27th April 2018 at 10:41 pm #57669
He is from a asian background and me a black caribbbean. In so many words he has said he could tell me the truth but I will show him a lot of hate. He stayed married despute telling me he was going to divorce. He admitted he was never going to divorce her but in so many words admitted he used me for children as his wife struggled to have children.
He still lives here but I think he goes back to the house where she lives frequentlyas its his house. He does not come back late its because I tracked him last year I noticed he was there at work time. He does (detail removed by moderator) so in theory he can go back and I would not know.
I don’t know of he is waiting to run off with our children or what as he shows no affection and seems emotionally manipulative.
Child services are involved dye to an issue with him allegedly hitting her and have said they will go family support route to help me gwt him out as ideally they do not want him around the girls.
29th April 2018 at 10:10 am #57719LisaMain Moderator
Thanks for posting, I can see from your other posts that you’ve got a long and complicated history with your partner. The lies and manipulation by an abuser can become incredibly confusing; however that is part of the abuse. It can be easy to get lost within it, trying to work out what’s going on, but again, that’s his intention; to cause confusion and make you lose focus of the facts.
Perhaps it would help to summarise the issues that you’ve mentioned in your posts;
-Your partner lies to you and uses his culture to try to excuse his behaviour.
-You feel he sets you up to get angry (which abusers definitely do).
-He is not affectionate, you do not have normal conversations, he raises his voice.
-He is demanding, controlling and monitoring of you.
-You fear for the safety and wellbeing of your children and fear that he may try to remove them from your care.
I imagine this is just the tip of iceberg. It does not sound like this relationship is bringing you or your children any benefits, but instead causing you all harm.
I really suggest the following for you;
-Seek legal advice. In particular consider obtaining a Prohibited Steps Order (PSO) which is a protective order you can take out if you feel that someone may try to remove your children.
You can read about this on the NCDV website here, and call them for more information.
-Read about Coercive Control here.
-Keep in contact with your health visitor and social worker. Be honest and inform them of any future incidents when you feel your children are at risk of harm from him.
-Keep a log/diary of incidents, particularly in relation to your children.
-Contact your local domestic abuse service for support if you have not done so recently.
I appreciate it’s not easy to do all of this, particularly when you’re a busy working mum, however perhaps consider these suggestions over time. Keep posting, there’s always support for you here.
29th April 2018 at 4:23 pm #57726
ThanksLisa. As child services are involved they say they can help me to separate safetly. He ism’t dangerous but things are worrying. I don’t think he talks to his family again I am not sure but I stoped speaking to his sister.
Lisa I am going to ask a question tell me if I am being silly. But if someone you are in a loving relationship stops picking you up to take you to your parents and pick the children up togeather there is definately something wrong right?
29th April 2018 at 8:12 pm #57731LisaMain Moderator
It’s hard for me to answer that definitively. However I’d suggest that if he won’t explain the reason why he’s done this, won’t talk to you reasonably or is withholding information; then these could all be behaviours he uses to assert power and control. I encourage you to trust your instinct.
When you’re in an abusive relationship it is normal to minimise what’s happening, as a coping mechanism. Also, the doubt you have in your own judgement is most likely due to his behaviour towards you.
I’m glad you’ve got support available to help you to separate safely when you are ready to. Children’s services will only be offering this help because they are taking your situation seriously and they believe you and your children are at some risk of harm.
30th April 2018 at 12:58 pm #57755AyannaParticipant
I hope he is not on your kid’s birth certificates.
He will never ever divorce.
If he hits her then he will one day start hitting you too and also the kids.
The best thing for you to do is to get rid of him and make a nice life for yourself and your kids.
Keep posting here for the support.
This situation must be extremely painful and stressful for you.
You do not deserve such treatment.
30th April 2018 at 1:52 pm #57759
He can go back to her. His name is on the birth certificate.however he has changed his name by deed poll. So he says. He claims they won’t issue a new passport because has not been on holiday for 5 years so they need to do investigations. He has never shown me his deed poll papers so I cannot be 100%. But social services can investigate this.
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