Hi I’m new

[Orchidblue]

Hi
I’m new to the forum. I have posted once before. I’m totally lost again I’m convinced I’m the issue I’m the one that is the abuser. My heads a mess my memory is poor. I just need some support I feel like I’m goin mad.
He left the relationship last (removed by moderator) constantly arguing it got to the point where I was scared to say anything wrong about anything I’ve been with him such a long time and have (removed by moderator) kids. I don’t even know where to start my mind is just blank most of the time he’s called me all sorts of names and moans constantly that I don’t come on to him that he don’t get enough sex but I don’t want sex cus of the way he’s been towards me. I can’t have an opinion I can’t have a discussion about anything without him saying the I’m wrong for example he’s (removed by moderator) he flipped at me saying I’m never satisfied always moaning and I’m told to be thankful for what he does for me he says he works hard to give me what I’ve got but I’m never satisfied. After the silent treatment I’ll end up asking him if he’s ok try to make conversation and he’ll just start going on about what I’ve done wrong has digs about me playing my games or whatever hobby I do, he makes me feel uncomfortable treading on eggshells cus I know somethings coming. I get annoyed with him making me feel like s**t and I’ll ignore him when he’s shouting at me or I’ll go to my bedroom to remove myself from the situation. A couple of days go by but I know how these arguments always end. He wants sex I don’t cus of the way he is towards me but I learnt from past experiences with him if he don’t get what he wants I’m treading on eggshells until there’s another row and I just can’t take anymore. Is he abusing me? He says it’s the other way round I hate him for the way he’s made me feel. Please help me make sense of this ty

[KIP.]

He’s is abusing you one hundred percent. Gaslighting you and blaming you, keeping you spinning. Verbal abuse. Destroying your self confidence and self esteem. All tactics to wear you down. Talk to your local women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Scared to say anything, him constantly changing the goal posts. If he’s left I’d speak to a solicitor and change the locks if you can because you can bet he will be back. Abuse makes us feel like the crazy one but it’s his behaviour towards you and he chooses to abuse you. Then he leaves the relationship like it’s you that’s the problem, this one confused me for years because normal decent people would accept responsibility for their actions, not abuse someone then blame them for the abuse. It’s mind blowing dysfunctional behaviour and it will destroy you x

[Lisa]

Hi Orchidblue,

Welcome to the forum. You’re doing the right thing by coming back here to get perspective from other women who have experienced the same kind of coercive and controlling behaviour that, as KIP mentioned, wears you down.
Listen to and trust your gut; if you are feeling like ‘walking on egg shells’ all the time, there is most definitely something wrong. Also, you mention you hate the way he’s made you feel. This also is enough of a reason for you to step back and seriously evaluate whether you are able to continue being in such a relationship. You also do not ‘owe’ anyone an explanation as to why you may make the decision to leave such a relationship, and certainly you do not need to validate this to him. He will only twist facts and confuse you into believing you’re in the wrong.
You can speak one-to-one with a domestic abuse support worker in more detail about how you are feeling and go through any options you may have. You can search for your local here.
Do keep posting and take care,

Lisa

[Orchidblue]

Thanks for your support Kip and Lisa. The problem I have is his name is on the tenancy and he’s refusing to have it took off so he can return anytime he likes not sure if he will I havnt gone this far before we’ve always got back together. The only way I can keep him away is if I press charges for “Rape” I still can’t get my head around that! but the detective I spoke to about everything that was happening said that is what it is. I’m having a lot of moments where I just can’t take any of it in and believe it’s abuse. I get angry that I can’t control how I’m feeling cus my emotions/feelings are all over the place. Thanks for listening love to all x

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice and you could ask for a non molestation order or occupation order to prevent him from returning to the property. Rights of Women offer free legal advice via their helpline and they have a website. I reported my ex for rape. It’s so hard to believe it was that because I minimised it to cope. Rapists are often serial and have done it before so there may already be women who have reported him. Talk to victim support and definitely your local women’s. Aid. Gather that support network around you and be kind to yourself x

[Author]

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