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    • #44417
      Flossy
      Participant

      Where do I start, so much going around in my head. Met my now ex a couple of years ago. Very charming man, very attentive, passionate and he completely swooped me off my feet. A few weeks later and boom!!!I don’t even know what triggered his rants, I really can’t remember!! It started with shouting, throwing around accusations about me cheating in him, not caring about him, not ring committed and how he had been subject to a very rough upbringing by his father. He paced the floor, talked to the wall,he spoke about ALL of his exs and how they had cheated on him. It scared the hell out of me at first but I’m a patient and understanding person so I calmed him down, reassured him that I would ever cheat on him, how I was sorry that he had such a bad childhood. This lasted approx 5 hrs long. I was worried, confused and scared but somehow I decided I was going to help him rather than get the hell out. Why did I do it!!!! I realise now but only since the last few weeks what he has done to me over the period of our relationship. In this time together, he has left me more than 20 times, blocked me via mobile, all social media, and in person. He has pulled me away from my friends, family and almost my 2 children, my volunteering, my work. He has name called, been spiteful, cheated on me. He bought things and took them away each time telling me I used him, I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t committed. He has used every aspect of my life against me. His rants as i cal them (outbursts of anger, pacing the floor, accusations and blame)would last anything from 1 to 20 hrs and then he would leave. He has hurt me not with his fists but pushing, shoving, name calling until until recently and his anger was used against me in sex.He hurt me so much I was bruised in the vaginally area for a week. He never apologised once for anything he did. We split not so long ago..his move. He is now in a new relationship. I let him go, I’d had enough but I feared his next move. Over the last few weeks I’ve realised it’s controlling my life, his words are forever in my head, everything I once enjoyed has been taken from me or tarnished by this man. I’m in contact with 2 of his exs, they experienced the same but violence too. I decided to go to the police , they came yesterday. A detective is coming today because he keeps coming back telling me how well he is doing and how he only wanted the best for us all. Yesterday I broke down, 2 weeks ago I nearly took my own life because I just couldn’t cope any longer. I felt like i was worthless and still do. Everything i do I feel useless, blamed for the slightest thing,I have lost all confidence, my family, my friends and I don’t think it will be long before my job too. I’m dreading today when the police come again. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t know how I fell for his lies, his deceit. I can’t understand why someone would want to hurt me in such a way. How and why when I’ve done nothing wrong!! I was pointed in the direction of domestic violence, I’ve read all the comments on here. I recognise now everything described I’ve been subjected to in one for or another. I’ve not spoke to anyone until yesterday. I’ve got so much anger and hurt inside. I tried the domestic helpline but only got the answer machine. I’ve tried talking to friends but just tears I couldn’t speak. I thought. It would take ne forever to explsin in detail whst i experienced. I just hope you can understand me. might have had some relief this morning after talking to the police yesterday but I haven’t. Will I find a way to get through this all??

    • #44423
      Confused123
      Participant

      Morning lovely

      cause we can understand you, u will got laods of support of us on here. Exhauseted is esactly what they do to us, they some how brain wash us and we fall for all their lies while they destroy us , i didnt think people liek this existed, but apparently there are loads out there. it is a massive shock tot he system how they destroyn all our self esteem and walk off into a new life themselves. Firslty be greatful he walked out on u, if u havent already block him on everything , they love messing with out heads. wanted the best for u smy a*s, did he . Again that line is just to confuse u and make u think maybe they were not that bad.

      Do not feel embrassed at all about talking to the police, reality is it happened and they need to be reported, officers are actually used to hearing the stuff. Reach out for support on here, call the help line and ask what other agencies can help u, take counselling up that helps loads just talking about it and processing what happened with someone that understands and knwos how to ask the right questions and make approptiate comments.

      REbuild yourself, i am x years out and still rebuilding myself, no matter how much we want to press the fast forward button, thee things take time and process in their own way. Take extra vitamins to keep your energy, if u can’t face gym start with small walks and build up, it used to help me loads to clear my head , try and eat healthy, all the junk food just makes us more tired

    • #44436
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Flossy,

      So sorry to hear what you have been through, it sounds like the sadly typical cycle of abuse with them starting off attentive, charming, super keen and then they start to change, you just feel so confused, think you must have done something wrong and want to work through it, and before you know it you’re in the abuse cycle without even realising.

      My ex was also a pathological liar and a cheat and like Confused said above, I had no idea people like this existed, I assumed that the vast majority of people were normal and honest and just wanted a healthy relationship. I too could not make sense of someone who was meant to care about me, someone who had the closest position to me in life, was actually trying to hurt me, it was the most painful and confusing thing I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I too was suicidal but it does get better once you get some distance from them and start looking after yourself and slowly rebuilding yourself.

      I think it’s brilliant that you spoke to the exes and reported him, because not only is it the right thing to do, it also will hopefully help protect future women he dates. Maybe the exes could back you up to the police so they can see the pattern building up. The more of these men that get reported the better, abuse thrives in silence.

      I went to the police too and it was scary and upsetting but I’m glad I did, my ex got a warning and is no longer allowed to contact me which is such a relief. Just make sure you speak to the domestic abuse team if possible as I found the regular police didn’t seem to understand much about the non-physical side of domestic abuse and in their ignorance they said some things which made me feel worse.

      You are not worthless, this is the abuser’s voice inside your head. Eventually his voice will get quieter as you start to fill up your life with you again, positive people and friends, but you need lots of support so seek it out. Do a search for your local domestic abuse team too, mine have a helpline which is a lot less busy than the national one and they gave me a very nice outreach worker who still supports me. There are also support groups and the courses on understanding what has happened to you and how to recognise warning signs in future (like the freedom programme and power to change).

      Sending you a hug, keep strong. xx

    • #44452
      Flossy
      Participant

      Thank you both for replying. He has many examples but these two also tried to police and prosecution but failed. He seems to slip through the system more often than not. Each day new evidence comes to light. Each day I find out about the cruel acts he committed. The only thing in my favour is that the law has changed and via my volunteering I have a closer connection to the police. His family member seems to think that’s why he hasn’t used his fists on me but I feel his anger was heading that way and that would have been the next stage. As I read through the traits of a cont psychopath, he has all the same. The process of the abuse has a regular pattern, every 6 to 8 weeks. I’m battling with my emotions and trying to see positives. No matter how much someone tells me it’s not MY fault I have so much doubt inside. If I didn’t ring as soon as I finished work there was hell to pay, if I was at the shop too long, I couldn’t have a bath without days of arguing. I had to have a shower and a quick one at that. If I nodded off after an exhausting day he would keep waking me up, constantly picking at my home, my finances, my car

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