20th March 2016 at 10:55 am #11902Elsa123Participant
Hi, thanks for reading my story. I worry I shouldn’t be here, I think the violence is quite mild compared to what some people must be going through. I’m just not sure who else to ask for advise, I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends or family.
Some background. My husband has always been quite aggressive and had problems with anger. Early in our relationship he was extremely jealous, always checking up on me and a couple of times was violent- picking me up and pinning me against a wall and smashing in my car radio. He comes from a wealthy but extremely aggressive family (who have also been quite nasty to me in the past) and I know his emotional problems come from this upbringing as he has never known anything different. At my insistence he sought psychological help and has been a lot better. He is always prone to anger, but has been a lot better.
He stopped regularly seeing the psychologist a few years ago and will not accept that he still has anger issues. Recently he has been worse towards me, especially when drunk. Mostly putting me down, things like ‘I hate all your stuff I want to burn it all’ or I hate your horses they should be put down and that I shouldn’t do hobbies I cannot afford (as I said above he is wealthy and I have taken a less lucrative career path in order to bring up our young son so I rely on him for money) and saying how he could have any girl he wanted etc etc. when he’s not drunk he’s over complimentary, saying he loves me almost too much as if he feels guilty.
(Date removed by moderator) I got quite upset at these sort of comments and when we got home asked him to sleep in the spare room. He completely lost it. It started with slamming the doors, breaking the baby gate, ripping up one of my favourite coats. Then he ripped a curtain rail off the wall, threw my phone down the stairs whilst storming around the house saying it was my fault for angering him.
I just don’t know what to do now. Is this a step too far? Should I stay if he will have regular help again and give up drinking or would it be wrong to issue an ‘ultimatum’. If I go it will be hard- I have my own business and a young baby and I could be pregnant again (we were trying) and my family are hours away so work would be impossible from their house. If I forgive him how do I know he won’t do it again, or worse, in future? I don’t want this example for my son!
Any advice would be great, I just feel embarrassed and ashamed to ask my family or tell my friends.
20th March 2016 at 9:54 pm #11980lover of no contactParticipant
Welcome to the Forum. So glad you found your way to this support group. You will get strength and help to leave your abusive relationship and bring up your son in a home free from abuse.
The violence your husband is carrying out towards you is not mild. He is putting you in fear by carrying out this behaviour with your belongings, smashing your car radio, slamming doors, ripping baby gates and ripping your coat. Not to mention the shouting at you, not appreciating the work you do caring for the home and your son and working at your business.
Google the ‘cycle of abuse’ and the power and ‘control wheel.’ You will see that what you are in is not a normal, loving relationship but an abusive one. Even when he’s complimenting you and saying he loves you, that is typical abuser behaviour. Its part of the ‘honeymoon period’ of the abuse cycle. They have to ‘pretend to be nice’ to keep us in the relationship. If they were nasty all the time, we would surely go, but the nice bits in the relationship keep us hoping. But its not really nice its manipulation.
The abuser’s behaviour is a pattern of nasty/nice, nasty/nice. As time goes on the nice bits get less (to non-existent) and the nasty continues. The nasty (violent) side of him is the real him. The nice bit is a mask. Abusers rarely change.
I’d recommend a book ‘Why does he do that-Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft. You will see your husband’s behaviour in the pages of that book and it will strengthen you to break free from him.
Keep posting for support.
21st March 2016 at 8:34 am #11986Elsa123Participant
Thanks for your message. Is leaving really the only option? To be fair to my husband he has really improved & this recent incident is quite out of the blue. The ‘nice parts’ are most of the time now & I do think he is genuinely upset by what he has done and wants to do what he can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I just want to do the right thing, I don’t want to break up our family if I don’t have to! Is recovering from ‘anger issues’ possible?
21st March 2016 at 10:00 am #11992LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post. I am so pleased to see you have had a lovely reply. It does sound like your husband is very abusive both physically and emotionally. I would suggest that you phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline as soon as you have a safe time to talk. You mention that he has had help with his anger issues in the past but he still sounds like a very aggressive man and I think perhaps because you are used to his behaviour you may be minimising it. You do not mention if he is a good father but the resent outbreak would suggest very little regard for a baby sleeping upstairs and the fact that you may possibly be pregnant. Do you have a nice GP you would feel happy documenting what is happening with? It may be useful evidence later down the line. Please do not feel that you would be breaking up the family, it is his actions and behaviour alone that are breaking up the family.
Please keep posting. We are all here for you.
21st March 2016 at 10:23 am #11995Stupidgirl40Participant
Your story has struck such a chord with me. This is not mild and most abusers r nice the majority of the time. I am in the process of divorcing mine after almost two decades. We could go a couple of years with no incidents and he also sought professional help but it never goes away for good. If I had my time again I would get out much earlier. My overusing feelings are guilt for the children that I didn’t stop the relationship before now. Please don’t leave it so long. These men never change and we all hope they will buy they don’t. Don’t waste more of your life on him x
23rd March 2016 at 11:04 am #12124Confused123Participant
Dont feel embrassed its his shame not yours, he is embedding fear in to u, mine did the same, u slowly lose your voice to speak out of fear, it always is our fault, dont waste your life with this man, call the help line on here , google up domestic violence agencies in your area and get guidance how to get away from him, my ex too put the fear inmy head that they had contacts so i could never leave, i left after traumatic 18 years,made several attempts in process, i did it in the end, dont listen to them , be on guard as they can hurt us , get advise without him knowing and make your escape plam
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