His behaviour escalating when I’m ill

[Mime]

The last 5 days have been a harder than usual. I’ve been ill with a chest infection – high temp, coughing, hard to breathe. I thought it was covid but it isn’t- I have a (detail removed by moderator).

His behaviour has escalated to the level that I’m actually finding it hard to take in. He’s shouted at me for undermining him and given me now days and days of silent treatment, in-between berating me for all the ways I’m failing him.

I’m looking after our child – cooking, cleaning, getting up in the night to her when she wakes up, getting her ready for school, doing her tea, bath, bed etc, and all the time he sits on the sofa playing his computer games or watching films and smirking when he sees me struggling or looking daggers at me – with pure hatred.

I’ve tried to be considerate, kind, generous – the usual – trying to appease him, even though I actually feel like death warmed up and sometimes I can barely stand. I asked if he wants a cuddle and he says it makes him shudder, but then he berates me for not being affectionate enough.

I phoned the samaritans (detail removed by moderator) because I felt like couldn’t take anymore – I know if he found out he’d laugh at me and tell me I’m hysterical and a drama queen, like he did last time he found out I’d phoned them. But I feel utterly desperate, and I think of the unthinkable all the time.

(detail removed by moderator) I realised he was smirking when he saw how much pain he’s causing – I’d asked him if we could try to be ok and get on – he said no, all this is my fault, and then he berated me again, and he smirked when he saw me trying so hard to please him.

So now I’ve said I can’t talk to him or be near him for a while – I’ve kept away from him as much as I can and will keep doing so. I’m still ill, hard to breathe cos of my chest, high temp etc. But he says that’s irrelevant – why should he be nice to me just because I’m ill. Sometimes I feel like I’m living with the devil – but then he says I’m causing all our problems because I think badly of him and aren’t nice enough to him.

I’m so sorry for another rambling post- I feel guilty and ashamed when I post because I think I’m a drain on this warm and loving community. I’m sorry if I offend anyone, I really don’t mean to, and I don’t want to come across like a victim, but I have no where else to go just now.

[Pinkvelvet]

You aren’t coming across as a victim, you ARE a victim. I am so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds horrendous. You haven’t mentioned in your post, but are you considering leaving the relationship, or is it something you would consider? It sounds like your mental health is being affected and I know how verbal, emotional and psychological abuse can be agonising and utterly painful to go through. You’re such a strong person, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. The smirking makes him sound psychopathic.

I really hope you get the support you need and get yourself out of this situation when you’re ready. Women’s Aid really helped me really realise my situation for what it was, which was a bitter pill to swallow, but please know none of this is your fault, none of it is healthy, and you are so much stronger than you probably realise. Sending you love, positivity and encouragement. You’re doing great just hang on in there 💕

[gettingtired]

Hello Mime, sorry to hear you’re having such a terrible time whilst being subjected to such cruel abuse.
From what I’ve read on the forum, abusers seem to revel in us being ill or vulnerable.
They change the goalposts continuously and nothing is ever good enough (you mentioned offering him a hug which he refused despite berating you for not being affectionate enough). I get this kind of treatment a lot with my ‘partner’ (I don’t really like using that word as it’s hardly a partnership!).
Have you had any support from your local women’s aid/domestic abuse service? It sounds like you need some extra support as it must be so difficult with you being ill and trying to cope with everything at home.
You’re not a drain on the forum and you’re not upsetting anyone. You need and deserve support, we are all here for you xx

[SingleMomSurvivor]

You’re not a drain and you are not a bother. You definitely aren’t being offensive either. Abusers are good at convincing us that we are all of those things but you are absolutely not any of those things. You are brave for coming here and posting and seeking help. I’m so glad that you are here.

My abusive ex escalated his abuse when I became sick and was in the hospital. He was incredibly cruel to me during my entire hospitalization, accused me of overreacting even though I was in the hospital for a life threatening condition. He gave me the silent treatment during my hospitalization and for weeks afterwards. He yelled and cursed at me in the hospital, told me I was dramatic and worthless even though I was incredibly sick. When I got out of the hospital the abuse continued. He didn’t help me around the house at all, never asked how I was doing, and he became physically abusive.

It’s mind boggling that people actually behave like this and it’s still hard to wrap my mind around the level of cruelty that my ex is capable of. He would also smirk when he saw how upset I was by something that he did. What you’re experiencing is absolutely awful. It is not your fault and his behaviors are a choice he is making. He is choosing to be abusive because he enjoys it. As much as you can, focus your energy on healing and recovering and on being good to yourself.

[Hereforhelp]

Mime, I can hear your despair from your post, you are not a drain, you are being awfully abused by your partner.
Him moving the goal posts (berates you for not being affectionate, smirks when you ask if he would like a hug) is all part of his tactics to abuse and break you down. He will not stop either and there’s nothing you can do for him to make him feel better, as he knows what he is doing and is waiting for you to jump through more hoops (non of which will change his behaviour).

If I hugged my husband, showed him any non sexual affection he would immediately push for sex, whether I wanted to or not, if I was sick and ill in his mind it was a way to get sex (once I was really poorly and in bed, he came in with a predatory look on his face and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to look after me or F*** me, like I had no say.

I really hope you keep posting as we are all here for you and can all relate as been through or going through the same as you 💗

[Author]

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