Viewing 13 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #62444
      Surviving
      Participant

      Things changed hugely since the court gave the non molestation order. I feel safe. Happier and able to move on better. All the messaging has stopped and he can’t approach me if he sees me. It’s Bliss.
      I do however feel for my little girl having to still see him when myself and her brothers don’t have too. I think this is changing her behaviour hugely. She has started punching me bruising me when she don’t get what she wants then says daddy shows me it’s ok because he smacks me. It’s really hard. But apparently the justice system knows what’s best for our kids more than we do these days. I so hope the justice system changes soon when it comes to domestic violence before they allow so many more kids become victims

    • #62451
      White Rose
      Participant

      Have I underatood what you wrote? She’s actually telling you her dad smacks her?
      If so (and her acting out and bruising you suggests it is) then please phone your local social services children’s safeguarding team and talk to them. He’s not keeping her safe from harm if he’s smacking her, and unfortunately by knowing about it and not sharing it with someone you could be seen not to be protecting her too. Given your non mol and abuse my worry is she is at risk too – emotionally and possibly physically. It could escalate.
      It’s hard ringing social services but you’re trying to protect yourself and children from him. Don’t give him the opportunity to pick on the smallest family member.
      Resist the temptation to grill her about the smacking as she’ll clam up but do report what she has said and leave it to professionals to look into it.
      Look after yourself and don’t be afraid to report it xx

    • #62453
      Surviving
      Participant

      It all gets reported. They don’t do anything as they say parental smacking. He get a away with it all. His girlfriend smacked her and they still did nothing as there is no evidence. Just my daughter’s say so.

    • #62454
      Surviving
      Participant

      That’s exactly what he is doing. He can’t control me and he can’t hurt his boys and keep them in line and he only has my little girl so I think that control will be worse now but unfortunately the system didn’t care he hurt the other 2 kids they seem to think they know what is best for our kids and we have to do what they say

    • #62455
      White Rose
      Participant

      Keep ringing social services and keep reporting. If you are worried you’re not getting anywhere ask to speak to duty manager. Another option is your GP.
      If she’s preschool age report to health visitor, if in school then school nurses (there should be someone around even in school holidays) or there’s always NSPCC!
      Much love xx

    • #62462
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hello Surviving,

      I just wanted to show you some support. Sadly it is all too common that abusive men use child contact to continue the abuse long after the relationship is over. You are doing everything right and White Rose’s advice is very good, keep reporting and getting professionals to support you. Your local Women’s Aid group should be able to offer you ongoing support and they can help add weight to your concerns. Your local Women’s Aid group may have children’s workers who can work with your daughter and you and if she is at school or nursery they can also document how contact with him affects her so you can try to change the contact order to supervised contact or perhaps no overnight stays. Please have a look at http://www.row.org.uk and http://www.coram.org.uk for some more advice. The NCPCC are also very helpful.

      Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #62496
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hi surviving,

      Well done for keeping going and good to hear you are indeed surviving. I hope you don’t mind me asking but your situation might be similar to mine. I am still in my situation I have numerous children, a few above 9 and one under 5. My older children have said they don’t want anything to do with him and my little I’ve says she doesn’t like daddy because he is mean and hurts mummy. My massive fear when I leave is that my littlest one will have to have contact with him but my older 3 will be listened to and won’t have to. Maybe a bit like your situation? Ideally I don’t want him to see any of them. Just looking for a bit of advice really. Thanks and hope things improve for you soon xx

    • #62520
      Surviving
      Participant

      I sometimes wonder if I should have stayed so at least I can protect my little one. But I also think if I stayed then all 3 are at risk. I feel I have saved 2 and I have tryed my hardest to protect the little one. I just have to hope now that either he don’t hurt her or she tells someone if he does. It’s hard because you can’t trust the system to help your children.
      If you are at risk and you are unhappy then you have to leave. Just get all the advice from Domestic abuse etc first so you have support to do it. If I stayed any longer I literally would have committed suicide.

    • #62554
      gold for a king
      Participant

      Hi surviving, I think you should report it to the school. If they see this behaviour pattern then they have a duty to report it to to the social team anyway and they have more weight. Really they should have listened to you but they can’t ignore a school. Don’t ever try to coach or encourage the child to say anything or tell lies, only just say to tell the truth. The father is already teaching to lie and it can be hard for an inexperienced social worker to unravel one set of lies rather than two.

      I agree with White rose, you really need to speak to a caseworker, they will sort it. I think it was ten or twenty years ago they made all social workers manage their own cases though but I could be wrong and it does depend on your county. Good luck though and don’t give up.

    • #62626
      Surviving
      Participant

      Hi. Thanks all. I do report everything. The school have no concern for her. They say she is a happy girl at school. The only concern waanrhey noticed she could be jelous of her dad’s partner.

    • #62937
      Surviving
      Participant

      He hurt her the other day..she wouldn’t get into her carseat and she said he lost his temper and chucked her in the seat. She said he hurt her. I asked her to show me where it hurts and there was a big bruise. Told social services but yet again they won’t do anything they said it could have been a one off. It’s not a one off as it’s one of the things he admitted (Detail removed by Moderator) was he used to get angry when they played up getting into the car.

    • #62984
      White Rose
      Participant

      Dear surviving
      Please ring your social work team office tomorrow and ask to speak to the duty manager/tean leader. Tell them about the car seat incident and that you are very worried about what your child said had happened and that there was a bruise. Take a photo of any injury or marks your child reports. Try to get a picture with an idea of size and extent of any injury e.g. have your child’s hand next to a bruise. It won’t be any good as legal evidence but at least it’s something.
      Keep telling the social workers. From what you say I honestly don’t feel they are doing what they should to protect your child from actual and potential harm if they are disregarding injuries the child reports and that you see – no matter how minor they seem. I’m appalled they said it might be a one off. Once is too many times in my book! Ask the what happens if the second “one off” results in a more serious injury? The domestic abuse circumstances should increase their awareness anyway, and your children should be on their radar. Tell them you are really worried in case the abuse escalates. Put it in writing too. If you still get nowhere then maybe phone NSPCC for practical advice.
      If your child has any injuries they report to you as being caused by daddy get someone to examine them ideally same or next day to document it, and the story. GP or health visitor or A and E can do this, or you could phone police and ask to speak to someone from domestic abuse or even child protection team – tell them you are desperate and worried that your social worker seems to be dismissing your worries about child’s reports and her bruises.
      Google adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and throw that into the pot for your social worker to consider. If they’ve not heard of it gently suggest that they could look at it!
      I know it’s hard dealing with social workers but this is your little one and as a mum you want people to listen and to work with you to make sure she’s safe. Escalate and share your worries. Don’t be fobbed off by your own social worker – go higher and make a real nuisance of yourself until someone listens to your worries.
      Sending love and hugs to you and your children xxxx

    • #62989
      Surviving
      Participant

      It’s not so much social workers. They tell me if I feel she is at risk to stop contact. It’s cafcass that’s the problem. I’m.not aloud to stop contact as they made it clear they will give her to him. So I need things to back me up. That’s why I report it all and hope they will.step in so it’s not me stopping the contact.  (Detail removed by moderator).

    • #63015
      White Rose
      Participant

      Aaarghh protocols and guidelines as to what to do and who can do what and poor you stuck in the middle worried about your children. Mad world!
      I’d still suggest escalate to social work team manager if you haven’t already. Speak to them but ask for written resonse – you should get it. Ask that they respond to your concerns and advise you what to do to keep your child free from possible harm. If it’s there in black and white to “stop contact if worried” then show it to your cafcass worker and ask what they’re going to do when you do follow your instinct as a mum and stop contact. Social care and cafcass should be able to communicate and agree whats in the best interests of your childs emotional and physical wellbeing but “should do” and “will do” are poles apart.
      Chin up. You’re a fab mum it’s the system that’s broken xxxxx

Viewing 13 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content