- This topic has 15 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by
lilaclady.
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3rd January 2017 at 12:38 am #35375
lilaclady
ParticipantTrapped on holiday with him have (detail removed by Moderator) days left till we head home. Then (detail removed by Moderator) days until he returns to work and I can have a break from him. It’s been relentless the usual c**p. Being nasty when things don’t go his way, being angry at me if I call him out, p****d off when I am quiet and withdraw from him. Then suddenly nice again. Called a b*tch in front of my son. Then suddenly going through our joint account sending me texts questioning my spending. Hasn’t done that in a awhile. Then when I am upset says he was just trying to sort out our budget. And of course I am to blame for it all.
Cannot wait for this to end and I can get home and start making plans to leave.
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3rd January 2017 at 9:40 am #35387
Confused123
ParticipantHEy HUn
Sending u hug out, see this as a motivation to leave , suppose signs are there and confirmed for you, just try your best to remain calm and spend quality time with your child
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3rd January 2017 at 10:06 am #35390
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks so much Confused123. Things getting worse but I guess like you say his actions are confirming for me that I have to get out. It’s time. Xx
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3rd January 2017 at 11:49 am #35401
Recovery
ParticipantPlease get out. It will only get worse. My honeymoon was hell too. Swearing, insults , blaming and all. Set your boundaries, read books about it. Really helps! From books we learn how to communicate with them and stop the abuse to get to you. I left (detail removed by Moderator) before our (detail removed by Moderator) year anniversary and now on zero contact phase. He is begging, promising he will take therapy and all but still I’m to be blamed for leaving. All games. Be strong. Life is better without them! You will see. X
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3rd January 2017 at 5:36 pm #35424
lilaclady
ParticipantDefinitely getting out. Now can see that Even though there may be moments where he seems better they don’t last and it all happens again. I can’t count the number of holidays he has ruined. Planning to find a place to live as soon as I get home. Recovery tell me with the no contact how did you do that. I’ve read boooks and they all suggest this and I think it’s a good idea. Though I will still need to speak to him regarding our son. I can see him being the same as your partner saying he will sort himself out but I will be blamed for leaving. I did leave for a few weeks a while back as I couldn’t live with him anymore and I am still being punished for that!
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3rd January 2017 at 9:59 pm #35462
Confused123
ParticipantHi HUn
Sort your self a place out first, discussions can take place after, my ex said numerous time he wouldo change for kids, they dont its all short term of a month if u r lucky, i even thought i’d try one more holiday even though i knew we was over, yes he did spend time with us but also spent time drinking on stop and when we cam ebk nothing changed as he promnised. If u tell him now whe will make things more difficult for u and prtetend to of changed and play the mr lovely guy act
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4th January 2017 at 1:02 am #35485
lilaclady
ParticipantThe holiday just keeps getting worse. Being more and more verbally abusive towards me. Laid into m last night at dinner as I was standing up for myself and not taking it. Called me a (detail removed by Moderator). This morning just nasty and mean. Every time he says anything I have no idea what to answer as every answer is wrong. I’m so tired.
As soon as I get back home will be finding somewhere to rent. Confused 123 you’re so right I am going to find a place first get that sorted. He will definitely be making it difficult for me to leave. I can tell he senses I am going to as he keeps saying to me just LEAVE go!!!! I know you were just with me to get my money all a plan. So there is no way I am telling him anything. He won’t go mr nice guy he will go full on nasty I reckon.
I cannot wait to get out now. I almost left before Christmas but like you say gave it one more holiday as he was being much better. This holiday has taught me there is no way he is changing and no way it is ever going to stop and I can’t keep wasting my life trying. I’m utterly broken and exhausted so working on looking after myself and getting my son and I OUT. No doubt in my mind now.
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4th January 2017 at 2:15 am #35489
Nova
ParticipantLL sounds like your piecing it all together regarding his personality and abusive tactics.
If your thinking of moving out …maybe have a chat with WA who will no doubt answer any questions re NC arrangements and offer you support,
I’m not long out of a toxic relationship.. recovering minute by minute, day by day..
Freedom is a basic right for us all.Hugs
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4th January 2017 at 5:55 am #35492
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks Cuppa. I am not in the uk but will try and contact WA for advice x*x
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4th January 2017 at 11:15 am #35499
itmustbemesurely
Participantthat reads like my experience, it really does. Cant do a thing right and if you ignore them then they hate that too.
(detail removed by Moderator) I was accused of having an affair because I didn’t answer my phone on the way home from work – I worked late to make up some time. I was called a r****d in front of my daughter, told that everything I do is wrong, that I am stupid, he sits there drinking a bottle of wine…again…even though I have asked him to quit drinking, that I think its a problem for him – it is undoubtedly, but of course it isn’t is it it’s me because I am the one who is crazy/stupid/soft/clumsy/dumb….we were short on milk so I woke in the middle of the night anxious as I thought that he would be cross and angry this morning…toxic
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4th January 2017 at 12:22 pm #35502
Robin
ParticipantI totally understand where you’re coming from. Like you, I’ve had a terrible Christmas – shouted and called an idiot becuase i moved the (detail removed by Moderator) out of the lounge on Christmas Day. Shouted and sworn as (as was son) on Boxing day for putting togehter (detail removed by Moderator). And then on New Years day publicly shouted at (b***h, c**t, stupid) in a car park and in the car on the way home (he was also going too fast and wouldn’t slow down) becuase i left the car and left him holding (detail removed by Moderator) – apparently I made him look like an idiot.
Our son has said to me why don’t we go and live somewhere else and his dad has told him that he’s had enough of me and that he can’t cope with me! I wasn’t in the room at the time but my son told me that he’s said to his dad why don’t we get unmarried?’. Breaks my heart.
I’ve been minimising but having just pulled together all the horriblness over the holiday I find myself thinking why am I putting up with this?? Your post helps to show that this is not a normal, loving husbands behaviour. I may have to go into debt to do it but I know that I need to take action.
Good luck to you Liliclady – stay strong xx
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5th January 2017 at 1:15 am #35562
lilaclady
ParticipantIt must be me surely – I have been told I have been having an affair countless times! Told I am always on my phone so I must be. Or that he never knows where I am which is complete rubbish!
Robin – I hope you manage to get out soon too! The first time I wanted to leave I totally overwhelmed myself trying to sort EVERYTHING out and make a decision NOW instead this time I just know it is happening…. I am slowing just working towards it and know in my heart none of what he does is right or fair. Everyone said I will get to a point where I have had it and I know I am at that point know. Just trust yourself trust how you feel. Like you say it’s not normal behaviour at all!
I am now home and looking for a place. I haven’t told him anything. I can barely speak to him I am totally withdrawn which he is hating. He keeps switching at being nice then little comments at me then being p****d of at me for not engaging properly with him. But I feel better at home not trapped in the car on trips or trapped in a holiday place. No idea when I’ll be leaving but hoping its soon!
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5th January 2017 at 8:54 am #35570
lilaclady
ParticipantAnd now we are in the nice phase.. After him being grumpy and being out all day. (Detail removed by moderator). Then tonight he’s all love you before he goes to bed, don’t I get a kiss? Usually this would confuse me but having been through this cycle so many times it has NOT this time. I am determined to go.
Haven’t said a word about leaving. Still aren’t many rentals up yet after the christmas break so am biding my time. We have a trip booked (removed by moderator) just us…. don’t know what to do. It’s just (removed by moderator) and not with my son so he would be away from yet more holiday hell. Just don’t know what to do. If I still haven’t found a place and actioned my plan not sure if I just keep playing along till then. If I do find a place before trip then I am off…. My sister says I need to tell him I am not going away with him that weekend after his behaviour on holiday. Not sure if this is a good idea or not.
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5th January 2017 at 9:10 am #35571
EeyoreNoMore
ParticipantI’d say don’t let him get a whiff that you’re thinking of leaving – that’s when they crank it up a level.
Just try and act as normal as possible and make an exit plan. WA can normally help with this.
Glad you will be getting your life back 💖
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5th January 2017 at 2:58 pm #35606
itmustbemesurely
ParticipantI agree Mum’s the word, don’t let him get a whiff of it! Wishing you all the luck in the world, stay strong lovely lady x
I am in limbo myself, last night it was because he was ill that he was so horrid to me, that he thinks I am being unfaithful, that I am so unsupportive….it wasn;t him he was his suspected bipolar and that all he wants is my love…for that read sex! Made me feel sick, violated even. I can’t move out yet, I have no where to go, his finances have screwed up my credit score at the moment so I am working on getting that better…..but lilaclady you go for it, don’t look back xxxx
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5th January 2017 at 8:04 pm #35633
lilaclady
ParticipantYes I shall just carry on and try and be normal. Not engaging in any of his horrible stuff. PRAYING some more rentals come up next week so I can get on. I am worried though. I have left before because I couldn’t take living with him my sole aim was to leave for a few weeks and hope we could sort things out. I knew I couldn’t tell him so instead I found a place packed up all our stuff, took our son and left while he was at work. I left him a note telling him why and that I wanted to work on things and please I just need some space etc. Anyway I was out of the home for (removed by moderator). He was LIVID. Rang me angry when he got home ranting and raving at me how DARE I. I moved back as we ended up talking things through weeks later and felt I needed to give things another go (I will never be doing that again this time I am done!). Anyway the point of me typing this is that he has NEVER LET ME FORGET “what I did” how I sneaked out with our son, took him away from him. I had said you can see him whenever you like I am not taking him away from you I just need space from you. And now he’s always bringing it up “bet you’re planning to leave” or ” why don’t you live but you aren’t taking our son with you” or saying if I leave we will have shared custody so he doesn’t give a stuff where I go and won’t help out as our son will be with me half the time. He says my actions left a scar, what I did was unforgivable.
I know my rights I know that the courts here always say a child who is very young should live with their mother until they are a bit older as it unsettles them. And dad can see them on weekends any time that suits but they live with their mum. That’s what I want as I don’t want him shoved between two homes when he is so small I want him to have security. And then by all means shared custody when he is older. But I know my husband has it in his head its shared custody end of. PLUS I know if I leave again like I did he will hold that against me. Say I am taking our son away from him being sneaky etc… Also if we do end up in court he will hold that against me won’t he? Also I have always been the one to do everything with our son. Now he does a little bit but only on his terms. I am the one who gets him up, gets him dressed etc. I’m the one that will be up with him in the night if he wakes needing anything or is sick. He has not once put him to bed or looked after him for a whole day. so it makes more sense for him to be with me, the main carer. Though I know he will hold me going to work against me!
So I have no idea how to do this. I have a lawyer which I cant afford. I do have some savings but not a huge amount. So I do need support financially my salary is ok but it won’t stretch to all our living costs AND childcare.
So I am just working out how I leave. Going to see if there is a way of speaking to WA as I am not in the UK.
Itmustbemesurely – Stay strong too!! Being in limbo is so horrible isn’t it. I just want away from him and now but it’s so hard when we don’t have bags of money or anywhere to go. Do you have a friend you could stay with? Always here to chat.
Thanks Eeyorenomore…. honestly this forum is really keeping me going! Thank you ALL.
Anyone out there who’s done it , left their partner, with good advice let me know. I need all the help I can get!!!
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