This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  maddog 6 days ago.

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  • #107800
     Mumtotwo 
    Participant

    Hi I’m a mum of (detail removed by Moderator) to my son who’s (detail removed by Moderator) and my daughter who’s (detail removed by Moderator), my daughter has autism and i believe my son has Autism as well as ADHD. I’ve been with their dad for (detail removed by Moderator) years and for most of those years, he was violent even when i was pregnant with both of my children. He’s mainly left with bruises but he’s given me black eyes cuts split lips, he’s hit me with different stuff around the house like a brush, he’s ripped up both (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) memorial cards and thrn. We’ve had the social services and the police involved the second time the social services came round they said if they had to come back they would take a more in depth look at what’s going on, which he has now started to use to use against me saying if i call the police again they’ll take the kids away. Recently he’s not hit me but he still gets verbally abusive and throws things at me, he’s also started taking it on our son by “telling him off” but some of things he’s said to him has been downright vile. Worse still his mum doesn’t see what he does is wrong unless it’s against my son, i don’t feel i have anyone to talk to my own mum is dealing with her own issues and is more concerned about my brother. I feel like I’m backed into a corner at the moment because even though I’m the lead tenant he always tells me to leave and go back to my mum’s, even though his mum lives (detail removed by Moderator) away i don’t really want to have to leave the area because my daughter not long started school and because of her autism she would find it difficult getting into a new routine and on top of that I’m also worried about money, i don’t know what to do atthis point, as well as doing everything for my kids he also expects me to do everything else and if i sit down to relax for a few minutes I’m called bone idle and lazy despite the fact i do more than him. I hope this makes sense and sorry for rambling on.

  • #107802
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Believe it or not, you have some power here. If you feel strong enough, you can call the Police again and report the abuse. Children’s Services are already on the radar. Your abuser is letting you fear the kids will be taken from you. The only reason they will be taken from you is if you cannot protect them. By doing nothing, you are not protecting them. By doing something and reporting the abuse, you are protecting them. Your abuser is likely to be the one removed, not you, not the children.

    Report his abusive behaviour and get the protection from the authorities that you need.

    Have a look at a Topic that has been recently bumped up today, you should find it on Page 2 of Topics, it is called Controlling and Coercive Behaviour, What The Police Can Do. Your abuse is physical too,(throwing things at you is physical violence) so there is so much that can be done to support you and get this man away from you and your children.

  • #107807
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    I totally agree with the advice given. You will be on the Social services radar to protect you and your children, so yes – get help! Chances are he will not be allowed va in the house and as Long as you are separated you will be given support.
    The issue would be if you get on the radar but proceed to stay with him / you are then keeping your children in an unsafe environment.
    By doing nothing you may be taking a bigger risk – what is someone else (school, neighbour) raises the alarm? You’d then be on the back foot.
    I know it’s not easy but I’d say take control. This is a toxic environment for your kids – they are going to be affected by what they see and hear. Would you want you son to see this man as a role model and turn out like him?
    Prioritise you and your children. If the authorities intervene and he is affected he only brought it in himself x

  • #107814
     Mumtotwo 
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies. If i get him removed will they place him with his parents? I don’t care where he goes but they’re having problems themselves and his mum is more likely to say that they can’t have him there because of housing issues.

  • #107816
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    No one will place him anywhere, it’s up to him to find somewhere to go to. The main thing is to get him away from you and the children and to protect YOU and the CHILDREN. As long as they take some action that means he can’t come back to your home then that is all the authorities are bothered about. He’s a grown man, he can sort himself out.

    Now I know that us ladies are so caring and empathic that we tend to feel responsible for our abusers, and the fact that he has nowhere to go makes us feel that we can’t perhaps see him without a roof over his head and we reassess the abuse. Perhaps it’s not really that bad? Perhaps we can put up with a bit more? Perhaps if I try harder to please him it will be better?

    We’ve all tried that tactic, and guess what? It doesn’t work. So don’t feel sorry for him and worry about his future accommodation. Feel sorry for yourself and your children, and if you can’t yet find it within yourself to put your needs before his, then feel sorry for your children. They have to live with this abuse too, and they haven’t got a choice. They are too young to leave, they are too vulnerable to leave. They need you to make the choice for them.

    You can make that call to the Police this evening you know. You can report that abuse and they can arrest him for the assaults on you tonight. He could have conditions to stay away from your home by the morning and you will have Children’s Services engaging with you and supporting you by Tuesday (hopefully Monday even.)

  • #107830
     maddog 
    Participant

    It sounds awful and terrifying for you and the children. We are bound so much by Fear, Obligation and Guilt. These things stop us in our tracks. His behaviour is absolutely NOT your fault. The police should have a Domestic Abuse department and it’s really worth speaking to them and they can guide you to all the support and help out there. It’s a horrible revelation.

    Please remember that Social Services should be there to support you and your family.

    Well done for speaking out and well done for recognising that you don’t have to worry about where he goes.

    There’s plenty of scaffolding around to keep you going while you move on from abuse.

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