Hi I’m new here.

[Butterflyz]

Hi, I’m new here.
I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for a really long time and we have a child together.
He is abusive to me in many ways and it is starting to impact on our child. More recently he has started with the controlling and bullying on them. He doesn’t physically hurt us in any way.
I can’t see a way out. I feel stuck. We own our home together, I am financially dependant on him at the moment. I just don’t know where to begin.
I feel so sad and guilty that our child is in this position and I have no clue what to do. I feel terrified to reach out and what will happen after I do.
I’ve had a full day or verbal, mental and emotional abuse from him today and I just feel I’ve completely hit rock bottom.(Detail removed by moderator)  he was screaming and shouting at both me and our child – (detail removed by moderator)  he has been showering them with gifts (detail removed by moderator) whilst keeping up with his attack on me. I just feel so low.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel…Butterflyz,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting, it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what is going on, however this is the first step in your road to a better, happier, & safer life.
Have you spoke to anyone at women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline?
Do you have anyone around you who you can trust and who can support you?
You will find loads of support and advice from the wonderful ladies on here so remember you are not alone now.
It’s natural that you feel sadness and guilt that your child is experiencing this to and they will be effected by it so the quicker you can act the better.
Don’t focus on those negative emotions though, now you know there is a different way I am sure you will do your best to get there for the sake of you and your family.
You need to start thinking of an escape plan, sorting out any paperwork etc and getting what you need out of the house if you can, however it is just stuff and can always be replace, but just start to think of your options.
Also to be able to leave and stay left you need to empower yourself from the inside out, so start doing as much self love work as you can and putting your energy into yourself rather than keeping your focus on him, this will just drain you.
Keep safe, keep posting and stay connected
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Butterflyz]

Thank you Darcy,
I haven’t spoken to women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline yet. This is my next step hopefully.
I have family who would support me. I have left before but came back. I felt like a burden on them at the time. I know of course I wasn’t and they would help me again in a heartbeat if they know how the situation is now. I just keep everything quite close to my chest.
I had no plans in place the first time I left and I actually felt guilty for leaving him – why I don’t know.
I just need to find the courage to reach out. I need this time to be different.
Butterflyz xx

[Darcy]

My darling, I left my ex partner and then went back, what was different when I left the second time was that I was mentally and physically strong.
The first time I left in panic and was scared, I was shaky and not earthed or grounded.
When I went back to him I turned the focus off him and onto me and put all my energy into myself and giving myself what I needed, love and attention from me.
I started to practice yoga and read all I could to do with self help and positive thinking, I cleaned up my diet and got out in nature to exercise as much as I could.
None of this is easy, especially living with an abuser but any little change will make a big difference. I use to sneak into the bathroom and do yoga, just for 5 minutes if that’s all I had!
It’s great you have family to support you, I know when you are living with abuse you keep everything to yourself but if your family are willing to help you use this support and in no time you will be building a new life for yourself.
Reaching out on the forum is a great first step, now just start reaching a little bit further.
Love and Support
D xx

[Dolphintale]

Hi I’m new here too I have ADHD and struggling with the site mechanics I can’t figure out how to post. I lived with my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years and he was lovely to begin with then I got pregnant after being told (detail removed by Moderator) years earlier that it was almost impossible for me to get pregnant. Cue the accusations of lies and telling me to get rid me bawling my eyes out everyday and finally refusing to do that and gave birth to a daughter. Cue financial manipulation and feeling trapped. I was desperate to get back to work to earn my own money. Cue post natal depression. I started working cue the you work less than me the housework is your job tactic. Can’t cope with tantrums of child cue it’s all your fault we weren’t ready and withdrawing from providing support with childcare whilst I am around so it’s always my responsibility to do anything she needs. Cue the main type of depression. I get pregnant again cue the same tactic as before cue me trying to kick him out. Of course the landlord sees that we are equal joint tennants and refuses to help me. I say no to intimacy and he tries again I am conscious of our daughter next door asleep and our son in his next to me type cot literally right next to us. He refused to stop when I don’t physically respond to his advances. So I turn over and give in and allow him to get what he wants so the children don’t hear anything unsavory happening. (detail removed by Moderator) later I am bitter and he is increasing his rudeness and verbal abuse. Our child tells hi. You’re being rude to mummy say sorry. He says no he’s not and that ends that. Our daughter goes towards the kitchen whilst I’m feeding our son and he hasn’t closed the baby gate she ends up touching (detail removed by Moderator). He bawls at her why are you in here what did you just touch clearly more bothered that she is apparently being naughty than that she might have hurt herself. (detail removed by Moderator) I walk in and our daughter is cowering away from him clutching her hand and looking very distressed at her daddy. I ask if he checked her hand for any hurt he said I’ve o it just turned it on she should be fine. I look and she has white blisters on (detail removed by Moderator) fingers of that hand I provide the first aid and he becomes affectionate oh I’m sorry you hurt your hand. Putting the blame on her. I tell him e should have closed the baby gate he rages that how could he know she was going to go in there and try to touch the (detail removed by Moderator). She shouldn’t be going in there. Then he makes the excuse that he’s taking (detail removed by Moderator) which he shouldn’t be as a recent fall visit to a and e prompted a dr to tell him to take normal over the counter medication I.e paracetamol. We argue so much and he denies his responsibility so much I say we are going to the drs to get her hand checked. I put children in the pram and leave he says wait I’ll get ready and come with you I said no I don’t want you to come with me. I go straight to the police station and make a complaint and show her hand and we never go back alone. I tell them we need things to get us by for a while and he threatened he would have to sell everything BF to get his portion of the cost of it all back as he paid half of every item the children have. Or he wants me to give him his money back that he spent on it all. Then he says cos you’re the one leaving does that mean I don’t pay maintenance?!! I gave him the choice either you leave the family home so the children stay In their home or I go with the children. He said why don’t you just go and I said no the police advised I take the children with me. Or you go he refused and deliberately made his children homeless. I will never forgive him for that. We now live in a refuge. 😭😭. I just want someone to understand and tell me that I did the right thing I feel so guilty for leaving and not having the strength to make him go so the children could stay in their home I’m so lost and confused right now I’m on anti depressants now and I’ve had some counseling but it doesn’t make the negative voice his constant belittling has created in my head shut up 😭😭

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