Hi! – Still figuring things out

[Rainbowdream]

Just wanted to say hello and thanks for this space!
I’ve recently started to question things with my partner. How I feel around him, my changes in behaviour and the steady decline of my mental health.
But its all so confusing as nothing is ever direct. He makes comments about my clothes telling me (removed by moderator). He always makes comments about how I love (removed by moderator) while he does everything ((removed by moderator)) I do help out around the house too. He just makes me feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, he gets stroppy about me going out with friends, makes comments about how I love then more than him. That I’d rather speak to other people than him. Says all the time that I obviously hate him.
He gets grumpy with me if I work extra shifts but also has digs about me not contributing financially.
I think the worst is when he started waiting till after a night out and he thought I was asleep and he’d start having sex with me. I was sexually abused as a child and raped (removed by moderator) which he knows about. So I always got triggered and would freeze up. He does things that I have always said no to, leaving me in alot of pain and emotional distress for days after. When I confront him he says I say yes, I agree, I’m into it and how can I blame him for wanting to have sex with his partner. Which makes me question myself all the time.

I feel like my past and my mental health issues make it hard for me to understand if I’m being dramatic, negative and overly harsh to my partner and that everything is actually my fault and I need to stop.
Or if actually things are not okay and that I actually am a bit afraid of him, and anxious when he comes through the door.
So sorry for the long post, feels good to start getting things off my chest.
Thankyou for reading if you have.

[nbumblebee]

Hi and welcome.
So i can relate to your story in every single way.
I was abused as a child, raped as an older teen by family members i still see now and now have a husband who puts me down calls me names wont let me work or go out watched what i do spend accuses me of having affairs is nasty vile thretening and nasty when it comes to sex so I am with you.
Ive been here a year now and still find this hard i still live with him i still pretend this is not happeneing and i still self harm terribly because of him. Ive never tomd anyone not even my husband about my past not until I broke down i now see a counsellor but still no friends what few i am allowed know and certainly not my husband never will i tell him as he will use it against me.
From what i have read you are starting to see how his behaviour towards you isnt right and honestly having sex with anyone wife or not when they either say no or cant say no is wrong its abuse some even say rape and i know how much those words sting when youve been abused and raped before.
Have you been able to talk this through your past the now?
Maybe this is a good start for you get it out you are more than welcome to pm me sweetie i am happy to talk but you could do with talking to someone who understands and can help and advise you. You are not alone here we got you now. You dont have to do this on your own reach out. Take care of you stay safe x

[Rainbowdream]

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced similar things, it’s so hard to know how to process all of that let alone everything else too.
I’ve been I’m and out of different therapies and counselling since i was (removed by moderator|), and currently being treated for my ptsd so hoping those symptoms will ease soon.
I really hope that counselling is helping you to work through and process your trauma, it’s such a hard road, but I know it will be worth it eventually!
It’s really cruel that you are going through this and he is isolating you, I hope you do find support from places like this.

I also find it difficult to view my situation as abuse, as I don’t really know if he threatens me, he doesn’t directly prevent me from doing anything or say things that are obviously cruel. It’s always more subtle and twisted and he just makes me feel guilty like it’s my fault and I’m not good enough and everything I do is never enough.
Thankyiu for your response,stay safe x

[nbumblebee]

Hey dont down play it sweetie he is abusive towards you there is no doubt about that. But its easy to see when you are on the outside I cant see my situation as abuse either and that word just makes my stomach turn.
Mine can be subtle too and oh so sneeky its a tactic they use because it makes us question it makes us feel guilty and it works doesnt it?
I find counselling hard im not good at talking and i often just sit and listen i cant open up, like you said all this is hard. Im glad you are seeking help and hope it will soon begin to help. There are some incredable women on here with amazing stories and first class advise so have a poke around the site like i said the more you read and learn the stronger you will become.
Now is the time to stop down playing what you are living with sweetie trust yourself. Xxxxxx

[Rainbowdream]

Yeah I find labelling things really tough. Almost like a kick in the stomach. Yet I also feel like someone naming it validates things for me.
Im sorry you’re finding things hard at the moment, but hopefully you’re in a position where you have all the time you need and you don’t need to rush through anything. It takes alot of trust to open up and be vulnerable with someone else, but when the time is right, it can help so much.

Thankyou, I’ll start having a look around and hopefully settle in soon.

[Lisa]

Hi Rainbowdream,

First, welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a safe and supportive place to be.

Please know that there is no doubt, whatsoever, that you are experiencing domestic abuse in your relationship – on many levels. Emotional/psychological abuse and control often leave us doubting ourselves as to whether or not we are to blame – even for the abuse experienced. Creating this sort of ‘fog’/uneasiness/anxiety is all part of the abuse. As long as you remain unsure of what is actually happening, the longer your abusive partner retains his control in the relationship.

As nbumblebee has expressed, coming forward here and talking about it more with other women who can relate can be a good start to getting clarity in your situation so you can begin to make positive changes for yourself. Please do not minimise what you are going through. Domestic abuse doesn’t have to be physical to warrant help from others.

Whenever you feel ready and able, you can contact your local domestic abuse service, as they are a good first step in learning of all your options, receiving emotional support, and perhaps making some decisions on how to move forward. They will understand any apprehensions you may have and are not there to tell you what to do. They are there to assure you of your rights and options so you can hopefully feel empowered to take action (and in the safest way possible). They are a free confidential service as well, so use them on-going as you need.

You may find it useful to take part in The Freedom Programme. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

It’s good to hear you are getting therapy for your PTSD. Please do not let your past experiences of abuse make you feel less able to make judgements on your life now. Trust your gut; it’s most always right.

Do keep posting to let us know how you are. You are not alone.

Lisa

[Rainbowdream]

Hi, thankyou.

You seem so certain about it yet I am still so filled with doubt! I guess though if what you’re describing is what’s happening then it would make sense.
Thankyou, I will certainly use some of your information and do some research.

Thankyou, it’s still early days with therapy so things are a bit tricky.
I guess, I’ve been told before by a policeman in a group thing about drugs and alcohol, that he wouldn’t stand in front of a lion just because he had the right to, so if you’re getting drunk and can’t look after yourself it’s like you’re standing in front of a lion.
I think that shattered any kind of queries I had whether it was my fault. Because It was when I was drunk, so I put myself in these situations.

[Watersprite]

Hi rainbow dream – I felt so sad reading the abuse you have faced in childhood and now. You don’t deserve this. It is definitely abuse they do this crazy making thing it’s called gaslighting have a google if safe to do so. Abusers use our vulnerabilities sexual abuse in childhood conditions us to accept it. We minimise it and turn the blame on ourselves and they know exactly what they are doing. Bet he doesn’t behave the same in public ? He knows what he is doing. You are at the start of a journey – please be gentle with yourself. Re police they often only look at what they know they could get through the courts and the evidential threshold is high but No one has the right to your body to do anything to you that you don’t want to be done. Consent is an active choice. You have to be sober enough to consent. You are here for a reason – please be gentle with yourself reach out for support tell your counsellor GP womens aid. You are not alone x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou. I’ve definitely noticed some gaslighting. I am usually really good at remembering details and he will often try to convince me I’m wrong till I’m completely doubting myself.
He doesn’t do as much in public but quite alot of comments still which noone says anything about and always seem to get passed off on banter or jokes. But the fact noone says anything really makes me think I’m overreacting and being sensitive.

I am trying to be kind to myself but I feel like I’m going against all my natural instincts. It’s nice to feel heard and validated here but I still feel like a fraud.
Thankyou so much for your reply. X

[Author]

Posts