Hi I’m back

[oaktree]

Sorry ladies, I am back I hope that’s ok. We were doing good really. He was supporting me at counselling and I thought we were getting somewhere. I was feeling more confident and trying not to let the little things bother me….
I am trying to make more time to do the things I want to, and today I went for a run. I really enjoy that, and getting my fitness back and losing weight is all part of a more confident me. I had been out about half an hour when rang telling me I had to come back as our little girl wouldn’t do what she was told and he said ‘I’m about to lose my rag’. I came straight home and she was sobbing under a blanket, he stormed out and hadn’t come back yet….. she is ok I have given her a bath and put her to bed and she is Singh g herself to sleep. I just feel I can never go out now….she told me she was scared of him, but she also said she was scared d of going in the bath so I don’t know if that means anything. She is a pre schooled and knows that saying she is scared will get my attention ( she is at times scared of shoes, broccoli, and walking….). I can’t just dismiss that though can I….I don’t know what to do. I genuinely don’t believe that he would ever hurt her, ever, but I just don’t think it’s that much fun for her when I’m not here and it just turns shouty with her dad.

[oaktree]

Sorry for all the typos, I’m on my phone and it’s hard to type

[lover of no contact]

Hi oaktree,

Just want to say welcome back and so glad you posted. I don’t have much time now but just want to give you my experience. When I was at your stage I was still in denial I didn’t even had the ‘uncomfortable’ feelings you have around your abuser’s behaviour. Mine shouted regularly at my then pre-school little girl and I comforted her and protected her (or so I thought). He singled her out from the other children as he got the most fuel from her reactions, her upset, she was a very sweet, sensitive soul.

Fast forward to now, just under (detail removed by Moderator) later. She is still being very badly abused by him. She was away from him for (detail removed by Moderator) (blossomed and lost 3 stone in weight) has just come back and in less than a month(detail removed by Moderator) her mind and emotions are a mess due to him emotionally bullying her. The weight is piling on again. She is very down in herself and not coping and she thinks its her fault and is in denial about her abuser-dad’s behaviour.

He was simultaneously abusing her and myself all through her childhood. He got off on both our upset. I got away from him when she was in (detail removed by Moderator) years and I am more or less complete no contact with him. I have gone from a shell of myself to strong and my life is very manageable.

In a nutshell, save yourself and your daughter. His shouting at her will continue all through her childhood and teenage years. This is how he how he gets his fix.

My daughter has very low mood and low self-esteem and if you saw her she is stunning but he has influenced her (from his putdowns, comparisons to other siblings, and smearing of her to her siblings and his family) so she doesn’t see her beauty or her capabilities.

Keep posting.

[duvet]

Hi,
I just wanted to respond to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this
I can’t comment based on experience but from what you have said I think you know it’s not OK
None of what you have described is OK
you and your daughter need to feel safe
Can you call the helpline?
Do you have a safety plan?
I know my children are my priority and they are why I haven’t changed things in my situation yet but I always tell myself that if I thought it was hurting them I would go.
Please keep posting and please do see if you can get some help

[cupofcoffee]

Hi Oaktree, just wanted to say……what does your gut instinct tell you about this situation?

I found that I could not leave my ex with my kids either as soon as I left the house for a chore, there would be drama and I would be called back home. So in the end I could not leave the house with him looking after the kids, which scared both them and me. And my ex then had free reign to have his freedom!

[oaktree]

Thank you, he is on his steroids agin which he blames for this occasion. He came back last night after a couple of hours and told me what happened. Our daughter wouldn’t get undressed for bed or take a bath so he threatened (detail removed by Moderator)….. he even went to get the (detail removed by Moderator) and took them upstairs, that would scare me never mind a toddler/preschooler.
I need to talk to him about looking at changing his medication. In the meantime I will never leave him alone with her again.

[Alicenotichains]

Hello Oaktree,

So you pop out jogging, doing something for yourself and he makes sure it will be the last time. The way he has chosen to behave has had two main consequences.
He has scared your child by threatening to (detail removed by Moderator) and he has made you so concerned for your child’s safety that you won’t go running again.
How awful for you and how horrid for your child.
When I was married my ex husband sabotaged every attempt I made to do stuff for myself. I was once in a cafe having a coffee with a friend and he came in and started shouting, he would look after kids badly
Or use anger which meant I couldn’t leave them with him and as a result I didn’t do anything for myself.
At the time, I explained his behaviour away with stress, money pressures, drink, his childhood.
From a distance I look back and see a mother and children who were being abused so badly they didn’t even realise it was happening. There are no excuses here, you deserve much better.
If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to think about what is best for your child. The effects of abuse on children are immeasurable.
My husband was not a physically violent man on the whole but he used anger, moods, silence, storming off, storming in, smashing stuff up etc etc to terrorise me and my gentle, sweet little girls.
You can either put up with this abuse like or you can choose something better for you and your child.
My ex still sees the kids but as he doesn’t live with them their childhoods have been saved from being dominated by his vile abusive nature.
They can charm the birds down from the trees when it suits them, but when the mask slips you see who you are really dealing with.
You should look at going on a freedom programme course. That opened my eyes.
It is so hard, but please know that you could have another much happier life xxxx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Oaktree,

Welcome back. The incident with (detail removed by Moderator) sounds like something out of a horror film, I’m not surprised she was scared. It’s definitely concerning that he is creating drama and being aggressive with your child when you are out enjoying yourself so that you have to stop what you’re doing and come back.

I agree with the others, listen to your intuition, it is never wrong, and keep posting for support.

Sunshine

[oaktree]

He has made an appointment to review his meds, he has agreed he cannot look after our daughter on his own whilst he is on steroids. I worry about when I work away, as I travel quite a bit with work. I just hope he is honest with the doc when he sees him and says really how bad it is, not just that he gets a bit moody sometimes. Perhaps the doc can refer him for some sort of counselling or something. I just don’t know what else to do. I might ring the helpline this afternoon, it can’t hurt can it

[oaktree]

lines all busy so can’t get through….

[SunshineRainflower]

If you do a search for your local domestic abuse team they might have a helpline too, my local one does and they were amazing and much easier to get through to. There is a search facility on this website. I was only able to get through to the national line once and I tried about 10 times on different days and times. I think you can leave a voicemail or email them and they can get back to you as another option.

[oaktree]

I’ll give them another try tomorrow, maybe leave a message

[oaktree]

I signed up and did the online freedom programme. He does some of the things they talk about some of the time. Others he is totally mr right…… I am still trying to get through to the helpline to get some advice

[Lisa]

Hi oaktree,

Brilliant to hear you signed up for the Freedom Programme and you’re trying to get through to the Helpline. Unfortunately it is a busy helpline but if possible try to leave a message on their voicemail service for a call back at a safe and convenient time. I hope you are able to speak to a Helpline Worker soon.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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