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So iv been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years and from the (detail removed by moderator) month the abuse started. It would take all day to write what has happened but iv finally had enough of it all which iv told him. He won’t leave he says he will be to paranoid not knowing where i am. Thing is he still wants sex I don’t so I dread going to bed because I know he will want it. I don’t get turned on at all but still he carried on I feel like I’m being raped I feel so dirty nd used like my life is with living anymore. If I didn’t have my kids I know I wouldn’t be here. He has a community order on him but I’m to scared to call anyone as I don’t want him in trouble with the police etc but on another hand I know I’m going to need a restraining order as he will follow stalk me etc. Would he be able to keep my kids? I’m struggling so bad sick of faking a smile x*x
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Hi Redbird,
Firstly your life is worth living, you have taken a big step by coming on to WA and writing in the forum. This is a very dangerous time for you, as these type of men are most dangerous when we try to leave them. Please contact WA to arrange a safe exit plan for you and your children. Steps can be put in place to keep you all safe from him.
Stay strong, big hugs x
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Hi redbird, you are in such a horrible situation, but you’ve reached out, that’s a start. Can you keep a journal of the abuse, put downs or your feelings in general. Keeping it inside isnt healthy, you may have anxiety and loads of self doubt because of him. These are normal. If something isn’t right it generally isnt.
The sex is his way of controlling you, cos in his mind if you’re still having sex, what he does cant be that bad. Does he always want it after a big fight or abusive time, this is classic trauma bonding. The person who abuses is also the person who shows he loves you.
ive lost my ability to be turned on. Thought it was menopause at first, im still using that but i know that’s not the reason, he is. A woman needs to feel worthy,cherished,safe and loved in order to have sex, at the very least she has to fancy the guy. How can you fancy anyone who makes you feel worthless, useless, that life is hopeless.
We are all here for you. There’s many wise women on here, some of us havent been in abusive situation long, some of us have been decades. The hardest part is letting the secret out, you’ve started your journey. Baby steps sweetheart. No one judges or puts pressure on you to do anything youre not ready or comfortable to do.
There’s enough of that going on in your life the now.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Hi thanks for your support, iv been with him since childhood, The violence has stopped since the court order only because his scared of going to prison,he always says don’t txt me things ring me as he knows it’s evidence against him. I can keep a log as his never really here he works (detail removed by moderator) but still he controls my life my Facebook my family days I have no friends at all he gets jealous of the slightest thing even dads at the school. I have bad anxiety iv had cbt therapy but obviously I never told them about my situation in fear of him. He says he loves me etc but how can he I know I’m done with this relationship there is no feelings there at all for him I just hate him. I hate him even more now his starting making me sleep with him iv called him a rapist but it don’t bother him he just says I’m sleeping with my wife. I’m just so scared of the fallout afterwards as I know he will make my life hell.
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Hi Redbird,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting. You’ve received some good advice above. We understand the multitude of reasons why it’s so hard to end a relationship where there is abuse, and fear of the fallout is a huge one. However once you have separated, the fog will start lifting, you will have some peaceful space without him, and with time you will hopefully feel in a stronger place to cope with any ongoing actions from him. Plus you will be able to access support and guidance.
If you feel you can I think it would be really helpful for you to call the 24 hour freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do, nor pressure you into making any decisions, or tell anyone about your call; it’s just for you to talk through your situation and be more aware of your options. They could talk to you about going to a refuge with your children, as that would enable you to leave to a safe place. You could consider refuge as a temporary option, somewhere to build yourself back up with the right specialist support.
It is possible to make changes and for life to improve for you. Keep posting when you can,
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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