Hi, I’m new.

[Unsettled]

I’ve never done this before and it’s terrifying.
I feel like I’m loosing it. I feel like I can’t have a cohesive thought patten. I’m constantly questioning myself and my truth. I have no sense of self anymore. I feel lost and alone all the time.

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi
You’re not alone on here. Please keep reading and post when you can. I’m still going on my journey but despite all the trauma I can see it does get better and so it will for you, when you’re ready.

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful Angel … Unsettled,
Welcome to the forum… as bettertimesahead said you are not alone.
When I was with my ex I read a quote saying
”you are never so lost that your Angels don’t know where you are” … I found this really comforting, and what ever your faith/belief you can relate it to that. Someone knows where you are and you are hear for a purpose, this is all just part of the process, the journey.
I would say right now you really need to give yourself some serious self care. A lady on here once posted about taking care of yourself like you would a small child and its a great analogy.. or maybe how you would care for a wounded animal. You would be gentle and give it love, you would ask what it needed and give it hugs and nourishing food and let it rest and relax, you would sing to it and dance and just be.
It does get easier but it does take work and investment in yourself. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows, so if you are always thinking of him you are not putting any energy into you and your life.
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life.
Even one thing a day to change things from a negative to a positive will set you on the right path.
Keep posting and reading the forum, stay connected
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Unsettled]

Thank you both so so much!
Lately I’ve been journaling and trying my best not to stay in bed depressed with my own thoughts although I do have moments of the day I find myself sinking back to those
Thoughts. I’ve ended the relationship and but still keep in contact as he has previously mentioned and made it a point to show me he will self harm. This has become an issue I feel like I can’t get out of. I want him well and healthy regardless of how he’s made me feel. I never know what type of reception I’ll receive from him and since I’ve left him it’s all about how he wants me back and he wants to marry me and basically painting a perfect image of the life I would of planned for us, it makes me feel weak and like the relationship ending is all my fault and I feel useless and unsure of myself constantly. Does anybody have advice as to how I can control this?

Thank you both for your kind words I really needed to hear it, it’s been so long since I’ve felt heard and to know that somebody else has gone through a similar journey xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi unsettled, you cannot control what he says or does, he is the one controlling things still. My best advice is no contact, block him on everything.
Well done on leaving. Its the best thing for your safety and sanity however hard it is.
He is trying to draw you back in with empty promises that I and many of the ladies on here would of heard also. The promises of an illusion, the life you hoped for but will never get. The self harming is designed to make you feel guilty and its working. As difficult as it is, and it’s difficult please block him and do not respond to any calls or texts from him. Reach out to womans aid or similar and get some support in place for you. Talking things through with someone helped me alot especially in the early stages of leaving when your still wondering if you did the right thing. Believe me you did the right thing. This man will not change however he may say he will. Stay safe x

[Unsettled]

Hi sleepy pigeon,

I think your right I need to just block him and move on, it’s extremely hard and he begs for contact with me but like you said for my own sanity and safety it’s for the best. Could you help me on how to reach out to women’s aid for support for myself. I have nobody I can really talk to or know anywhere that deals with these situations. I’d love to be able to talk one on one with somebody who can show me the process of getting out and moving on completely.

Thanks for taking the time out to reply x

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi, im so sorry I did not see your reply until now. How are you? Have you been able to get in contact with your local womans aid? If you go on to the website or Google womans aid in your area you will get a contact number, there is also an online chat facility available. I hope you have been able to find someone for some “one to one” help. Stay safe, take care x

[Hawthorn]

Hi Unsettled,

Really well done on leaving the relationship and staying so strong. You are very brave to reach out, keep it up, you need and deserve support and you will find understanding here.

Threatening self harm or suicide is a classic abuser tactic. I experienced it for years in my relationship, it is how he controlled me, made me feel to blame for all the problems he and our relationship had. I was completely brain washed into believing that his actions were my responsibility, that it would be my fault if he hurt himself. It was brainwashing and not reality. We are all only responsible for ourselves and our small children if we have them.

For your own healing and recovery blocking him on everything and going no contact is the way forward. His voice is in your head, you need time and space to rediscover your own voice and you cant do that with him messaging you constantly and controlling you from afar. If he threatens self harm call 999 for a welfare check. If he is suffering so severely from mental health issues that he is contemplating self harm that is a medical issue and needs to dealt with by professionals, not by you.

Focus on yourself. If he had not abused you you would not have left. You owe him nothing and he is not your responsibility. Stay strong and keep reaching out here. Good luck xx

[Unsettled]

Hi hawthorn, you are completely right. His voice is still inside my head. A friend once said to me that anything he does after I leave him is completely his choice. I do agree and believe that but it just still feels wrong to leave somebody struggling. However for myself I need to be a little selfish and walk away.

Still feel brainwashed. To be told and to come back to reality that it is actually abuse is so out of sorts to me. It’s like I’m having a hard time believing that’s what our whole relationship was. It’s heartbreaking but super unhealthy now I’ve been away from him a few weeks I can see a little change in myself

[gettingtired]

Hey Unsettled,
My partner has a history of threatening suicide and telling me I’ll have to live with the consequences etc. Naturally, I’m now concerned that when I leave, the suicide threats will start. However, I recently spoke to Supportline who told me that if I left him it would be his responsibility, not mine. That as an adult he is responsible for his own behaviour and his own life. They said that obbiously nobody would want anyone to take their own life but if he did that is his choice. There are alternatives but it would be his choice, his decision, his responsibility and not mine. They also said that what he is doing is emotional blackmail.
Although I know, like you, I’d still be upset and worried that did make me feel a bit less responsible xx

[Unsettled]

Thank you for sharing. I completely understand how you’ve felt. It’s such a scary thing to think about when thinking of leaving. It is most definitely emotional blackmail and hell even threaten to hurt himself and say “but that’s not me trying to blackmail you”

It’s now becoming easier to ignore what he’s saying and it not feel like every word he says is burning through my mind and causing chest pains ect. He’s twice my age and I can’t have this all on my chest anymore.
Thank you so much for your advice it’s so comforting knowing somebody else has had a similar experience x

[Author]

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