Hi I’m new

[Redpanda123]

Hi I’m new. Apologies for the long post. But I’ve just gone back into therapy and wanted to give context of the reasons why.

I had an abusive and neglectful childhood. A parent with a mental illness and violent. Car accident (detail removed by moderator) mother  (detail removed by moderator).
Father Imprisoned (detail removed by moderator). Police alarms etc. Mother married a (detail removed by moderator) violent man. Had been in prison (detail removed by moderator).  Never saw either parent again. Both now deceased. I had a (detail removed by moderator) emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship going on and off (detail removed by moderator). Still tries to contact me or unnerve me after (detail removed by moderator). Then a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship where I was almost raped, but defended myself and was beaten up. This was(detail removed by moderator) ago. (I recently saw him on a dating site) I entered psychodynamic therapy for (detail removed by moderator) after a years bereavement counselling when my mother died. I nearly got engaged and moved, within (detail removed by moderator)  of meeting this person. He turned out to have (detail removed by moderator), a Coke habit and worked in (detail removed by moderator).  Criticised how I washed, brushed my teeth and other things. I then went out with someone who went off with someone else, he also disrespected me. I went into counselling for a further year. I had further bad relationships with liars, men who were married, engaged, lied about it. Also a con artist. I went back to interpersonal group therapy.(detail removed by moderator). My father died and I was bullied at work (detail removed by moderator)whilst having therapy. It was extended. We became friends after therapy ended. However. (detail removed by moderator). I felt so betrayed. I met a man I liked (detail removed by moderator) ago. After chatting at a table, he followed me (detail removed by moderator) to kiss me. I stayed in his room (detail removed by moderator). didn’t have sex, but did a few things. He called me a (detail removed by moderator) said we could watch porn. This unsettled me a bit. Then he dropped me off he’d had to fight to get to see his kids and said (detail removed by moderator). Then he criticised his ex, said(detail removed by moderator) which sent alarm bells off. He said (detail removed by moderator) He came round (detail removed by moderator). He said (detail removed by moderator), which I thought was strange, and (detail removed by moderator). He also said he (detail removed by moderator) (I took all these to be criticisms). He criticised his ex again then left and said (detail removed by moderator). I felt awful. The next day. He sent a text saying (detail removed by moderator).

I went away (detail removed by moderator). I messaged him whilst(detail removed by moderator), he didn’t respond so (detail removed by moderator) I blocked him. Then I met someone (detail removed by moderator), older (detail removed by moderator). He lived in another country. I arranged to go and see him after the holiday and went (detail removed by moderator). He was horrible. Got so drunk (Detail removed by moderator)

So my point, (detail removed by moderator), present day. Don’t know why, I set up a fake account to look him up. Says he’s in a relationship. I was gutted. I sent him a letter, saying (detail removed by moderator) I apologised if my actions at being upset myself, upset him and wished him well for the future. He blocked it straight away.I then spent a week crying, increased my antidepressants, have gone back to therapy. I joined a mental health forum, this forum. I read the Freedom project and started “why does he do that”

I don’t know why I still get hooked with these men who show do little care, compassion and cruelty. But I’m back on another journey. No dating, healing. The last (detail removed by moderator) have been horrendous and I think my tablets have hopefully started to work, as I’m feeling better than I have. I’ve been terribly depressed. Thanks for letting me spew and try snd make sense of this.

[Lisa]

Hi Redpanda123

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about everything you have been through, I hope it helped to share it.

I hope you find the therapy helpful, and I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and leaning on all of the support available.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Redpanda123, hi chicken I can empathise on the abusive mentally ill parentage and multiple abuse relationships, sadly when all we’ve know is dysfunction( and that’s a understated way of describing it) we know no better, we approval seek, we forgive when we should walk away, we try and understand the nonsensical, we know no better, we’re reliving the patterns of our upbringing, we also apologise to the people who hurt us without questioning if it should be the other way around, we are just desperate to be loved and cared for,for what we lacked in early years, I’m glad you’ve done freedom and it does sound like you are picking up on the red flags now, your here your on a good forum, it’s time for a new start for you, a better start, and a better future, you can’t change the past and the trauma and memories but you can start from now to know you deserve better and not accept less than, even if it means being on your own for a while, self esteem is the important thing now and letting go of what and who doesn’t benefit your life and wellbeing in a positive way 🤗💝🤗

[Redpanda123]

Thank you Lisa and Auriel. I know I have further healing to do and build my self esteem. I had done lots of therapy and thought I can do this now. Obviously not.I still don’t trust my instincts as I think I’m too hyper vigilant sometimes and I have trouble standing up for myself if someone says something I don’t like or agree with, or if they’ve confused me. I’m reading “Why does he do that” and have screenshot a list of books someone else added on the forum. 😘😀😀

[Anonymous]

Redpanda123 the hyper vigilance stage can be one of the hardest after coming out of a situation, if I ever disagree with someone I just say your entitled to your opinion + I’m entitled to mine or we’ll just agree to disagree and if “anyone” tries to confuse you just know they are trying to get a reaction, there are a lot of ‘toxic’ people in this world (you’ve probably already realised this)maybe also speak to the gp (if not already) as anxiety is so common after abuse (so is p.t.s.d) you take care and self care 🌸🌷🍂

[Redpanda123]

Hi Auriel thanks

I had a 3 hour psychiatrist appointment (detail removed by Moderator) as I had an accident whilst (detail removed by Moderator) for work. I damaged my pituitary gland, so now have to take steroids and growth hormone for life. I also had a shoulder operation in (detail removed by Moderator), still have pain in my knee and lower back. I had a steroid injection in my sacroiliac joint. I told him my history etc. He’s assessing the impact of my accident psychology. As I’ve ended up at A & E 4 times with panic attacks. Three because of an ex boss.(bully)

I meant being hyper vigilant when dating. I have a pattern of I think seeing red flags, but not sure, then I dump the person. But then I go back, apologise and say I was triggered. Or if someone has treated me badly or ghosted, I become extremely upset, despite their behaviour being bad. I feel abandoned again. I don’t know if I’ve pushed good men away, or I did see red flags, just didn’t trust my gut. Still work to do. Thank you for your good advice.

[Anonymous]

Aw redpanda123 that sounds horrendous you’ve been through so much physically and emotionally and it can get confusing knowing if its a red flag or a trigger, if something or someone doesn’t feel right it can be a sign your system is trying to tell you something, when I enter something new I’m gonna trust what my system tells me and not mention any previous abuses (even though tempting) learn to care for and love you 1st and foremost and please keep us posted on how your health/how your feeling and if your concerned about a new potential partner, the girls on here won’t put you wrong, take care 🌹🌺🍂

[Author]

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