Hi – I'm new

[Swan123]

Hi All
I’m new. I won’t embellish my ‘story’ by speaking lots about it. It gives it power that doesn’t help me…just to say I have experienced emotional, verbal, coercive control with pinches of physical chucked in for good measure when I have tried desperately to turn the tide within our relationship. I haven’t left in all the years I have been with him – almost (detail removed by moderator) now…we met at university…’because of the children’ – (detail removed by moderator), and I have been financially reliant since the children came along, up until now. I am self employed, and slowly working to the point that I can support myself, at least halfway so ‘feel’ a little mobilised in how I go about things. Last year I had an affair – not proud of it, but not regretful either that for a few moments in life, it felt I was being treated properly. Suffice to say it ended, I confessed to husband after he suspected, and he hasn’t coped well with it at all. The abuse had been going on for years prior…. Anyway, (detail removed by moderator) ago, and I decided I had had enough after he locked me out and proceeded to crush my arm in the door when I tried to get in. I am taking those steps to reconcile finally what has been happening in my marriage. I’ve been living in denial, ignoring and pretending to myself that non of this has been happening. It feels like I have been sleep walking. Today- I dropped the kids at school. He came with me. I don’t want him to come with me…I feel I have no space. I came home and went back to bed and have slept most of today. I feel mentally, physically and emotionally drained…like I am having a breakdown. The other day he sat and wept, and said he had thought about suicide for the first time in his life because of what I did…Now I am waking up I have realised that this is all manipulation and wanting me to feel sorry and indeed bad and ‘fix this up’…none of which I prepared to do…but all this is taking so much effort, so much grit, so much determination – I feel sick in my own life. I am on a waiting list for legal counsel, as they are so busy. Until then I feel stuck. He doesn’t want to divorce or end things. I do, even though that hurts too to think about for all the years shared. I am grateful to anyone who takes the time to read this, because I just wanted to pen my thoughts, because I am so sick of thinking in my own head and feeling alone in my own fog with this. Over and over in my head, it keeps coming back to ‘how did I not see/notice?’…and for this I feel so very sad and sorry for myself. To add insult to injury I’m a therapist and help people deal with their problems the whole time…I of all people SHOULD have noticed?- surely? Anyway, as I said thanks for reading and supporting me by doing this, I really appreciate it.

[Lottieblue]

Wow @swan123 you sound like a really amazing person. I can’t tell you how much admiration I have for you for deciding to end your relationship. There are so very many of us on here who suddenly (often after many decades) had that lightbulb moment and can’t believe that they didn’t realise sooner. And many of us still feel unable to go, in spite of the lightbulb, for whatever reason.

You will get loads of support on here. We’ll be behind you all the way. And there will be lots of advice forthcoming too as there are several people who really know their stuff and will be able to point you in the right direction.

So… welcome aboard, and thank you for trusting us to be by your side. X

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. Because you’re such an empathetic person it wouldn’t have occurred to you that the person who is supposed to love can cherish you is actually the one who is trying to destroy you. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid for support and advice. Most solicitors will offer a free consultation which will give you and idea of where you stand financially and legally because your husband will simply lie to you. Know the facts. Have a look at Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That. And Pat Craven Living With The Dominator. Abuse is insidious, before we know it we are trapped by it in a FOG of Fear Obligation and Guilt. Children from abusive homes are Much more likely to be abused in adult relationships so your children need to see you strong happy healthy and standing up to abuse. Dealing with an abuser leaves us drained. They are parasites. They thrive in a relationship by sucking the life out of their partner. Nobody wants a divorce but I can tell you I’d go through a thousand divorces for my freedom and what it brings. Once he knows you’re serious about divorce and he cannot manipulate or bully or deceive or threaten or emotionally blackmail you into staying, the gloves will come off so get all your ducks in a row first. It’s also the most dangerous time when we leave an abusers so never ever underestimate him. My ex too made sure I couldn’t work and he held the purse strings, another form of financial abuse and controlling behaviour. Lean on your local women’s aid but start collecting important papers, copy bank statements and financial documents, passports, marriage certificates and confide in those close to you that you trust. At the moment you’re drained and traumatised so you know you need help to get out of this. Your children learn from you and your husband. Stay safe and keep posting. This site is a wealth of knowledge and support and Knowledge Is Power KIP X

[Swan123]

Thank @lottieblue I actually don’t feel strong at all.I am in the period of ‘weakness’…probably what he can sense. We talked yesterday for the first time in a few weeks since the latest episode and he’s telling me he is committed to going to therapy and anger management. @kip – I have been reading Lundy Bancroft’s book online ever since it happened again…and I think that’s what’s scaring me, is I have no idea of what is ‘real’, what he is ‘saying’…what and who I am actually dealing with. Thank you for the sound practical advice. I am feeling ‘traumatised’ – like a bird who got caught by a cat but thankfully didn’t get eaten. I feel in the space of stunned just like a bird who can’t fly right now. He’s asking me for a chance…and its perhaps the first time I have confronted him over his abuse without fear. I don’t know whether I am feeling stupidity or that I am putting faith into our marriage to ‘permit’ that opportunity to ‘change’ or at least examine his behaviour which he is prepared to do. I am confused and sad-I don’t know what feels right/is right anymore.

[KIP.]

You have given him chance after chance to change but he simply doesn’t want to. The damage they do to us mentally is shocking. It spills into the rest of our lives. Reality testing is what I began to do because he had lied and gaslighted so often. Try keeping a journal in the meantime but you need space as you’re still very vulnerable to his manipulation. He may be being reasonable just now but wait till you don’t agree with him. You will see the real monster again. And round and round we go in the cycle of abuse x

[KIP.]

The man you’re dealing with is a nasty self serving individual who wears a mask to keep you trapped in abuse. Try thinking about you and only you. Ask why you are staying. Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG of abuse. Judge him by what he does/has done not by what he says. Write that journal of every single time he abused you. You mention ‘fear’. You should never ever fear your partner. Huge red flag. Google cognitive dissonance. Co dependency. Trauma bonding. Maybe these terms are familiar to you. Apply them to your situation x the very first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave and he knows exactly what he is doing x

[Paintyourowncanvas]

Hi,
I’m new too…. For the first time this week I reached out and used the text help line.
My story is not dis similar from all our stories. Initially its all good… Then can the verbal abuse, the jealousy and accusations of me cheating on him… Then the emotional and Coercive control…. And finally the physical abuse.
This is all in a time frame of (detail removed by moderator). All the red flags were there from day 1 but I thought that is his past and people change etc etc…

It’s got worse and worse, I walk on egg shells (although he can be wonderful at times) wondering what I’ll “do wrong” next….. I feel lost. I am no longer me…. I’m scared alot of the time…. But in the other hand I feel guilty for saying all this cause he can be kind hearted and nice to be around and its at those points I think that maybe I’ve got it all wrong…. I’ve over exaggerated it all, I’m too sensitive etc

Life is hard for me…. In my head…. I am lucky in so many ways as I own my home… I have wonderful pets and a couple of friends ( who I don’t confide in)…. My best friend died of cancer in (detail removed by moderator)….

That’s me…. And to add insult to injury I’m a (detail removed by moderator)…. How pathetic does that make me..

Thank you for listening x

[Swan123]

Please don’t feel ‘pathetic’ @paintyourowncanvas…I’m a (detail removed by moderator)…being empathetic like we are as @Kip suggested, it can blur those energies and boundaries. Please don’t ever feel bad about saying what is truth…that’s the bit of ‘shame’ you are holding for him. We are all a work in progress. Keep talking, we are here for each other which is what I am quickly learning in here…and I feel so very grateful for that bit of ‘safe’ in my world, mentally and physically.

Sending you warmth and strength x

[Author]

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