His family

[Neueranfang]

I left my abuser just over (detail removed by moderator).
After being with him for (detail removed by moderator).He isolated me so much I never had any friends while with him.He didn’t want me to work and my family are all abroad.His family know he abused me emotionally and at times physically.They pretend to understand the reasons I left him but he keeps sending me emails (detail removed by moderator).It’s really painful as I was very close to his family.They were the only people I was allowed to socialise with.I had to give my whole life up in order to leave him and now I’m the one who is hated????
I’ve not done anything wrong.I left my abuser after a final physical attack in front of our children.Now I’m being punished.I know blood is thicker than water but I don’t understand his family.I was there when his nieces/nephews were born.I always took them out with me.I always helped his mum and his dad (detail removed by moderator).I cooked for his dad over the pandemic and did his shopping etc.
It is just not right.I’m really upset 😢

[KIP.]

I went through the same thing. He will be badmouthing and blaming things on you. Sometimes I think from their perspective it’s just easier to side with the abuser for a quiet life. You cannot trust them so better you know now. Try not to take it personally. I had to cut all ties with my abuser and that included my adult son. Look after yourself x

[Neueranfang]

Yes they definitely prefer a quiet life (who doesn’t) and I’m just the bearer of bad news to them…really bad news.They rather don’t have nothing to do with me now instead of hearing what he’s done to me.
(detail removed by moderator)  But I didn’t get a reaction from her.She is completely detaching herself from the monster in him.His sisters don’t want to know either.In fact, they don’t like me anymore because I told their mum about the abuse and I’m also using her as a third party to arrange child contact.The sisters think I’m causing the mum too much stress and I’m selfish 😢

[KIP.]

Shocking victim blaming. It won’t always hurt so much. People who take the side of an abuser have zero part in your life. I’ve had to drop people too. Shame on them. You won’t get the validation your seeking from them but you don’t need their validation. Make sure you’re legally protected and are the resident parent. I wouldn’t trust his mother at all with my child x

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your kind words.That’s exactly what I was trying ti do…seeking their validation.But it backfired because now I’m the selfish one causing everyone too much stress.
I hope it won’t always hurt that much.It is really sad that I had to give up these people that I once was very close to x

[ISOPeace]

I’m really sorry to hear this Neueranfang. You have not only done nothing wrong, you’ve done the right thing. It is always right to remove yourself from a damaging situation and not sacrifice your life and wellbeing for somebody else. It sounds like you said, that his family is detaching themselves from the reality of the abuse. Most likely they cannot accept that their son/brother is such a monster. Maybe your husband’s father was also abusive and they just can’t face seeing a mirror of their own traumatic experience. Maybe they’re scared he’ll turn on them. Maybe he already has and they’d rather his anger is directed to somebody other than themselves.

This is so sad but lots of people want to see abuse as something that happens to somebody else so they don’t have to consider that it might or has happened to them or their relatives. I think it’s a big part of why there is so much victim blaming – if it’s the victim’s fault then we can all avoid abuse by not doing what the victim did or believing that it only happens to certain types of people.

You have done a really brave thing and you’re such a great roll model for your children – showing them the courage to leave teaches them that you don’t have to suffer abuse forever and you don’t have to be controlled by other people. You now have the freedom to build a life for yourself in a way you couldn’t have while he isolated you. With lockdown easing hopefully you’ll make new friends soon. Maybe you could join a Freedom Programme in your area and meet other people in similar situations. I know this won’t solve the problems with your ex and his family but building your own support network will help. Sending love and strength. xxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi Neueranfang,

I can’t imagine that his family will support you. To admit they have an abusive son may mean that they have to reflect on their parenting and they clearly don’t want to do that. I’m not suggesting that it is always bad parenting that raises abusive men but good parents will always refect on how their behaviour affects their children.

It might just be too uncomfortable for them to admit their son is abusive. It’s so much easier to blame you.

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi Neueranfang, I know how painful this is and upsetting when his family turn against you, I had this happen also. Unfortunately as the other ladies have said they will always side with him, they don’t or can’t admit what you say is true.
You have done the best thing for you and your children, hold on to that thought, and that you are free from him. Sending hugs

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies ladies.I’m sorry to hear about your own, similar experiences.
You are absolutely right ISOpeace.
My Ex’s father was very abusive and my Ex mother in law stayed with him for over (detail removed by Moderator) years.Her son is unfortunately just as bad as his dad.All her (detail removed by Moderator) children grew up witnessing domestic abuse in their childhood.Only one (my Ex) turned out abusive himself but sadly they’ve all got other issues to deal with.Like unhealthy relationship with alcohol, drugs.One has got a gambling addiction.
They all won’t say a bad word about their dad but the sisters recognise that their mum will live with the impact of being emotionally and physically abused over (detail removed by Moderator) years for the rest of her life.
My Ex partner downplays domestic abuse as he thinks it is normal.That’s all he has ever seen/known.His mum feels guilty as she stayed with his dad for such a long time and she feels responsible for my Ex and says it isn’t his fault that he is abusive because he doesn’t know any difference.
Well I think that’s an excuse.His sisters and his brother are not abusive towards their partners.Plus I witnessed da as a child and I’m not abusive x*x

[KIP.]

Abuse is a choice. He won’t abuse you in public or in front of people so he knows it’s wrong and he can control it when he wants. He’s an adult and he knows right from wrong and he chooses to abuse you. She can say what she wants to justify his behaviour and protect him but it won’t help prevent his abuse towards you so protect yourself. Cut enablers out the loop x

[Author]

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