest one is still young and she has said to me before that she doesn’t like what daddy does – that broke my heart 🙁
My guilt is overwhelming at the moment and I feel like I have failed my kids as a mother and not able to protect them from what’s happening.
With my mind I understand that what he is doing is wrong but I also feel that I deserve this and just need to bear with it and maybe it will pass.
There is a period of “peace” at the moment but I am walking on eggshells all the time expecting it to start again at any point….

[Anonymous]

Hi Spiderweb,

Thinking about what will happen to your partner when you separate shows the empathy you have. It’s a common trait among victims/survivors of abuse. And abusers exploit our empathy.
I never called the police either during my marriage. Which I now regret.
Your partner is making his choices to mistreat you, behave in an unlawful way, and not work.
But separating is huge. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured.
Please reach out for help from Women’s Aid. May you and your children stay safe and well xx

[Spiderweb]

Hi Ocean,

Thank you for your response and you haven’t made me feel pressured at all. On the contrary, I very much appreciate every advise and support I receive on here xx
I think my next step would be to speak to Women’s Aid about my situation and think of my safe plan. My worry is that my eldest child wouldn’t want to leave with me and I don’t want to leave without both of my kids. But I have to understand that the situation won’t get better either with him and he will use everything he can to try and keep me where I am right now.
I need to gather strength to leave and I hope I will get there soon xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Spiderweb,

You might be entitled to legal aid because you are a victim of domestic abuse. Have you heard of the NCDV? They helped me with the paperwork to get a non molestation order for free. They will ask questions about your situation and suggest what you need to keep safe. I can’t remember what the order is called, but there is one you can apply for that would mean he could not live in your house.
I’m sorry if this all sounds overwhelming. It is a very huge thing to do. But if you genuinely fear for you life, which I imagine you feel that way when he attacks you, then this might be an option for you. The order for him to leave the home, and a non molestation order that means he has to stay away from the home. I know not all men obey the order. Separation can be a very dangerous time.
You are not overexaggerating, this is not your fault, you are not deserving of this, and it will not pass.
Hoping the best for you!
We are here for you xx

[Spiderweb]

Hi Ocean,

I haven’t heard of NCDV but I had read something about non molestation order and occupation order that are possible to get against him. I am afraid to take this step, he has nowhere to go, no income either. I did offer him before to help him with housing and benefits but he wouldn’t want to and he says that this is his house as well and he won’t be leaving unless I call the police on him (and he knows that I won’t do it).
I don’t know where my red line will be and what will make me actually take that next step.
Thank you so much for your support and your responses – it helps me to share my experience and thoughts with someone and feel safe in this forum and heard xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Spiderweb,

So sorry to read that you are in the same situation that I was several years ago.

This really is the most awful and traumatic time and you are slowly going through the denial/acceptance/realisation stage that your relationship is not one that’s ‘going through a difficult patch’ or ‘we’ve grown apart over the years’ to actually realising it is, in fact, abusive.

Having to admit to ourselves that we are ‘victims’ or being ‘subjected to’ domestic abuse is hard. It’s easier to believe they’re only treating us like this because they are upset, or tired, or had a stressful day themselves, and then there’s that old adage of ‘you only hurt the ones you love’ that we’ve been conditioned to believe. These men are great to the outside world aren’t they? Then behind closed doors they can really be ‘themselves’, and we accept this because we love them, we accept that the home environment is where they are ‘safe’ to be themselves and let off their steam, that they can vent to us, rage at us, scare us, dictate to us, assault us, all because they ‘love’ us?!

Where on earth did that saying come from? “You only hurt the ones you love.” How has this been acceptable for all of these years? The ones you love should be the LAST people you hurt. As a society, we need to stop using this phrase and stop accepting it.

I’m glad you are reading Lundy’s book. I read this well over a decade ago. My abuser was The Victim. And he played it very well. That book really opened my eyes too.

No one can tell you to leave this relationship. (Well we can, but you won’t – until you’re ready!) No one can rescue you, but the lifelines to help you rescue yourself will be thrown to you, it’s up to you to take them or not. A lifeline option is the Occupation Order. A legal order for this man to be directed to leave the family home. Your application may not be accepted, not all of them are, but if you are more concerned about him not having anywhere to stay than the safety and mental well being of yourself and your children then this is a lifeline you are choosing not to grab on to. It’s really hard for us to start putting our own priorities before theirs because we’ve already spent so much of our lives considering their needs, changing our own behaviours to try and make them happier so that our life is easier. You have to have a shift of mindset if you want to change your life for the better. You have to prioritise yourself over him.

(Detail removed by moderator)

Please do not minimise what is happening in your home and the effects this is/will have on you and your children. Continue to research, explore options, seek help, take lifelines and take back control of your life. It is absolutely possible, as many of us who are now in recovery can vouch for.

Good luck x

[Spiderweb]

Hi Wants to Help,

Thank you for your response and I so agree with everything you have said but I am not ready yet to make the next step 🙁 Still here, still with him and still in the same situation. Sometimes I get angry with myself for not acting, for thinking how difficult it is for him and not thinking how it is for me and my kids. I told him that I want to be alone with kids and want him out. He said I can start divorce proceedings if I want ( he knows I don’t have finances to support it) but then he again started acting all nice and lovely and this messed with my mind again. He will be all nice for day, two tops and then goes down to silent treatment, subtle comments, looking all doom and gloom until the next explosion. It is a circle I have come to know all so well in the past months that I can see it coming from miles away… And still I do nothing… And this just makes me feel weak and that I failed my kids so badly….

I have dialed Womens Aid few times and hung up before the call went through, I have read about various support options again and again and done nothing. The only thing I had done is making notes of the abuse incidents with dates and what had happened….

I look around at people smiling in the streets, on TV and think whether I will be able to smile like this again ever ? Right now it feels like it will never end.

[Author]

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