Hoarding – does anyone else know about this trait?

[Wiseafter]

Hi does anyone relate to control of objects and hoarding by your abuser as a trait? I have only just come to a realisation that my ex was a hoarder and his stuff dominated space throughout my home, including my children’s spaces where he would put things ‘temporarily’. If they, or I, tried to move them he would move them back, get really angry or upset or go silent for days – it was like he cared more for his things than he did for us! It was another way of isolating me because I was ashamed to have visitors. He was really attached to his things which ranged from (in his mind) valuable items to total c**p. If I moved anything or tried to clear up, or chuck junk (old empty boxes etc) away, he would go ballistic or get very upset so it was always really frightening and stressful to try and have a clear out and I had to clean around it all. Since this man moved into my home he has slowly filled up every available inch ‘temporarily’, almost obsessively buying anything and everything on sale, or keeping things because he thought they would be worth something or useful one day but then never touching them again. Our bedroom and other rooms were piled up with boxes and bags of clothes/shoes. If I dusted or hoovered I took photos so he knew I didn’t move anything – yes, really! (Detail removed by moderator) I forced him to empty (detail removed by moderator) whole rooms out to storage because we needed the space back but it was very traumatic and cost ME a fortune because he reasoned it was my house and we were clearing it out for me!! Even talking about clearing it seemed to exhaust him and make him upset, he would shuffle stuff around sometimes but then put everything back and that would be that. It was very hard to live with. How did I not think this was abnormal at the time? Now he is gone, I am still living with his hoarded belongings and stuff, piled up perilously high in places. I am finally seeing things clearly and the enormity of being left with the responsibility for sorting, packing and disposing of this volume of ‘stuff’ is hitting me. He has also filled up multiple storage units. After moving out he has not come to collect any of his things. I am seeking legal advice on what to do with it all and have given him opportunities and a schedule of dates to collect things but he didn’t show up. Does anyone else relate to this? Have advice or been through something similar? Do any of you live with a hoarding abuser?

 

[YellowBird]

Hey Wiseafter, I’ve had a very mild (by comparison) similar experience. He had specific areas of the house (cupboards, beside his bed, his wardrobe) that were “his”, that were so cluttered and packed solid with his stuff that he often couldn’t find what he was looking for, so found it easier to just buy a new one. His areas were filled with both useful stuff and junk. When I tried to move or tidy anything, he would get v upset.
It’s interesting you noticed he had his stuff in every room. Now that I think about it, it’s similar here. Like he was marking his territory?
Towards the end of his living here, he got quite paranoid about me going near his stuff, and started collecting it all in 1 room. Wouldn’t move too far away from that room in case I went in there.
And yes, now he’s gone, what to do with it all? He’s asked me to keep it till he gets a permanent place to stay, so I’ve just packed it all up into 1 room so I don’t have to look at it! Even the junk goes into boxes – not my problem to sort out, and I don’t want to be accused of deliberately throwing any of his things away.

[Beautifulday]

@wiseafter
Its like you described my H!!
We bought our home only a few years ago it needed work and I was so excited to renovate and make it a home, I like things clean and tidy Im in no way a clean obsessed person but I judt like to keep tidy, as it makes you feel better.
In the space of a few years he has managed to clutter his things in most rooms , we have quite a large home and its just us two yet he has filled (detail removed by moderator) rooms with his things and like you said random ruff he will never use, I can’t touch anything either otherwise he goes mad, I can’t even throw empty boxes or empty (detail removed by moderator) boxes!!! He collects them as they “may be useful ” because of this I’ve stopped asking people to the house as I’m embarrassed and now you’ve said yes I think its a tactic to isolate us. When i ask him to sort his things or get rid of things he also shuffles things around but never gets rid the stuff just mounts up it makes me feel chlostrophobic, anxious and gets me down. If I touch anything or move anything like you he goes off the deep end. He will literally go through the bin if he thinks I’ve thrown a (detail removed by moderator) “that he wanted ” or needed.

This isn’t normal

 

[Wiseafter]

Wow. So I’m not alone. I think having stuff, even if he isn’t physically with it anymore, is a way of keeping some kind of control and also, a way of making us responsible for it too, leaving it all is leaving all the risk with us, all the responsibility as usual. It’s weird the way they stash in every available drawer /cupboard/shelf/room, then forget what they have, or it is too much effort to ‘find’ things so they just buy more. There is not one of anything either, whole boxes full of the same gadgets which are now completely useless as they are so old! We never decorated or did any renovation either. So depressing. Like a prison of possessions, normal is so abnormal in these relationships. I’m coming to terms with the sheer scale of madness I lived with for so many years and it is so hard. Very bad day today. Lots of tears and totally shattered.

[Bettertimesahead]

I can so relate to this. Hes not here at mo and I’m hoping wont be allowed back but in mean time I have tidied the area he used to sit at in living room and it has made such a difference. I hadn’t realised the impact all his stuff was having . I’m not sure if I can stay here but if I do the best thing will be having no clutter!

[Wiseafter]

Yes, it was definitely a way of marking territory around ‘their’ spaces. Was he also a creature of habit? Mine was. And he couldn’t stand being asked questions or anyone putting demands on him. His response was always “I can do what I want, I don’t have to answer to you.” Wow. I can’t wait for the days of no clutter! He also used to stash snacks in secret places so that my kids couldn’t share the treats, even if I’d bought the groceries for the whole family. I used to feel he was kind of a parasite, and very dominating. My body is still in flight or fight, like he’s still capable of hurting me, even though he’s gone, because of the stuff he left behind.

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine hated being told by anyone what to do. Had his chair in living room, his chair in garden area, certain cup for coffee etc

[Beautifulday]

@bettertimesahead
Funny you should say about them hating being told by anyone what to do as this happened (detail removed by moderator) to me.

For months there has been a certain item of the home that needs putting up and (detail removed by moderator) as he is off work i calmly asked if he was going to put it up.
Whilst asking he was sat browsing his phone didnt look up. Then in a sing song type of voice he said (detail removed by moderator), he carried on looking at his phone whilst I stood . He then said that he doesnt ask me questions or demand even though I’ve been off months. (I’m furloughed nearly lost my job so this isn’t my fault ) .. he then started saying do I ask you why thr house isn’t deep cleaned? Or (detail removed by moderator) … all this because I asked a simple question a question you should be able to ask your husband. My friends all write lists of DIY for their partners, and nothing gets said they do the jobs. The more I see normal relationships I realise how toxic mine is. I feel so low again today sorry everyone for my moaning xx

 

[Wiseafter]

There is no ‘normal. There just isn’t with this kind of relationship. I too listen to my friends and their relationships and think why are you moaning, this guy does everything you ask, when you ask him and never gets angry, or cusses you out, or blames you. Wow. Beautifulday, I am so sorry you feel low and sorry also to hear about furlough/job. Hope you find something and just remember, it will get better. These times are hard and stressful enough without not being to ask a simple, direct question especially when you are trapped in the house and all the things you let go before start to drive you crazy. Trying to talk to someone who won’t look at you, give you eye contact, touch you, even stay in the same room sometimes is just demoralising. Waiting for the right moment to ask something and being told you are doing it deliberately to p**s them off when you knew they were in a good mood and thought you could trap them into agreeing something, or that you could only have the conversation when it suited them in some kind of formal ‘meeting’. It is a minefield. Everything he did in our home happened because he was a: either in the mood to do something in a flurry of activity and I had to heap SO MUCH praise on him or b: because he did it out of resentment, moaning and griping or being downright hostile for days. Really really hard work. Either way it was always bodged and messy and mismatched or crooked and I had to learn not to point out the mistakes or say anything. Keep quiet and carry on.

[Fudgecake]

Yup mine was a hoarder. Slowly took over my living space with his cr*p which no one could touch. Even down to (detail removed by moderator). It used to get on my nerves as I could never tidy properly. Meanwhile his house was immaculate and orderly…
All done to slowly drive you nuts.

 

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