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    • #61421
      Fictionromantic
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new to this page and thought I would share my experience with everyone in the hope that it will aid with my ‘recovery.’

      I’ve always seen myself as a strong, independent woman, I moved out of the family home when I was a teen and was able to provide for myself and significant other throughout this. I was always the bread winner and paid all the bills etc. So I was shocked when I realised, some time after the break up, that I was actually the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. It took a long time for me to realise because I hated that word ‘victim’ but I suppose at some point you have to be honest with yourself. I would love to consider myself a survivor but at the minute I feel like I’ve become a victim.

      I met him when I was very vulnerable, I had just broken up with my previous bf who was by all accounts a nice guy. In the beginning I felt like I was in control, I never really had any strong feelings for him. I feel like I kind of just fell into the relationship. As is often the case he started off really nice, attentive but then I would say a few months in the cracks started to show. First thing I noticed was that he referred to all of his exes as ‘psychos,’ I actually knew some of his exes and was shocked to hear his account of them but presumed that he must have had nasty break ups so let it go. Then he became overly clingy, if I was out with anyone he wouldn’t leave me alone, texting and ringing. If I didn’t answer he would argue with me, ask me who I was with, what I was doing, when I would see him. I remember once my phone ran out when I was with my Mam and I panicked because I knew that I would get shouted at, which I did. This got worse and worse through the relationship, I couldnt have guy friends without being interrogated and accused of cheating, I couldn’t go out with friends without being back by a time set by him, if I didn’t answer the phone he would repeatedly ring then shout at me and ruin my time with my friends. Eventually I stopped going out, I convinced myself that this was because I was a loner (which is true to an extent) but really it was just too tiring to deal with the arguments.

      He always made out that he was just worried about me and didn’t want anything to happen to me. Whenever I would question this or tell him he was being controlling he would make the point that he ‘never said no’ which was true but he acted in such an angry way that he didn’t have to explicitly say no. This kind of got into my head as well and I became scared to go outside and developed mild agoraphobia and social anxiety. I used to think he was good at dealing with my breakdowns but looking back I think he relished them because if I was having a nervous breakdown I wouldn’t be going out and seeing my friends and he could monitor me all the time.

      The real thing I’m struggling with, at the minute, is the flashbacks of our sex life. I’ve never had much of a sex drive, I don’t even think I was attracted to him but I would say 90% of our sex life, I felt pressured. If I said no I would get a lecture about how we never had sex and question if I was ‘getting it elsewhere.’ It honestly was like a child having a tantrum so sometimes I would just let him so I didn’t have to deal with the backlash of refusing. I’m really confused by this now because technically I didn’t say no but I still feel violated, like I’ll never be clean again.

      He used to have tantrums about other things as well like if I didn’t give him money for weed or if I asked him for some money to help with bills. He had this weird way of manipulating me, he would talk down to me incessantly and call me all the names under the sun but if I called him out on it he would deny point blank that he’d said it and say I was crazy.

      Near the end I developed severe depression and thought about leaving him. I tried multiple times but he would either threaten to kill himself, punch a hole in the walls of the flat (that I had paid the deposit for) or convince me that my mental health would just get worse without him. It was the loneliest I’d ever felt in my life. Eventually I did leave and weirdly he just let me that time (later I found out it was because he was already chatting to another girl who he is now going out with).

      I am currently receiving help from a private counsellor for my anxiety, she was the one that made me realise that, even though I wasn’t being punched, I had still experienced abuse and trauma. She believes that I may be going through ptsd because of it. I get flashbacks and go into dissociative states. I struggled with alcohol for a while but am currently staying sober and haven’t had a drink in a while. I have a new relationship which is great but I haven’t told him the full story so when I ‘go weird’ he doesn’t understand why but is great at supporting me through it anyway. I find myself getting confused though when he just lets me see my friends with just a ‘OK have a good time, let me know when you’ll be back.’ I don’t think I know what a healthy relationship is and that scares me.

      Another way I’m struggling is the fact that the ex moved on so quickly. I have no feelings for him whatsoever, other than the odd pang of hatred but from the looks of it he’s completely different with her which makes me think I was the cause of it in some way. It’s just unfair that I’m still dealing with the psychological backlash of his abuse and he has no idea what he put me through and will probably never know.

    • #61428

      It is really great to see you here,
      fromantic,
      It can be a bit unusual to get into posting here, so just wanted to say all best
      and keep posting.
      big hug
      ftc
      x

    • #61432
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Fictionromantic,

      Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through. You have described a very abusive and controlling man that has chipped away at you. I’m glad to hear you have accessed counselling, domestic abuse is a trauma and it may take time to recover. You deserve that time to build up your self-confidence again.

      These men target women, I know it must be hard seeing him move on but he will always be abusive to women he is in a relationship with. You have mentioned having flashbacks about the sex. what you have described is non-consensual sex which is abusive. You may find it useful to speak to the Rape Crisis Helpline about this. You can call them on 0808 802 9999. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

      You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

    • #61433
      Anabela
      Participant

      Hello and welcome to the forum 🙂 At some extent I found your story familiar to mine. I guess we all have that in common here, though we have been with different men, our stories are similar.
      I just want to ensure you that you have not been a cause of abuse in any way. Abuser is always an abuser and he does not change (maybe in some exceptional circumstances but with emotional abuse it is even harder to make him see he is in a wrong). It is hard to see him with someone else but if he is nice with her, then it is their honeymoon phase. Sooner or later she will start dealing with the abusive side of him. And you can’t really know how their relationship looks like because to the outside people pretend. Or the downs are masked with the highs and it will be her long journey to realize who he really is and that the lows are not her fault. Believe me, he will not be any different with her.
      I am so glad he is your past and not present and that he let you leave safely. The fact that he had someone else, though painful, turned out in your favor.
      Keep posting here 🙂 this forum is a life safer!!

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