Hi there

[Moonbeam]

Hi, I’m new to this and I never thought that I’d find myself on a survivors forum.

I’m a survivor of emotional and sexual abuse. My ex was my prince charming for the first year of dating and as soon as we moved in he started to change. It started off with little comments about the way I dressed and how I did my makeup (saying outfits I liked made me look like a lesbian). On our anniversary, we went away for a few days, and that was the first time that he raped me. I didn’t think that at the time, but I remember feeling confused and generally not okay about what happened, and he treat it like a joke.
He really tried to split me from my family and friends by making snide comments about them, but blood is thicker than water and he could never sever that bond between my family or friends.

Things ended when I suspected him of cheating on me. I wasn’t clever about it and he could tell I’d snooped at his phone, but of course it led to him shouting abuse at me and accusing me of cheating… basically anything that he could say to hurt me. However I was terrified and still wouldn’t leave. He used to make weird comments about hurting people and getting revenge, and I was scared about what would happen if I tried to leave.

Well after he disappeared for (details removed by moderator) with another woman, he broke up with me. I guess he felt that he couldn’t control me any longer (I was starting to stand up to him by this point), and now he has someone else to manipulate. I can’t really warn her; I mean, would you believe me if you’d met this gorgeous guy who was charming, appeared to listen and had so much in common with you? Would you believe the “crazy ex?” I didn’t, and it ended up being the worst mistake of my life.

I guess I’m here, because I am really struggling with the emotions that he has left me with and I struggle with whether some of the things he did are abusive or is it just me being jaded by ex eyes. I am just so confused, but I’m glad that he is out of my life.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Moonbeam,

Welcome. It’s really positive that you were able to see that the relationship was abusive. It’s amazing how similar all of these men are. I feel the same thinking about all of the women my ex has no doubt duped and hurt since me, and he must have hurt a lot before he met me too. If we have proof we can report them to the police but I’m not sure apart from that that we can save other women from them, because when you first meet an abuser they are charming and seem like your soul mate so they’d probably assume we are jealous (which is what they abuser will tell them). I think maybe some of the women here have warned the next partner, and there is also Claire’s law which helps, but I think the best thing we can do is ensure all women and girls know the red flags of abusers, that way they can decide for themselves and know they are making their own decision and judgement about a new man.

I’m very sorry to hear he raped you. Have you got any support such as counselling? My ex was also an attractive Prince Charming, he seemed like a great man when I met him and by the end I realised he was a violent misogynist.

Just keep sharing your thoughts, read the stories of others, seek out counselling, support groups etc. There are good books too to help you work out your relationship patterns and there is also the Freedom Programme which I intend to do myself soon.

[Moonbeam]

Hi thank you.

I’ve thought about Claire’s Law but I doubt me or the girl he was with before me dared report anything. I know I was too scared in case there were repercussions for my family; he’s a dangerous man. Even I don’t fully know what he’s capable of. I just wanted to say goodbye and never think about the past (detail removed by moderator) years again (easier said than done).

The rape is what I’m struggling with the most. I just get really confused about it. But I’ll get there in time.

Thanks for your advise Sunshine xx

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