25th April 2016 at 12:48 pm #15240HealthyarchiveBlocked
I would be grateful for your feedback. I have now been NC for almost 2 months, I am fine with that and have no urge to contact him. I am however still heartbroken about the end of our relationship and believe it will take me some time to get over it. I am keeping busy and trying to move on and look after my mental wellbeing. His daughter in law has contacted me by text saying that he is visiting them this weekend. He did not get along with them and had a turbulent relationship with his son and daughter in law. I got on quite well with them and the three of us would confer about him, they told me that they felt I was too good for him and that they felt he were an idiot! I have been extremely mentally traumatised during our relationship and afterwards. I am clear in my mind that our relationsip is over and I do not want to get back together, I do however think that he has mental health issues which could cause his relationship with his son to deteriorate, devastating my ex. I know how much his son means to him. Last night I drafted an email, friendly and cordial to his daughter in law, but also saying that I think he has mental health problems and what there are and how they brought about the end of our relationship. My purpose behind this was to help them understand him a bit more to strengthen their relationship. My ex has only been in his sons life for a few years, he was brought up by a step father, so they are just getting to know him. My ex would desperately like to build a positive relationship with his son, but due to my ex’s behaviour this will be challenging. I am trying to help my ex. I am uncertain whether to send the email as feel this would open up old wounds for me and cause trouble. I am on my way to recovery after our breakup and I don’t want to know about him and what he is doing, but I do care that he is ok.
25th April 2016 at 1:23 pm #15243SerenityParticipant
I wouldn’t send it.
Your aim is to move on and to find a new identity away from him. You want to free yourself from the spider’s web that it him- and that includes his family.
I am concerned that she emailed you. As you have ended things with him, it shouldn’t be in your interest or good for you to get pulled back in.
Her and her husband’s relationship is their business. They are adults and need to set the terms of their relationship with him. They shouldn’t lean on you for support.
Don’t feel responsible. They are reaching out because maybe they feel you will support them- but they aren’t thinking of your needs, and your need to move on.
I think it’s in our nature to want to help people in distress, but we can forget our own needs too easily, and we let others ignore out needs. I think abuse had taught us what a dangerous road this is to take.
Have no care for our rights or don’t recognise our needs will, to be honest, keep on taking.
Also, I think anything you write could be used against you. Imagine – if now he doesn’t have you- he has decided to lean on his son and wife for support. He could weave a web of lies, and they are such good liars, he might convince them that he was more of a victim than he was. If you right anything damning about him, and he sees it ( if they show him), this could anger him and cause a fresh onslaught of abuse.
You could write her a short reply and simply say that you wish them well, but need space to revolver at this time and don’t feel its good for you to get involved, but you hope they manage to create a relationship that is manageable.
No contact means no contact, and moving on means moving on. If he is abusive, he may even hope that his daughter in law contacts you, as this is another way he can manipulate things to affect or to reach you. Don’t allow him any outlet whatsoever.
You can wish the best for his daughter and son in law without getting involved. They need to learn to stand up to him themselves. You can’t do it for them. X
25th April 2016 at 4:38 pm #15249SerenityParticipant
Hi Healthy Archive,
You can private message me if you like x
25th April 2016 at 9:58 pm #15285Escaped not freeParticipant
Ha I’ve just been reading this. I have been sucked back in so many times you by this method. This is maybe not your daughter in laws intention, they just don’t have a clue what is really going on. I agree. Send a cordial message explaining that you wish them well but for your own sake you need to move on with your healing from this relationship and hope that she understands this will need to mean no further contact….then block her. WHATEVER they pass on to him about what you have said is fuel, which will come back to haunt you. Please please please trust me on this. I know you are desperate to explain and help and have a distant connection to his life that you think is at a safe distance….it’s not. Break ties. Please, beg you, don’t do what I did. I had to cut myself off, heartbreakingly from a very dear friend I was supposed to be bridesmaid for next year. My ex is best man. She thought she understood but really didn’t. I’m talking from experience. I know I sound pushy but you are doing so well and if I could have had someone to stop me when this happened to me I wouldn’t be in the mess I am now. Whatever you decide you need to be comfortable with, I understand. It’s soooooo hard. Much love. Xxxx
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